A question for married couples!?

Question

My boyfriend and I have been together for over four years. He's been talking to me about getting engaged next year and married a year after. (we will both have our careers by then ).

N-e how, the thought of getting married and then divorced scares me so much. I see how divorce rates are so high now-a-days, and how infidelity is so common.

This whole issue makes me uncomfortable and afraid of marriage.

So my question is: for those who are married, and have been for a long while now, what advice would you give to make a marriage work and last? any ups and downs of marriage?

Answer 1

First of all, do not go into a marriage with the idea that if something doesn't go just the way you expect it to, that there is always divorce.  Too many couples take their vows too lightly, their partners for granted and the next thing you know, your marriage has become one of the grim statistics.

You have been with this man for over four years.  Have there been any infidelity issues?  If you have dealt with them in the past 4 years, chances are you may have to deal with them again during your marriage.

My husband and I have been married 24 years.  Respect for one another as a person is key.  Don't be afraid of marriage.  If you are with the right person, it can be beautiful.

Answer 2

keep the lines of communication open. men and women think differently so if you have issues you not only have to hear what each other is saying but really listen and understand each other.

realise that you are two different people with different wants and different needs, different opinions, different perspectives.

it's all about compromise. 50/50. it doesn't work any other way.

Answer 3

Marriage is what you make of it. Communication is key. And don;t fall into temptation.

Answer 4

The institution of marriage requires work.  Too often couples concentrate on the Cinderella theme of having a fabulous wedding and riding off into the sunset.  Unfortunately, this means they forget about the "happily ever after" part.  If people put as much effort into the "ever after" as they did into the wedding planning, there might not be as many divorces out there.  But that aside . . .

My husband and I are coming up on our two year anniversary.  That's probably not as long as you were hoping for, but just in our two years we have had our own trials, none of which had anything to do with infidelity.  There's been unemployment and job changes, as well as a cancer scare.  It's been hard, but we've stuck together and depended upon each other for support.  Kids aren't even in the picture yet.  My point is, marriages take work to last regardless of whether infidelity is present.  Couples that aren't ready to make that sort of commitment shouldn't take the plunge in the first place.  

So if you can handle that and are ready to face and deal with other unknowns, put your worries about infidelity aside and let things go forward as they are.  However, if you're not ready to enter into a marriage, which it sounds you might not be, then don't.  There's no rule out there saying you have to marry just because you've dated someone for a long time.  Before making a decision, some pre-marital counseling might be helpful to your thought process.

Answer 5

From a purely logical standpoint, marriage increases the likelihood of divorce in that divorce is only possible if there is a marriage.

Fundamentally, marriage is sexual contract that is publically recorded.  Both of you are contracting to provide exclusive sexual contact for the other indefinitely.

To make a marriage work, you both must agree to work together to find a strategy that will allow both of you to maintain sexual desire for one another regularly.  The bookstores have many books on this subject.

If you call a lawyer and ask them when a marriage ends, they will tell you that it ends when one or both decide to end the sexual relationship.

A divorce decree is a public document that records the end of the exclusive sexual contract.

Marriage is monogomous long term care for the libido.

Answer 6

A man responds to Respect and a woman responds to Communication these are the two keys to a successful marriage of course there will be ups and downs but with these two keys, prayer and love, you will be just fine.

Answer 7

Don't go into it with blinders on.  If there are things about him that bug you, marriage will not make them go away.  Sometimes things that just annoyed us,  turn into things we can't stand once married.  Same goes,  if there are things he doesn't like about you.

Answer 8

my advise i can give is after experience and that is:  I got married after in relationship of  5years got married, but the mistake i made and can totally agree with:  Never start to even think of building the family before 3years marriage.  I unfortunately made that mistake and today after been married for nearly 8years can see the meaning of it.  So if you are totally  convinced of the fact that you have met the person that makes you happy and you can't see any reason not to be able to make you're outlook and believe what you wanted come true and there is a bit of doubt then you should take more time to make totally sure you will make everything you want become reality.  So if you positive you won't regret just listen to what i said first, give enough time for the two of you to build  and spend that quality time where it's just the 2 of you, cause when you don't it will have an impact at a later stage and then there is no chance of turning the wheel back and can ever change to giving the two of you time to spend with each-other and to experience that important things that will only be positive and impact for the future when changes appeared

Answer 9

I've been married for almost 6 years now. The thing that works for us is COMMUNICATION and be HONEST with each other. Our marriage has its ups and downs as every marriage does. Its how you handle the down times is what makes or breaks the marriage. Do you live with your boy friend? Me and my husband lived together for a while before we got married. If you can live with him for 5 or more years without breaking up then you have a good chance of staying married. Good Luck.

Answer 10

My best advice to you: Read this book - "The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work: A Practical Guide from the Country's Foremost Relationship Expert" by John M. Gottman.  Fantastic book for couples thinking of getting married, or already married.  

Answer 11

I have been married 13 years to my husband...We both have never been married or divorced before. I can say there is no way to see the future and know what will work or last...If you love each other that should be your only concern. Instead, of wondering what could go wrong think of all the things that could go right. Yes, you will have moments in your marriage that are not that easy...But something worth having is worth working for...Talking and treating each other kindly will work best for you. Try to find out what upsets him as well as makes him happy...He should do the same with you...This will help you go forward and be able to work through the best and worst times...It will only make you stronger as a couple and help form a beautiful bond. If you know what the rules are upfront with each other...Then there is a clear understanding on what each person needs...Always keep that in the back of your mind...Take time to talk and move forward with everything. Be your own person/couple...The fact that you are worried lets me know you have heart and you want the best...Use this quality best and you will do just fine. Good luck!

Answer 12

First of all let me say that no marriage is perfect. You will fight and have your ups and downs. What I have found out about marriage is when you fight always talk it out don't let it just go unresolved. When you have the great moments in your relationship don't ever forget them. The biggest thing I have also found out was never take love for granted. Because when you do you stop trying. When you stop trying your marriage gets rocky. Don't not get married because you don't want to be a statistic. Marry him because you love him and you can see yourself waking up to him for the rest of your life. Good luck!

Answer 13

i'm married its normal to  be a little nervous, to make a marriage work you have to keep the communication lines open, keep others out your business, and remember to compromise a lot

Answer 14

It's all about egos being under control and being able to talk about anything just as soon as practical after something upsets you. Just know, if you're figuring on changing anything about him to make it work, don't bother. You can't. Not anymore than he can keep you from changing over time. If you can't do that, it won't be what you wanted it to be. And being married will NOT fix anything that's wrong now. The best you can do is talk now, talk later, be free to say what's on your mind, and let him be free to say what's on his. Make any reasonable accommodation to maintain the balance, but don't expect every accommodation to make both totally happy with it. It's taking a risk. But it's not a total c**p shoot because you get to say how much effort you'll put into it.