A secret family member – how would you feel?

Question

I’m curious how people would feel if they were contacted by someone claiming to be a relative who was surrendered for adoption?

How would you feel to find out about an older sibling you never knew of?

Or, how would you feel to find out your brother or sister had a child that was placed for adoption and you never knew about them?

Would you want to know them? How would you feel about them contacting you? What would you think about them being kept a secret all these years?

I can share a story; many years ago on an adoptee group I belonged to, I was emailed by someone who was looking for her natural father. He had the same name as my adoptive dad. Unfortunately it wasn’t a match. I would have been thrilled to know my dad’s daughter, but really sad and upset that she had been kept a secret from me.

How would you feel? Or, has this happened to you?

Answer 1

To be honest, I would probably not believe them and think it was some type of a scam until they showed me some proof.  That's just the way I am about everything.  

Ironically though, this happened to my husband when he was a teenager.  Apparently, my MIL had a child many years before she met my FIL.  I'm not sure I understand the full story of what happened but basically the bio father took full custody of the child with my MIL not having any contact with the child at all.  

One day out of the blue, my MIL received a phone call from the now adult daughter and she wanted to visit.  My MIL was put in the difficult situation of having to tell her son (my husband) that he was not the only child that he thought he was all those years and that he had a sister.  He was excited at first but after meeting her a few times, they drifted apart and we have no idea where she is.  My husband's version of the story was that the sister had only contacted the family looking for money.  I don't know how true that is, but I do know that she only stay involved with the family for about a year before disappearing again.  It's awkward for me, because I have a half-sister too, but I've grown up knowing her and can't imagine my life without her.  Just goes to show that everyone can have a different experience with things in life.

Answer 2

I am adopted and a secret to my mom's 2 biological children that are now young adults.  I actually refer to myself to my mother as her dirty little secret.  They are several years younger than me and have no idea that I even exist. My adoption was not quite right from the start and she and my father pretty much gave me back to the state. Until recently I have always been the one to maintain the relationship but finally realized that it was seriously damaging me on many levels.  Never the less,  she is my mother even after having met my biological mother.  Meeting my biological mother in no way made me feel whole but it was nice to finally know where I came from.

How does it make me feel, where do I start?  I am angry beyond words, hurt, have feelings of being worthless and unwanted, not easily attached to anyone or anything (other than my children), resentment for her inability to live up to the commitment of having chosen a child.  I feel that she robbed me of a childhood and ripped my kids off by not being a grand parent.  Years of therapy have helped me to deal with it but in my entire lifetime I will never get over it.

I am an accept people as you find them kind of person and I have finally accepted her for who she is and knew it was time for me to end the relationship.  One day I will find the courage to tell her why I stopped answering her calls and emails.

Answer 3

Well, as an adopted person in the closed system, I'm used to suprises, and would be excited by the prospect of a new relative.

Answer 4

I was just told that i was adopted and it just lets me know that they love me . I saw it as a gift  to myself and my family!

Answer 5

My uncle finally confessed to my cousin that he wasn't his biological father. My uncle had never intended to tell him, but was essentially blackmailed into it by his ex-wife's sister, my cousin's aunt-long story. So he told him and was terrified about what his son would think, but Brian just said "Well, all the other guy did was donate the DNA, you did the rest. I have no reason to meet or know anything about him. You're my father, you always have been, and that's all that matters." I was so proud of him!

I have another friend who knew he was adopted, even knew his birthmother's name, but never contacted her. One day he was in an ambulance being taken somewhere for a medical procedure and the EMT started talking to his mom. Somehow the fact that she and her husband had adopted a bunch if kids through Catholic Charities came up and the EMT said his aunt had given up a baby to them 20 years ago. It turns out his aunt was my friend's birth-mother! I know he's talked to her since, but I don't think he's met her yet.

Answer 6

While I was in my early teens my a-dad told me that he and an old girlfriend had a baby in the early 70's and that she was placed for adoption. My a-mom never knew. For many years I thought I had "made up" the story in my mind or dreamed of it. My dad never brought it up again.

When I was 22 this daughter found my dad. I was shocked but at least I had the notion in my head. My brother didn't know anything about our dad having another child but he was happy to have another sibling, as was I. Today she is very much a part of our family and we are very blessed to have her in our lives.

Answer 7

I would want to know them, but I don't know that I would ever be much closer to them than just good friends.

Answer 8

Ooooooh.  Weird.  I just remembered that my amom had an older brother that suddenly showed up when she was a teenager.  She was totally tripped out by it.  

I think that I would be, too.  I have no blood siblings, which makes me kinda sad.  I wish that I did.  To think that I was a big sister would be a very happy thing to me, and I would totally want to meet them and be in contact with them.

I think that it's similar to how I feel about my children and my natural parents...blood is so important, I can't help but see the similarities and FINALLY feel a little bit more normal that I wasn't created in a vacuum!

Answer 9

I would be saddened that my family kept such a secret, but I would definately want to get to know them as they would be my family too. I would have no problem with them contacting me either, again we're family.

Answer 10

if the secret would be kept so many  years then i would probley already know the person and i wouldn't care cause the only differnce  is blood so i would mind