A poem to my ex needs improving?

Question

Her lovely blue eyes can melt the coldest of hearts

Her smile is contagious bringing joy and lights up the dark

She brightins my day she lightings my night

and id fight to keep her by myside all my life.

Witty and gleeful, she goes about her day

However no matter what i do im allways kept at bay.

I loved this girl i made my mistake by neglacting her needs,

She gone and now my heart bleeds.

Shes moved on now left me all alone

Shes gone and found another man this i should of known

Loves a funny thing it hurts right to the bone

If i was more aware i could of seen the danger zone.

Now im on the outside and its as cold as ever

She`ll never be my bride but ill never say never

Her soul is but pure bliss and gold

for all thosse to who hold her to behold.

I may not be handsome or the smartest

but the one thing i know ill be gladest

To have you here agin standing beside me

And so i send you this my final plee

Look in my eyes ill make you see

That things are not what they appear to be

We`re traped in a world of make belive

and id only wish you agree

Come on take a chance

stop making a stance

i know this is romance

so please let it advance

You can pick and chosse as you please

but im allways here on my kness

asking you sincerely

let me be yours dearly

Its a funny thing when your on top of the word

everything is going along nicely intill you get hurled

Down you go into the depths of h**l

Where you relise you should of heard thosse alam bells

Its not finshed yet i feel like i can add a million more verses but its quality of quaintly and i want this to be perfect. any help and feed back would be nice guys.

Answer 1

It's kind of cliche and whinny. Try shortening it a bit to make it more simple.

Answer 2

no keep i simple..good job its soooooooo romantic

Answer 3

I don't feel it needs improving.

The way you have it is just fine, because it's your first expression of your thoughts.

Answer 4

awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww tht has to be the sweeeetest thing i ever read :] gluck 2 u both

much luv

blair

Answer 5

It's a really great poem. Are you sure that she is the one for you?Have you ever heard the song "Separated by Usher?"

Answer 6

The sentiment is all there in black and white for the world to see.

You can only hope that she will read this and return.

If she has made up her mind,

You will have at least tried

Nothing ventured - Nothing gained.

Answer 7

Instead of the repetitive "She`ll never be my bride but ill never say never", how about :"She won't be my bride but ill never say never"

hope that helps :)

Answer 8

your sentences are rants

you need to look deep down in your pants

for the strength to use more harsh words

cuz your poem sounds like it was written by nerds

Answer 9

i really like it... its good