A question for SAHMs?

Question

I'm 27 and mom to a 13 month old girl. My husband and I separated, reconciled almost a year ago, but are rocky again. He says my only identity is "mommy" and that because I can't trust anyone enough to babysit for us, we never do anything ourselves. I don't really trust anyone to watch her, and I feel really guilty leaving her with someone else to go out. My marriage really needs some "just us" time, but I can't bring myself to leave her with someone else while I go out! Has anyone else ever felt like this? How do you get over it?

Answer 1

You don't necessarily need to regularly leave your children with others to have a good marriage.

Just wait until the baby has gone to bed.  Put on a new skimpy extremely s**y lingerie, or maybe a costume, then have some crazy passionate husband/wife time.

Hey, it may not solve marriage problems, but it will keep him quiet for atleast a week.  Do it enough, and you probably won't have any problems.

Answer 2

"Alone time" isn't a cure-all.  i think your husband's complaint is sort of valid, BUT your marriage should be able to function with family time alone. the fact that it isn't sounds like you guys just aren't happy with eachother?  i would go to counseling.

My husband and I go out alone once every 2-3 weeks. sometimes more often, usually less often.  but the amount of alone time we get doesn't affect our happiness. we're happy regardless. we hang out at night when our baby sleeps. we hang out when our baby is awake. we're always engaged in conversation, talking politics, debating, sharing stories, etc.  You don't have to get a babysitter to do this.

only leave your baby with someone you feel comfortable with.  but don't give up on finding that person, she's out there!! i hated leaving my baby alone in the beginning (first five months), but now I'm comfortable with it.  I have people i trust her with -- both grandmas, and a babysitter i use. There are other people I would trust as well, although those are the only ones who have babysat her so far.

the first few times you leave your baby will always be anxious experience, but it has to be done at some point.  Have the person come a day beforehand so she can hang out & play with your baby while you're home.  this will help you and your baby be more comfortable with the idea.

And, regarding your identity as a mommy -- OF COURSE that's your identity!  HELLO!!! But, I'm sure it's not your only identity -- you're a wife and a friend and a daughter and probably a million other things.  it's just so happen being a mom is your priority, as it should be!! Sounds like you're a good mom, keep it up.

Answer 3

Now that she's 13 months and I'm sure "toddling" around you can relax...she's not so fragile.  You don't need to leave her overnight with anybody but what about 2 hours tops so you can see a movie/dinner, anything?  Or how about put her to bed have someone come over to be there with her and just go out for an hour or so...chances are your dd wouldn't even know your gone or that anybody came over because she will be sleeping.  Also make it clear to anybody that's babysitting that you will have your cell phone ON and UP the whole time and not to hesitate to call about anything.  

Answer 4

To be honest with you, you really need to listen to 'hard candy' on this one...I'm also a stay at home mom but I was a wife first before baby came around and our marriage means the world to me and if our marriage is happy then it makes for happy parents..we're lucky enough to have close wonderful parents that love our baby just as much as we do on both sides that take our baby once a night on every weekend so hubby and I can just have a night alone and it works wonders..I know it's not ideal for everyone's situation but if you can find a family member or do what hard candy says and stay up late a few times a month and just enjoy each other it will work wonders for you both...You need each other...everyone needs that spark!

Enjoy!

aww don't hate on me..we can't help it we have a wonderful family ....

Answer 5

I felt the exact same with my 6th month old, still to this day I will only leave himm with is godmother for a few hours, to "date" my husband...unless the fear is valid than you have to relax..your husband needs time with you and romance..alot..to make it work and keep things fiery...no close girlfriends?  start small with just a hour with a sitter...go for a walk to a park, ice cream, or to a movie just you and hubby..it will get easier, then you can stay away for an hour and a half...lol...i am with you hun.

Answer 6

I know where you are coming from.....I am also a SAHM to a 6 month old, and My husband & I seperated for 2 years, then realized we needed each other. Now we are parents and are very happy, we do have our disagreements as well. When it comes to someone else watching our baby I am very nervous, he has a brother & a sister that moved here and my family is still in Cali. Luckly his sister is a nanny, but she already has full time school and job watching twins. So asking her to watch Sarah is very hard, she is only avaliable some weekends. So there really isnt anyone to watch Sarah. So when me & hubby need some our time, we put Sarah to bed a bit early, curl up by the TV and go from there. Or we still have date night ,but sarah is with us. Hubby really hasn't complained at all about not having any alone time, which is good. But I can't help but think of his needs as well. LOL I'd be lucky to get some ME TIME I go from 5:30am to 10-11pm every night. But thats a mom for ya. Maybe ask the one person you trust the most , just for one night for a couple of hours and see how that goes. You will feel guilty, and worry about your baby the whole time, but start somewhere and work from there. Even if its one night a month. You never know you might actually have a great time and relax.

