A question for mothers (or fathers) of large families?

Question

My name is Christine M., and my fiance (Cal Sr.) has 7 children. Their mother died 5 years ago of cancer, and I'm the first new addition to their small family. They're very close, and while the eldest (Mary, 17) likes me because I've convinced her father to let her have her hair died, get a cell phone, facebook, etc. and the next eldest (Cal Jr., 15) likes me cause know he can play football, I get the feeling the younger 5 don't like me as much. I have never had any children, and this is my first 'family'. I was an only child growing up, and I had one cousin, 12 years my senior.

I was wondering how to best get the children to like me. The youngest two barely remeber their mother, but the middle 3 loved her and remeber her, and I don't want them to think I'm dishonering her. I had hoped the older two would convince them that I'm okay, and it's worked a little on the third eldest, but the 10 year old twins remain staunchly against me, and they are influincing the younger ones against me

Answer 1

you need to be consitance.  What ever you do, do not give up!!! No matter how long it takes do not give up!!!!

Try to plan fun thing to do.  here is a great websight that has free or almost free things to do with kids.  

www.123child.com

Good luck

Angela

Answer 2

wow i think its great what ur doing.

i guess all u can do is act as if your there aunt and your not taking the mothers place.

it can be hard for them, but if the older ones got use to it, then the rest will.

just be really nice to them. it can be very hard not to have a mom.

since u dont have kids..treat them how u would if they were ur kids.

Answer 3

Try making a scrapbook filled with pictures of their mother.  It would be a beautiful gesture and a memento they could look thru whenever they miss her. Tell them that you respect their mother and you know you could never take her place in their hearts.  

You just want to get to know them better.  Listen to them.  They are probably scared of letting you in and feel that they are betraying their deceased mother.  Tell them its okay to miss their mother and that she is always with them in their hearts.  Then remind them that you care about them and you will always be there for them to talk about her or their feelings.

Follow their lead and take it slow.  They have been thru loss and are probably scared to love you and lose you too.  Good Luck to you:)

Answer 4

If you are going to marry Cal Sr. you shouldn't try to be a friend.  But a mom.  The middle children may be afraid that if they grow attached to you that you too will die of cancer or some other horrible disease.  It will take some time but they will eventually warm to you.  As long as you and Cal show a united front in how you deal with the children everything will be fine.   There is a great old movie you should watch called Yours Mine and Ours starring Lucille Ball and Henry Fonda.  Don't bother with the Renee Russo version.  

I only have two sons but am the 3rd of 11 children.  My mom and dad have 40 grandchildren and one great grand child.  Big familes can be a blessing and they can also be a real challenge.  You sound like you are up to that challenge by becoming accepted by the older children.  I have the good feeling you will do very well.

Answer 5

my family is absolutely giant, i have 23 siblings; and anyone younger than me has a different dad, me parents got devorced when i was 1 1/2 and my mom got remarried when i was 3, i didnt like him until i was 8, i felt like he was trying to replace my dad, so what my older siblings did was tell me they thought he was really cool, and he bought me a few things, like clothes and stuff... theirs not much you can do, but see if the older ones can help, its kida weird normally its the older kids that take longer to come around to a step-parent, because they were with the other one longer...

Answer 6

First off let me just tell you....you have to behave like a mother not an aunt figure. They will run you over and come between you and your fiance if you continue to think like that. You may think that's the wrong thing to do, but it's not. I'm not saying behave like you are their mother, behave like a mother.

Incorporate their real mom into stuff. Ask the kids questions about her. The worst thing to do is not talk about her. Take some copies of some pics and scrapbook them with the kids (don't use originals, make copies) and talk about her. Ask them what their favorite things about her were and so on.

Some things that you have done with the eldest child may seem like they got you closer to her, but I'm gonna tell ya, bribery does not work with step children for long. They will suck you dry. Try not to make it a habit always pleasing the kids. Try to make more informed decisions about the things you convince their father to let them do. Some things, just make the decision yourself. You are getting ready to take on some heavy shoes and you better prepare yourself to start thinking like a mom instead of a pal. You can be their friends at the same time, but you have to set boundaries with them already.

Just telling you from experience. I have 4 daughters of my own and 2 step daughters. I made the same mistakes at first. Giving them everything they watned just to make them like and accept me, then after about a year of that, I realized how much I was being used and how bad I felt. Really put a wedge between us for a while. Once I finally had a talk with them and told them that I will never again treat them any differently than I would my own children and that I in no way was trying to take the place of their mother, but had to treat them like my children, then things started to change and there was a year lost to me being their friend and not their parent.

Answer 7

It's normal for them to resent you. Don't try bribing them or playing the older kids to get anyone to like you. Try getting to know them. If you can share in their interests and accept them, they will slowly come to accept you.

  I've seen many men come into my mom's life when I was that age, and each one tried to bribe me...except one. He was fair, honest about what he thought, and although we fought, I respected him for not trying to fool me like the other ones.

Answer 8

to much to read

Answer 9

try to hang out with different siblings a different times. They are not as mature as the oldest kids and its harder for them toaccept you.

Answer 10

I have a large family, but not in the same situation as you are.  Maybe you could talk to them and ask them what they did with their mom for fun, and ask them if it would be okay for you to do this with them.  I believe they will come around, it may take some time though.  You sound like you really care about them, so just be patient with them.