A question for the adoptees with bitter feelings...? Several ?'s, actually.?

Question

What is your relationship like with your adoptive parents? Do they know of your feelings of resentment towards adoption?

Do you wish you had not been adopted, or do you just wish that adoption was not necessary?

Would you have rather been raised in a home where you were not wanted and/or loved, or with parents that were unable to provide for you?

Why do you feel as if you have missed out on grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, etc? Do you not consider your adoptive family, your family? Does it take blood to make you love and care for someone? In that case, do you have no friends? I can tell you that there are several people I am blood kin to, that I do not care for-blood does not make the relationship.

How did you miss out on a culture? A culture is the values, beliefs, etc. that are passed down to you in your environment. Did you not have ANY of that? I also know that many adoptive parents, when adopting children from another race and/or country make great

Answer 1

No-one but those that have been adopted can fully understand - but I'll give this a try.

1. Relationship with adoptive parents?

My a-dad died when I was under 1.

My a-mum was wonderful. She died when I was 18 from cancer. We were very close.

2. Do they know of the resentment?

No - they have both passed away - but my a-mum knew that I was not happy with not knowing about my adoption, my story, my bio family. But she was told (in the 60's) that we didn't need to know about such things. This was wrong.

3. Do I wish I had not been adopted?

Some days - yes.

My adoption didn't need to happen. My mother was sent to another state (in Australia) and told not to come back with 'that baby'! (me) My father had offered marriage - but my grandmother was a force to be reckoned with.

For me - I always felt that I didn't fit. Yes - I was loved - but I didn't grow up around those that looked or acted like me.

Again - if you have always lived around those that are bio linked to you - you would not know what this loss can feel like.

My adoption was not necessary.

My parents married 6 months after my birth - and had 3 more kids. Children that I was not allowed to know for 36 yrs. Family that I was not allowed to grow up with.

4. Would you have rather been raised in a home where you were not wanted and/or loved?

Adoptees in such instances are more often adopted from foster care - not from infant adoption.

I know many many adoptees that went to abusive adoptive homes.

Adoption guarantees nothing.

It's all luck of the draw for either bio or adoptive families.

5. Feelings of missing out of family, culture etc?

Because I looked nothing like my adoptive family. We all have traits within us that belong to our mothers and fathers. We say to children - "oh, you have your mothers nose" etc etc etc

Again - when you have not lived away from bio family - you would not know how this feels. It is just a deep loss - and you'll have to take my word for it. It has to do with knowing where you 'fit' in. Self image. Self worth. If you don't know who you look like and who you take after - you have no measuring stick as to how you 'should' look.

Therefore - I grew up feeling very out of place.

As for culture - this relates more to those that are adopted from one country and taken to another. I have read many blogs from those adoptees in this situation - and as adults - they feel deep losses of language and culture that they can never fully now grasp due to growing up away from it. Example - a Korean adoptee has tried very hard to learn her native tongue as an adult - but can not truly grasp many of the sounds - as she now has a strong American accent - and she just can not pronounce certain sounds.

6. Do you consider your adoptive family as family?

Of course.

But I also have a bio family.

I can love many - I don't need to be more loyal to one or the other. Adoptees are always told to take sides.

Just as I now have 3 children - I don't have to love one more than the other two.

Questions of loyalty only hurt adoptees.

We didn't ask for this situation. Adults made those decisions for us. We should be allowed to love and know whomever we please. Just as non-adopted folks are allowed to.

7. The blood question.

As above - I love many.

Genetics is important - as I stated above. After meeting some members of my bio fam - it's incredible how alike we are - and we've lived our whole lives apart.

There is as much nature as there is nurture in me.

8. Friends?

Of course - I have many friends. In fact - many of my adoptee friends are some of the kindest & loving people I know.

9. Culture etc again?

See above.

10. Have you met your bio family?

Some yes - others I hope to in the future.

No one can turn back the clock - but I find it very sad that I didn't get to grow up with my sibs. Again - my adoption didn't need to happen - so it makes me sad. You can't make up on all those lost years.

I have two adoptive sibs - both bio kids of my adoptive families. They fully support my search - and I am very close to them to this day.

They know that for me - I needed to find out my truth, and they allow me to feel whatever it is that I wish to feel - as I try to find my place in this world.

It's not a question of whether or not I would or would not fit in with either family.

They are both my families.

They are both important parts of me.

I need both parts (or at least the complete information of both) to complete me.

All adoptees should be allowed to feel whatever it is that they wish to feel about a situation that only they know of.

I hope that you will support adoptees in that quest.

Edited to add: as for adoptions today - I only support those that really need to happen. I believe in having no secrets and lies - and I support open records for all adoptees. Too many women are pressured into giving up their babies just because they are in a bind. In Australia - no pre-birth plans are made - and women are encourage to parent after giving birth. Only after that - if they really can't parent - adoptive parents are found. My belief - what is best for the child (as long as there is no danger) is to grow with his/her mother and bio family.