I wish I had some advice to give you , but I do know how you kinda feel. I hope it gets better for you .  

Answer 7

You have to think about your husband and your marriage, he needs a wife too, not just a mother to his child.

I am a working mom but hubby & I do date nights, not very often, but it's really good for our marriage, it helps us re-connect. Also, you could have a romantic date at home after your daughter goes to bed. Music, candles & wine.. we do that sometimes too!

Think about his needs, your needs, you're a mommy but you're also a wife & a woman, I'm sorry but your marriage is bound to fail if you don't pay attention to him. He could find another woman that does everything you don't.

God Bless

Answer 8

Think of it more, that you are doing whats best for your child.  If a happy family, includes a happy marriage, and happy parents.  You also need to accept that the dad - your husband - is important in her life.  Its almost belittles his importance in the family also, if you dont make this a priority.  I can see where you are coming from too though.  

If you attend a church, a lot are doing parents nights out.  Where their volunteers watch the kids.  Another idea would be to see if the chuch offers nursery services during the service and try that first.

Answer 9

yeah i am the same way with my 7 month old and my husband says the same thing about not being able to ever leave him to go out to dinner...



i don't have any solution for you on getting over it but i understand how you feel...

edit: but i will say that baby goes to bed about 7:30 so we have plenty of time to hang out after he goes to bed, there is no need to leave him with someone to hang out with my husband... you don't have to "go out" to have a good time.

Answer 10

LOL! I just asked a question similar to this last week.

I have a 9 month old and my hubby and I just went out on our first date last weekend. We let his mom watch him. We went to a movie and out to eat. We really enjoyed it. I basically had to talk my husband into going because he is like you and really does not want to leave our son with anyone. He was glad that we did it and we plan to hopefully have "us" time once a month. If you are not comfortable leaving your daughter with anyone try putting her to bed early and watch a movie or just talk. Communication is very important. I love my son but I do think that a husband and wife need time alone. Good luck!

Answer 11

hi

I am sorry you are having problems, alongside the ups & downs with parenting, it isn't easy.

I have 3 children aged between 3 and 8 years of age, and I have been married for 9 years.

My husband & I rarely leave them; I have never left my youngest, so that's 3 years. Once he got to about a year, we did havea  few short evenings out- but after I had put him to bed, so like we might go out at 8pm and come home by 11pm. We have probably been out 6 times over a 2 year period for 3 hours each time. Thats it! We get plenty of alone time in the house after the kids go to bed (we maybe sit together between 10pm and midnight 5 nights a week0 but we very much enjoy family life and have great fun all being together. I cannot imagine how i would feel if my husband did not share this....i don't mean to make you feel bad by saying that, i mean that I agree and i feel you are within your rights to not want to leave your child. It would be nice if your husband agreed with you. I feel it is often a case of the man wanting more alone time more than the woman.

Consider your s*x life together- do you have time for this if you want it? Despite all our business and lack of time together, (and several months with not much of it when the children were still babies) we have fun in the bedroom after dark!

Maybe he is still settling down into being a parent as it is relatively early days in the whole parenthood scope...

Some couples really benefit from together time, but our family thrives on 'togetherness' and we have great fun 'together' and i never really feel the need for more...we enjoy taking baths together when the kids are in bed, glass of wine, meal, good film and chatting , massage etc...you could try to make more effort together once your daughter has gone to sleep for now, then as she gets older you may feel more confortable leaving her, but i have never enjoyed leaving my children! It is different as they are older & go to school and then start asking to sleep at Grandma's- completely different. My older girls of 6&8  regularly ask to go & do things and i am fine with that!  

Answer 12

Yes i know how U feel. I haven't gone out with my husband for like 1 1/2 years and its screaming for help at times. What i suggest is have a family member take care of your child or have someone take care of her that has kids already that way you know that she will be okay. I leave my daughter with my sister in law and its very very very hard for me my baby some times says mommy don't leave mommy don't leave me. Then we end up going back home LOL. Its hard sometimes but there are times when you come to a point and say no more i cant anymore this is it and then you realize that you had fault because just that one day a week or those 2 times a month could have helped and you did nothing. Now me and my husband go out alone and my daughter loves staying with my sister in law because my little one is the only one for now and enjoys playing with my sister in laws daughter. Good luck and hang in there but trust me it will do good in your relationship!  

Mother of 2 year old and 32 weeks pregnant.