of yesterday Ma? You asked another question today : Were you at your parents' death bed, did they teach you how to die???
This was my answer arriving too late since you had already resolved it!
"Sometimes your poetry is too painful for me, Ma. That could have been the source of my misplaced anger yesterday which went to you, yesterday..
This is my answer:
My parents are both alive. I have loved them so very much that it sometimes distorts my soul when they claim not y to UNDERSTAND me; "their wayward, black sheep" of an only daughter. I know they have understood and with much pride and pleasure my other 2 siblings, one alive, one now dead. I however through no fault of mine which I can measure do I believe I've deserved less.
But to such a criticism, I show a calm, accepting face : for I love my parents, far more than they can tell...and if I fought them, their claim, I perhaps may lose them...and I don't want to lose anyone I love.
If when at their deathbed, my presumption of such scenario be, that my mother would scold me for having been what she persists I am, I will realize that her Pride Eternal, will prevent tears of farewell to form in her eyes, should she tell inaudibly me she's loved me ALWAYS,and NEVERTHELESS. And I will understand. I'll return her a smile of comprehension, one that will hide another pinch of pain.. For more important to me is that she goes to her rest never having to suffer the UNSAID.
From my father, I'll witness his determined, unmoving sternness, that I remember, never to a fault, to stay Honest, Straightforward, devoted to do my very best, just an inch from Perfection. No matter what tiredness, what apathy may suddenly enter, nor Defeat, or surrender to lesser virtues than he has taught me. No matter how tempting.
He'll not ask for a kiss of Goodbye, I can tell you, instead he'll say, as he has said many times : "Well, now that ALL has been said - good buy "sweetie!" And expire.....
Even if I had hankered for the opportunity of giving him a kiss on the cheek while he still would have felt it - I'll wait past his passing, kissing his cold brow instead...
(I'll not embarrass him you see..I'd have to wait till he was gone to show my demonstrativeness.)
As for my mother, I'd dare not kiss...although I'd want at that moment NOTHING ELSE IN THE WORLD...for she would ask, stopping my gesture of love with this question? : 'What are you doing? Are we not Strong and Proud?'...and I will dutifully agree.
Ans AGAIN, I would not want to disappoint my parent for having eternally believed that PRIDE, Excessive Strength, sometimes makes too stern a soldier of SOMEONE such as I who wants only to be a person..
Then all would be still - I'd leave the room then..perhaps to cry alone, as sometimes I do. My face a contorted mask, a last mask perhaps or the one FOREVER - A clown's grimace from the most Extraordinary effort to hold back centuries' of tears that are human.
And I'll refuse shelter if for even ONE moment of mourning from anyone whose arms would be offered as consolation..for you see, I will need none!
I'll just walk straight out of the death room, and far down the hall to the door which leads me outside - on my own.
For I must remember, should I shatter into brittle pieces of glass, that I am That SOLDIER; well-trained, dutiful, devoted to the "cause" and exceptionally through and through TRUE to what I've become would remind me that a littlead perhaps been affected! Mine!
Yes, my parents at their death will have taught me a lottle more how to die.
But Dying I KNOW...I've done it all along.
Mistakenly some people tell me I do not love how to love..but that is their projection, for I know my heart.
Now, do you understand Ma?
Does anyone else who may need to?
Because this is my own Life's TRUE Testimony.
And I have no apologies to grant where there are none deserved!!!
Grecia.
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