Answer 2

i was adopted at four days old.i never got along with my mom,but i loved  my father very much,both are dead now.i met some of my brothers and sisters but i didn,t feel any connection to them,

Answer 3

1. I had wonderful aparents - the best -  probably hands-down better than any AP here or anywhere that I've seen.  I had a wonderful relationship with them, loved them extremely, but sadly they were taken from my by cancer and heart disease.  Who do you suppose was the one who moved home to care for her dying mother when the cancer ate her body?  It wasn't the bio-relatives, that's for sure.  I did it, and I will never, ever regret it.  I'd do it again, painful as it was watching her slowly die, but if it meant being able to take care of her when she needed me most, I would do it in a heartbeat.

Yes, most of the time I do wish I had NOT been adopted.  Being adopted is hard...imagine if you were stranded in a foreign land, didn't speak the language, and didn't have a map or a compass.  Eventually you'd find your way, become accustomed to the people and learn the language, but you'd never really be a citizen of that land.  You'd never look, sound, or act the same as these people.  Adoption is like that...you are put where you weren't born to be and you have to adapt, and you probably will, but you'll never truly fit in.

I don't know why you assume I'd have been raised in a home where I wasn't wanted or loved if I hadn't been adopted.  That's one of the big misconceptions of adoption.  I know my bio-family and they loved me very much, and I would have been very well cared for and provided for.  My mother was a victim of the BSE (Baby Scoop Era) and really had no choice, being a 19 year old single girl.  But she and my father were married 2 months after giving me up...does that sound like a horrible birth family to you?  No, they were just two kids who had a baby too soon.  I NEVER would have been abused, neglected, unloved, aborted, etc.

I did miss out on an entire family...my FULL brother, half sister, all my aunts and cousins and grandmother, the grandparents who passed away before I reunited.  They are my FAMILY.  These are the people who have the same eyes, the same sarcastic sense of humor as I do; we share the same passion for history and science and we all prefer cats to dogs.  I am more like the people I never met than I am ANY of the people I grew up with...and to finally have that is something that is more fulfilling, gives me more peace and closure, than anything else in this world.  If you've never gone without it, you can't possibly understand.

I grew up with German-Norwegians.  I missed out on my Scotish-French heritage which is my blood.  The family customs and traditions that are passed down from generations (the people who's genes made the genes that made MY genes), I missed out on.  These are MY PEOPLE.  

Sure, you can graft a pear branch onto an apple tree and it will continue to grow and produce pears, but it will still always be a pear branch on an apple tree...you can't turn it into something else.

Answer 4

I like this question, I was going to ask something like "please tell me more about feelings towards adoptive parents" but this question I will just read the answers.  

I do want to say about culture however, that is very important.  Culture is "where your people are from" and it is imperative that you have a good sense.  I believe this can be done in adoption if the adoptive family makes an effort to learn the other culture, make friends with people of that culture, join associations etc. etc.

Here in Canada, there was soemthing called the 60's scoop.  This is where over 12000 Aboriginal children were taken from there parents and raised in white homes.  This decimated a culture (okay this was after the residential school system which REALLY decimated a culture) and children who grew up in these homes, and yes they love there adoptive families, feel lost without culture.  They had to relearn culture and traditions as adults.

IN todays' society if someone adopts an Aboriginal child, it is EXPECTED the adopted parents give him/her exposure and teachings of their birth culture.

While of course the Aboriginal have a special status, learning of where your people come from and what that means is important to a child's identity.

Answer 5

Im adopted and i've had problems feeling close to me adoptive family. ive never felt like i've fit in. i look almost like their biological child, but im the only one im my family who is adopted. i feel rejected by me birth mom because she was 19 and could have kept me. my entire family is italian and im romanian. we are just different. my dad has 2 other sons and i dont look at them as brothers. they are more like older adult-like friends. romanians and italians are totally different. i feel like im missing out on my true heritage. sure, my family is the same skin color, but blood is thicker than water.

Answer 6

I'm not one of the bitter adoptees you addressed thsi question to but if you don't mind, i'd like to answer nonetheless....

1)  no resentment whatsoever towards adoption; it was the perceived right to reunion that I resent; it was the intrusion on my life when they wouldn't take NO for answer that i resent.

2)  as much as i would love to see 0% unemployment, it won't happen . . .just like the need for adoption will never stop.  I am glad i was adopted but it is not what defines my life.

3)  i was loved greatly by all members of my family.  I'm sure my bparents would've loved me so i don't think it's a question of not being loved but i do agree that it would've been very difficult for either parent to adequately provide.

4)  Nope, didn't miss out on a thing -- i had it with my family.  My adoptive family is my real family and my only family.  Blood does not run thicker than water and my family was far more supportive of my decisions that my bio is.

