A quick freeverse-Not quite final-Your thoughts appreciated?

Question

Fame

I want my time

That little piece

A grain of fame

A miniscule pinpoint

In sun drenched eyes

The faltering path

Leaves it eluded

By my own hand

Relentless procrastination

Chasing rainbows

Of mock illusion

I am handed-rejection

The stingy kind

Salting the existing

Let me grasp it

In my over worked hands

Before I die

A piece of me

Left behind

Not just DNA

It may be selfish

Fame is fickle

I need to store it

Jar it- See it brighten

Illuminate me

As I press into cushions

Filled with frustration

A seconds fall by

Let me shine

This fleeting thing

That I chase- In circles

I want it- I want me

To have meant something

When I lay in dirt

A coherent memory

Forever imbedded

Not just in family

I want to have haunted

The corridors of minds

A piece of my pen

Left behind

A splinter in time

I want it

I cannot help it

Can I have it?

Touch its greatness

One time

Answer 1

Well said and honest too.  We all wish to leave something and of fame, will we be able to handle if given that wish?  My compliments.

Answer 2

I do hope your wish becomes true, it seems to me well deserved, just don't give up under stress, you never know what the future may bring--who knows fame could just be a part of it!! I am hoping it will for you!!  Cheers!!

Answer 3

You want fries with that?

Before you get famous become grounded, learn to love yourself and build up a supportive group who will back you no matter what. "Pride comes before a fall"

If that is your dream, chase it. Make it happen. As Mom of 2 says be aware of what may lie ahead if it does happen.

Great format - well expresed. Good luck in the future.

Answer 4

This thought is simply beautiful:  I want me to have something when I lay in dirt, a coherent memory forever imbedded; not just in family. I want to have haunted the corridors of minds.

I love this piece.  The ONLY critique I might offer you is in the manner in which you have presented it.  I would uncapitalize the first letter of each line and write it exactly as you were thinking it and with some punctuation for pause and completion of your thoughts. These are beautiful thoughts and expressions and you want to afford the reader the best chance at being able to understand and absorb what you have written.  Sometimes...........the way a piece is written out, makes all the difference in how it is perceived and understood.  The sentiment and images are simply marvelous but I get confused in places wondering where to stop the thoughts and move onto others. Punctuation would really benefit this piece.  Here's what it would look like punctuated: (if I am understanding the piece correctly)  

I want my time,

that litttle piece,

a grain of fame;

a miniscule pinpoint

in sundrenched eyes.

The faltering path

leaves it eluded

by my own hand.

Relentless procrastination,

chasing rainbows

of mock illusion,

I am handed rejection

the stingy kind

salting the existing.

Let me grasp it

in my overworked hands

before I die,

a piece of me

left behind,

not just DNA.

It may be selfish,

fame is fickle;

I need to store it

jar it - see it brighten,

illuminate me

as I press into cushions

filled with frustration.

As seconds fall by,

let me shine.

This fleeting thing

that I chase, in circles,

I want it.  I want me

to have meant something

when I lay in dirt,

a coherent memory

forever embedded

not just in family;

I want to have haunted

the corridors of minds.

A piece of my pen

left behind,

a splinter in time.

I want it;

I cannot help it.

Can I have it?

Touch its greatness,

one time.

The more I read it, the more beautiful it becomes.  It's great work!

Answer 5

Words sent out, with trust, into the universe live forever.  You may never know the ones who will remember  what you say for all their lives.  You may never hear their praises.  I suspect that's part of the Author's burden.  

This poem touched me.

Answer 6

Something that I think all of us can relate to

even if we deny it

we really want to have left a bit of only ourselves  

an impression that will be cherished by at least a few,

that will last indefinitely when we are no longer.

Not just a moment of fame but a burning memory of what we stood for and what we believed.

or am i just being foolish?

Answer 7

You do have fame.

Right here on Y!A.

Anyway what do you need fame for?

I just saw the ugliest picture of Jennifer Lopez and her hubby chowing down at a restaurant.

That must suck to have people all in your life.

Being followed all the time.

Stalked.

gossiped about.

lied on.

Tabloids suck.

Poor famous people!

But your poem is amazing, and I felt the yearning in your lyrics. A++

Answer 8

I know it's cliche' but....careful what you ask for.