5)  miss out on culture?  I'm american and i've had more cheeseburgers, apple pie, ice cream and baseball games than you can imagine.  I didn't miss out on a thing of my culture.  My parents did pass down their values and beliefs so i got that.  I'm thankful that it comes from environment and not genes because i don't share much of the same values and beliefs as my bio.

I hope this helps.

Answer 7

Well, you've asked a lot of important questions and I'll do my best to tackle this one.

I have a good relationship with my adoptive parents.  They do know that being adopted has caused me pain and difficulties, but not the full extent.  Contrary to popular opinion around here regarding adoptees, I care very much about their feelings and don't want to hurt their feelings or worry them by telling them everything I think and feel.  I know that it would distress them to know how unhappy (and bitter) being adopted makes me.

As far as wishing I wasn't adopted, that is true.  And it is also true that I wish adoption wasn't necessary, but I acknowledge that sometimes it is.  I know that in my case, it was not totally necessary and that my birth mother was coerced/pressured/threatened into it by her parents.

If my birth mother had kept me, I wouldn't have been raised where I wasn't wanted or loved.  I know now, that she very much wanted to keep me.  She also could have provided for me, if she had been given a few years of assistance to finish college.  She is very bright and extremely successful, and I think she would have been a good mother.  Sadly, she never got the chance to raise a child.  She never got pregnant again...let that be a lesson to everyone who's considering placing their babies for adoption.  As a matter of fact, neither did my birth father ever have any other children.

As far as my adoptive family, I don't feel connected to my brothers, grandparents, cousins, etc. because I just don't.  I think that they just never quite accepted me.  

Oddly enough, the one (adoptive) relative that I felt the most connected to is my great aunt.  She was my adoptive father's aunt, and she died several years ago, but I was always very fond of her, perhaps because I really felt like she accepted me, and most importantly, understood me.  I'm getting teary just thinking about her...I can honestly say I loved her very much, the rest of the family I like but don't have really strong feelings for.  

So I guess the answer is no, I don't think it takes blood to make a relationship , but maybe it does for some people which is perhaps why I didn't feel all that accepted by most of the people in my family.

Culturally, probably had a pretty similar values and beliefs as I would have if my birth mother had kept me, which is nice because I don't feel I missed out much there.

Hope all that helps you to understand.  I am bitter, and even angry sometimes, but that's not  ALL I am.  I do have feelings of love towards my adoptive parents, and I do realize that I would have been placed for adoption even if they hadn't been the ones adopting me, so it's futile for me to resent them for my being adopted.  It really is the fact that I had to be separated from my birth mother that hurts.

ETA:  People don't normally talk openly about bitter feelings, it's not socially acceptable.  You can see how well it goes over with people on this forum.  This is even more true in person.  I don't normally talk about the stuff I talk about on here with people in 'real life', it just wouldn't be appropriate.  

So, just because the people you know who are adopted don't talk to you about it, doesn't mean they don't feel it.  Do you really think you know what everyone is thinking and feeling all the time?  Of course not.  People have the public face they put on for others, and they have a private life they keep to themselves.   That's just human nature.

Answer 8

I am adopted and i love my adopted parents. I have lived with them since i was a baby and would not want it to be any different. I dont think of me not being there son and vis versa. My birthmother did the right thing giving me up because she knew she couldnt take care of me. I have not missed out on anything in my life because they are not my blood parents. They have been straight forward with me about everything and i know if i really wanted to meet my birthmom i have the ability to do that and that my mom and dad will not hold me back. I also have 3 adopted brothers and a adopted sister which i love very much. I would not change a thing. I am 16 and saying that, That says something. My birthmother could of easily aborted me but she chose not to. Long story short i am very happy.

Answer 9

What is your relationship like with your adoptive parents? Do they know of your feelings of resentment towards adoption?

My amom died 16 years ago, our relationship until that point was a pretty normal one. She was Suzy Homemaker and I was the perfect daughter. My adad and I had years where we barely spoke. That has changed in the past two years and we are now very close. Geez we even work together. He is very aware of my issues with adoption, in general and with my own adoption. My adad is an ndad as well. He was reunited with his daughter 6 years ago so he understands some of where my adoption pain comes from ( I am an nmom as well as an adoptee). We don't always agree when it comes to adoption but he is very respectful of the fact that I am not as for it as he is.

I don't know what I wish to be quite honest. I wish that more people would support mothers who choose to parent. I wish people would adopt through foster care instead of putting out so much energy to finding a newborn. I wish that all adoptees had the right to their OBC and history. I wish adoption was a last resort. I wish people could ask for help and get it.

Would you have rather been raised in a home where you were not wanted and/or loved, or with parents that were unable to provide for you?

This doesn't apply to me at all so I can't even think how to answer. My natural parents both wanted to keep me, I was very loved. My nmom had my sister only 18 months after I was born. My sister is ok, in fact she is amazing in so many ways. I know that my nmom could have not only provided for me but loved me and raised me very well.

Why do you feel as if you have missed out on grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, etc? Do you not consider your adoptive family, your family? Does it take blood to make you love and care for someone? In that case, do you have no friends? I can tell you that there are several people I am blood kin to, that I do not care for-blood does not make the relationship.

I feel like I missed out on these things because I did. I didn't get to meet my grandfather, there are still many extended family member I haven't met. I haven't got the same bond I see my siblings with. h**l I don't even know all of my siblings. I love my afamily very much but I have another family who I care about as well. Does getting married and loving your inlaws mean you stop loving your own family? See how dumb that sounds? Blood means an awful lot to me but I am able to care for people not related to me. I can't even answer the rest of this part as I find it rude.

How did you miss out on a culture? A culture is the values, beliefs, etc. that are passed down to you in your environment. Did you not have ANY of that? I also know that many adoptive parents, when adopting children from another race and/or country make great

Uhh history lesson time? I was raised French Canadian and Austrian. I'm Spanish and Irish. Not very similar cultures actually. I missed out on a lot there but at least now some of my own preferences make sense.

Also, have you met your bio families, to even be sure that is something you would want to be a part of?

Reunited with my nmom 9 years ago this Valentine's Day, reuited with my ndad 4 years ago. I am very close with my mom and my sister. I lived with her for a few years following our reunion. My sister and I are as close as sisters can get. We talk on the phone daily, she is my best friend. We are so similar that my ADAD can't tell who is who on the phone! I can not imagine not having them in my life. I love them so much.

Answer 10

This is to Oldfashioned

You said and I Quote "Why would somebody feel bitter or resentful about people who were good in enough to take them in?

I could understand them resenting the birth parent not keeping them, but they should think themselves lucky that they had good and loving parents." UNQUOTE

Adoptees are not Flaming Dogs or Stray pets, we dont need to be taken in ..Omg I cant believe you wrote "good enough to take them in"

Seriously you need to walk away and have a good read of some Adoption Books, and look at it from the Three sides because EVEN adoptive parents have problems....

Babies are not there to be TAKEN In like a Stray dog, they are born and the mother that gave life to that baby makes a decision for that baby, that the baby has NO Choice in.

Everybody bangs on about ones right to CHOICE, choice to have a c Section, Choice to Not Breastfeed, Choice choice choice thats all I ever here on forums is people have the right to choice, the right to CHOOSE What they want to do, for themselves well WHAT ABOUT THE BABY that is adopted ? where is the choice for them ???

Answer 11

I was raised by people who were openly prejudiced against my culture/religion/ethnicity. So, yeah, I missed out on a culture. Several, in fact. And a whole lot more. It would have been illegal for total strangers to act towards me the way my adoptive parents were legally allowed to.

This is the part I don't think you get: that an adoptee has two equal and different identities, and they often don't have much in common. Which culture defines me? Which behaviors, the ones that came naturally or the learned ones? What do you do when you don't fit in the way you're "supposed" to?

Why do you assume that all adoptees are raised in homes where we were wanted and/or loved,  with parents who could provide for us?

What you're hearing from adult adoptees on this forum is that the idealistic theories everyone believes about adoption are just that: idealistic theories. Sometimes they correspond to reality. Often, they don't.

These antiquated and incorrect theories need to be examined. Not promoted further. THAT'S what promotes the bitterness you hear.

Answer 12

These are some things I wondered myself when I first came here. After MONTHS of reading and e-mailing with others, I hand those Q's answered....

I won't speak of what an adoptees acutally feels, for I don't know, but I can share what I have been told and try to do it in a respectful way.

(Hey I just had a brain f**t. Even AP can have a biterness toward the adoption process, and still love their chidren although they didn't birth them....anyway.....)

Like I stated in a previous post.....

well it's like 10 down from here, i'll be back with a link.

I think , most of the anger is toward the adoption process and I think too that there is a lynch mob mentality which can make people feel attacked, but it comes from all sides.

Am I babbling? I took a double of NyQuil.

Answer 13

Why would somebody feel bitter or resentful about people who were good in enough to take them in?

I could understand them resenting the birth parent not keeping them, but they should think themselves lucky that they had good and loving parents.

Answer 14

Why does it matter what my relationship with my adoptive parents is?  Are you assuming because I fight for adoptee rights, family preservation, natural parent rights and even adoptive parent rights that I must have had a bad relationship with them ?  

Not that it matters.  My adoptive mother pushed me into this.  What I discovered upset me greatly.  I learned that my natural mother was tied to her bed so she couldn't touch me.  I learned that my natural mother was brow beaten by the agency itself.  I discovered that she was fed three sparse meals a day.  Folks like you want me to be happy about it?  UHM no I don't think so.  I find out that not only did my grand parents paid big bucks for her to stay at that maternity home, but that my own adoptive parents paid big bucks for me.  I find out that my father wanted to raise me but he was denied his rights to do so.  We are still being denied contact with each other.  I am supposed to be grateful.  UHM NO.  How do you know that I was not wanted or loved?  Until I know that answer, no one can even presume that answer for me.  

Yes I do consider my adoptive family my family but so is my natural family.  They are the ones that created me and my adoptive mother taught me how to live it. Without one or the other, I would not be who I am today. Do not presume for me.  

I am an adult and can think very clearly about me and my families.

Answer 15

We don't get along.

yes, she knows i resent my adoption. but that is based on my treatment not on the fact i was adopted. more about who they allowed to adopt me.

Yes i wish i had not been adopted but if i had to do it all over again i think i would wish more for a better parent or even 2 parents. money has nothing to do with love. things change i know when i first had my son i was poor. now i am a middle class proffessional. i didn't give my son up we did it together. there was no way for me to give my son up for adoption. i was too afraid he could end up in the same situation i was in and the thought of that would have killed me. literaly.

Yes i have missed out on family. my amom kept me from my family becasue they don't like black people. she adopted me single so she was it. i have two sisters they don't talk to me (one does but said she sees me more as a family friend than her sister) my grandparents disowned my mother because she adopted me, and the rest of the famiyl just kinda follows suite.

no, it doesn't take blood to care for someone but sometimes when you gave birth to a child it's different from taking someone elses. i seriously don't think that my mother would have told me that my son had too much black in him had she slept with a black man to produce me. just doesn't seem likely. Yes i have friends and have had to use them as a substitute for my family because i have been through two and still don't have one.

i am korean and something(don't know what i'm mixed with but my famiy says black so that's what i go with) i know nothing about korea, their wedding ceremonies, history, employment (other than rice which is nothing but another sterio type). shoot i know more about china than i know about korea and no they aren't the same.I was raised by a white family that feels like they are the better race. why would they try to teach me to be anythign but white. it's kinda funny though cause once i got older i rebeled and now noone can tell i was raised by a white family unless i tell them.

Answer 16

I have a feeling I'm going to regret answering this question.  Your "additional details" hint that you have already made up your  mind about about this.  But maybe I'm misreading you, so I'm willing to put myself out there, once again.

"What is your relationship like with your adoptive parents? Do they know of your feelings of resentment towards adoption?"

I have a fairly good relationship with my adoptive parents.  I live about 14 hours from them.  I talk to them every few weeks on the phone, and visit about twice a year.  I love them.  They love me.

They have no idea how I feel about adoption.  Adoption was not a topic of conversation growing up.  I felt as though they felt threatened by the topic.  Discussing it with them does not feel safe.  (Before anyone judges me on this, I have long occupied the role of peace-maker in my family.  It is the role that was thrust on me very early.  I was the only one everyone would talk to.  I am, in some sense, the parent in my family.)

"Do you wish you had not been adopted, or do you just wish that adoption was not necessary?"

I don't know how to answer this question, to be honest.  I wish adoption was not necessary.  I think many adoptions are not necessary, in fact.  Some adoptions are necessary.  As for my adoption, I am very much torn.  I love my adoptive parents, and I am glad to have them in my life.  I don't feel comfortable wishing them out of my life.  On the other hand, as I've said repeatedly on this site and elsewhere, part of me wishes I had not been adopted.  I have suffered as a result of being adopted.  And I do not wish I had had to carry that pain with me.

"Would you have rather been raised in a home where you were not wanted and/or loved, or with parents that were unable to provide for you?"

Would I rather have done this than what?  What is the other option here?  Is the assumption that adoptive parents provide and love, but first parents don't?  Some first parents cannot provide for their children and do not love them.  Some adoptive parents cannot provide for their children and do not love them.  Many first parents can provide for and love their children.  As can many adoptive parents.  

I would rather not have had this loss and pain in my life.  That is what I would rather have.

"Why do you feel as if you have missed out on grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, etc? Do you not consider your adoptive family, your family?"

I do.  But I have other family that I don't know.  And, frankly, I do not fit in with my extended family.  They do not understand me.  They seem to have no interest in me or my life.  They are pleasant enough people, but they have not been much of a family.  My immediate adoptive family is very much my family.  My extended adoptive family are barely more than acquaintances.  

"Does it take blood to make you love and care for someone?"

No, of course not.  Indeed, in some sense, I found my family in college.  This family did not grow up with me.  This family are not blood relations to me.  This family is a group of friends who understand me, support me, and accept me unconditionally for who I am.  This family are those people that helped me through the hardest moments of my life.  I love these people dearly and miss them more than any others in the world.

As I explained above, my extended adoptive family has not been much of a family to me.  If they aren't interested in claiming me, why should I worry about claiming them?

"How did you miss out on a culture?"

I don't think I've ever made this complaint.  But let's follow it through a little bit.  There is a culture that I am related to by blood.  There is a heritage I have missed out on.  I was shoe-horned into a culture that doesn't fit me.  Beliefs that don't fit me.  Values that don't fit me.  I constantly feel like I'm in someone else's skin.  

"Also, have you met your bio families, to even be sure that is something you would want to be a part of?"

This is irrelevant.  There is loss in adoption.  A child doesn't understand what might be good reasons for his or her adoption.  The loss is still there.  Some adoptees feel it.  Some adoptees don't.  But the loss is still there.  My whole point, in all of this, is that society needs to recognize that complexity in adoption.  Adoption is about, first and foremost, loss.  

But to answer your question, yes, I've met my first mom.  She's a wonderful person.  She and I have a lot in common, and I feel like she's someone I can be myself with.  That sort of person has been rare in my life.  Again, I am torn about whether I would have wanted her to keep me.  Part of me says yes.  But I also realize that has implications for other important relationships in my life, namely my adoptive parents.  

I hope this helps you make sense of it.  I do hope that, before the adoptee-haters start giving me thumbs-down that they think about what it takes to be totally exposed like this in public.  In order to justify my position that adoption is complicated, I have to answer some of the most personal questions on this site.  But those who maintain the mythical simplicity that adoption is all sunshine and rainbows are allowed to do so, and attack me, without being called to account like this.  Still, I'm willing to do this on the off-chance that it might help someone else who feels as lost and alone as I have long felt.

Answer 17

"What is your relationship like with your adoptive parents?"

Civil/friendly--live several states away.

"Do they know of your feelings of resentment towards adoption?"

Oh, yes. It’s taken 20 years, but I think they know adoption is wrong, too.

"Do you wish you had not been adopted, or do you just wish that adoption was not necessary?"

I wish I had not been adopted.  My adoption was not necessary.  My mother was a 22 y.o. rich girl.

"Would you have rather been raised in a home where you were not wanted and/or loved, or with parents that were unable to provide for you?"

I was raised in a home where I was not wanted or loved, but by aparents were good CUSTODIAL parents, albeit without the frills.  My mother would have loved, adored, and cared for me, as she does now (we have been reunited for 20 yrs.) She could have 'provided' more for me than my aparents did.  Money was never the issue.

"Why do you feel as if you have missed out on grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, etc?"

Um, because they're my clan--why is that so hard for others to understand? Cars and houses are replaceable—humans are not.

Do you not consider your adoptive family, your family?

They are the people who raised me. I consider my husband and children my family.

Does it take blood to make you love and care for someone?

No, I love and care for my husband and friends—but of course I CHOSE them, they weren't ASSIGNED to me.

“In that case, do you have no friends? I can tell you that there are several people I am blood kin to, that I do not care for-blood does not make the relationship"

See above.  Would you feel comfortable with me assigning a husband for you?

"How did you miss out on a culture? A culture is the values, beliefs, etc. that are passed down to you in your environment. Did you not have ANY of that?"

I suppose I got what was important to my German-Lutheran adopters.  But I missed out on my Scot-Irish culture.

Answer 18

What is your relationship like with your adoptive parents? Do they know of your feelings of resentment towards adoption?

Which set of adoptive parents? I can't tell them anything I was returned for a better model.

Would you have rather been raised in a home where you were not wanted and/or loved, or with parents that were unable to provide for you?

Hum the only place I experienced that was in foster care and adoptive homes

What a discriminatory question. I was not abused like many others I was stolen!! If my parents had abused me I would rather have been abused by my family then by strangers, then dumped on the streets and left to die.

Why do you feel as if you have missed out on grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, etc?

Yes... I grew up alone, no family, no friends on the run hiding for fear of my life by these people you seem to think have halos above their head.

Answer 19

"What is your relationship like with your adoptive parents?"

My amom passed away when I was 24, my adad 30 years later.  Neither one admitted that I was adopted - even after I found out at age 31.  Other than that - my relationship with them was pretty good.  Better with my adad.  And I have a wonderful relationship with my stepmom.

"Do they know of your feelings of resentment towards adoption?"  

My resentment is towards sealed records, not adoption.  I can't undo the past - but I can try to change the present.

"Do you wish you had not been adopted, or do you just wish that adoption was not necessary?"  

The more I learn about my birthmother, the more I would like to have known her growing up.  I don't know if I would have wanted to be raised by her.  As for my birthfather - from what I know of him, I'm not interested in finding him.

"Would you have rather been raised in a home where you were not wanted and/or loved, or with parents that were unable to provide for you?"  

Gee, a choice of two negatives.  Money is nice - but I would choose love.  In real life - things aren't so absolute.

"Why do you feel as if you have missed out on grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, etc?"  

I don't.

"Do you not consider your adoptive family, your family?"

Yes, and I also consider my birth family (wherever they are) to be my family.

"Does it take blood to make you love and care for someone? In that case, do you have no friends? I can tell you that there are several people I am blood kin to, that I do not care for-blood does not make the relationship."

I agree.  I know people who despise their blood kin and those who are very close.  It's not the relationships - it's the grounding you get from seeing where you come from.  If genetics didn't in some way define YOU - why do people care about their family trees?  Why do people care deeply about which baby they bring home from the hospital - why can't you just pick one you like and leave yours behind?

"How did you miss out on a culture? A culture is the values, beliefs, etc. that are passed down to you in your environment. Did you not have ANY of that?"

If cultures were interchangeable like that - why would ANY culture be important?  Why are the values of one's culture "passed down" in the first place if there's no difference as to which culture is passed to the next generation?

If my family tree and my culture are interchangeable - then I may as well pick ones I like.

Answer 20

1. My adoptive father was abusive...mentally, physically, emotionally...my adoptive mother never wanted to adopt children, she wanted kids of her own, but couldn't have them.  she and I haven't spoken for more than a few minutes in the past twelve years.  Most of this has to do with the way I was treated by them, not because of the adoption.

2. I wish that I hadn't been adopted.  Then perhaps I wouldn't be dealing with the issues that I have to deal with on a daily basis.  I can't say that my birth parents would have been any better, but they couldn't have been much worse.

3. As I see it, I was not wanted or loved in the house that I was raised in, so you tell me...

4.  I had a good extended adoptive family, but I was never a part of it.  I was the outsider.  The weirdo.  The strange child. I was the one that was beat on by the cousins and nothing was ever said to them.

5.  They're my family as far as having to claim one.  If my adoptive father wasn't on my birth certificate as my father, then he and I wouldn't acknowledge that each other existed.  We would truly hate each other.

6.  Blood doesn't make a l**k of difference.  It's the relationships that count.  I didn't have good relationships with my adoptive family so I fail to see what your point is.  Blood didn't mean anything to the woman who carried me for nine months.  It didn't mean anything to the man who donated the other half of my genetic makeup.

7.  I have friends.  I have those i claim as sisters and brothers though they aren't.  There is family you're born to, family born to you, and family you let into your heart.  I've let my friends in.  My adoptive family opted out, as did my birth family.

8.  Culture...i'm an American.  I've learned my values, beliefs, and morals in the school of hard knocks.  My adoptive family didn't teach me anything except how not to be.

I don't think you understand at all the way an adoptee feels when they learn the truth...whether it's in childhood or as an adult.  They feel isolated.  confused.  They wonder, even into adulthood what it was about them that made their birth parents give them up.  It's a matter of acceptance.  Now, I know that others have had great experiences with adoption, but as a whole, i think the system sucks.

Answer 21

1. What is your relationship like with your adoptive parents?

My amom passed away 3 years ago.  We got along quite well.  I loved her and miss her very much.  My afather was abusive toward her, my brother and me.  I send him cards on holidays, birthdays and such, but we have no relationship.  However, this has little to do with adoption, but rather with the dynamics of one family in one town in California, USA.

2. Do they know of your feelings of resentment towards adoption?  

I don't resent "adoption" in and of itself.  I resent some of the attitudes, practices and laws of adoption in the U.S.  There are times when adoption is necessary.  However, I like to be prudent with the concept of moving children from one family to another.

3. Do you wish you had not been adopted, or do you just wish that adoption was not necessary?  

In an ideal world, no one's adoption would be "necessary" because no relinquishment or tpr would be necessary.

4. Would you have rather been raised in a home where you were not wanted and/or loved, or with parents that were unable to provide for you?  

This question assumes that my first parents didn't want me or couldn't provide for me.  That wasn't my circumstance.  There are others who were adopted for whom this was not the circumstance, either.   It also insinuates that a child is wanted, loved and well cared for when s/he is adopted.  Sometimes that happens and sometimes it doesn't.  There are decent parents and abusive parents of both varieties -- adoptive and biological.  

5. Why do you feel as if you have missed out on grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, etc?

They're my family, too.

6. Do you not consider your adoptive family, your family?

Yes, they are my family.  So is my first family.  It's not a either/or situation.

7. Does it take blood to make you love and care for someone?

No.  Like I said, it's not an either/or situation.

8. How did you miss out on a culture?

I'm Irish.  I was raised in a Czech/Polish household.  Believe me, I LOOK Irish.  I didn't miss out on "a" culture, but I missed out on "my" culture.

9. Also, have you met your bio families, to even be sure that is something you would want to be a part of?

Yes, I have an excellent relationship with my first father and my entire extended family on that side.  They searched for me and I for them.   My first mom passed away.  I have a good relationship with my first grandfather (her dad.) BTW, wanting or not wanting to be part of a family doesn't make it so.  Even if I didn't like them, it doesn't stop me from being part of the family.  If I didn't like them, I just wouldn't associate with them.

You ask about this concept of "bitterness."  Bitter suggests an anger that serves no purpose.  I am angry with the laws, practices and attitudes prevalent in adoption in the U.S. that deny the rights of people.  The fact that adopted citizens are treated unequally under the law does make me angry, therefore pushing me to work to make positive changes in adoption for future adoptees.  That is a purpose I will continue to pursue.

Answer 22

1. What is your relationship like with your adoptive parents?--

I have a very good relationship with them.

2.Do they know of your feelings of resentment towards adoption?--I'm really not resentful towards adoption per say, just that my mother didn't clean up her life for me.

3.Do you wish you had not been adopted, or do you just wish that adoption was not necessary? I really can't say this because I have a great life and I wouldn't trade it in the world. Yes i wish adoption wasn't necessary, because every child does deserve to be raised by their biological parent. BUT because of circumstances in life, this isn't always possible, so then that is where adoption takes place.

4. Would you have rather been raised in a home where you were not wanted and/or loved, or with parents that were unable to provide for you? I would rather be raised in a home where I was loved. Wouldn't anybody? I do know some parents who are unable to provide material, but they sacrifice alot and their kids turned out normal.

5.Why do you feel as if you have missed out on grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, etc? Do you not consider your adoptive family, your family? My adoptive family is my family. I do feel I missed out just a little, because my biological grandma is nice person.

6.Does it take blood to make you love and care for someone?--- I hope to get married someday and that person will be no blood relation to me and he will be my family. Because that would be nasty to have your husband be related to you by blood.

7.In that case, do you have no friends?--- Yes, i have many friends! What a dumb thing to ask!

8.How did you miss out on a culture?--Well, just a little bit about my hertiage. But when i grew up i went on a mission to discover it myself. So, i wasn't resentful about it, or anything.

Answer 23

1. I have a good relationship with my a-parents, but although they know I have issues with adoption, they don’t know my exact feelings or the extent of them. I haven’t told them because I don’t want to hurt them.

2. I love my a-family, but I wish adoption wasn’t necessary. Whether that means I was born into my a-family or kept by my b-parents, I don’t know, but I wish I hadn’t been adopted.

3. My b-mum regrets having me so if she had kept me, I would have had to face that resentment daily, but at least I would have had my b-family. But I don’t know. I’m torn between wanting to live in a loving a-family or with my b-family even if I was resented.

4. I lost my heritage, my culture, my b-family, my family history and medical info. Yes my a-family are my family, but I’m still missing something. It doesn’t take blood to make a relationship, but I believe that blood is still important to defining who you are.

5. I missed out on a culture because my b-family have a different culture to my a-family, which make it harder to get to know my b-family and reminds me that I am not fully part of their family, though I could have been if I hadn’t been adopted. Although my a-parents told the agency that they’d expose me to my first culture, they didn’t and that still hurts.

6. What’s the question? My a-family are my “real” family, but so are my b-family. Both are strangers and both are family. I don’t really belong in any one family. Thanks to adoption, I’m alone. I love and am loved, but I’m still struggling. Despite adoption propaganda, love doesn’t solve everything.

7. My relationship with my a-family is fine, thanks. I love them & they love me. But I’m still missing something, oh yeah, that blood connection.

8. Yes, I’ve met my b-families. They’re lovely people. My b-mum didn’t want me – that’s why I was given up. She didn’t tell her family about me until too late, so they may have wanted to keep me. In my case and in my belief, there was NO good reason for me not being raised by them. Other than possibly their religion, which sees me as a b*****d, but for me, family comes before religion.

Answer 24

Oh Zaza...how do you know one of the "bitter ones" gave that answer the thumbs down.  Really it could have been anyone.  Anyone with thumb power who wants to stir things could be thumbing.  Let's get real here.

And to answer the question, my aparents did the best they could raising me.  Over all, I have had a pretty good experience as an adoptee.  And I consider myself a happy, successful person.  

I still wish I wasn't adopted.  

Being adopted, having people tell you to be grateful and to be glad you weren't aborted.  People assuming you are illegitimate and unwanted...well..it sucks.  I don't have a problem with my adoptive family really, I have a problem with all the secrets and lies that were involved with my adoption.  I have a problem with all the idiots out there who assume things about adopted people that really, they have no business thinking.

Walk a mile in my shoes, that's all I'm saying.

Answer 25

This is the part that I don't understand. I have read all of your responses thus far. I am opening my mind to understand and what an awakening I have had! I understand that not all adoptions turn out as well as the ONLY one I know. I now understand the tremendous loss that some adoptees feel. I now understand that not all adoptive parents are loving and totally accepting. But...... why would Tyler get a "thumbs down" for having had a totally positive experience with adoption?