A semi-emergency. I need an evaluation of myself. Pease help me. Please?
Okay, I really need an honest, objective opinion. You can not possibly hurt my feelings, so please be very blunt.
I need an evaluation. I need someone to help me judge myself and my work and give me some feedback.
Here are some things I would like to know and I think I have the right to know them. Maybe I even need to know them. Even if it's not something I really want to hear, I need to hear it and knowing is always better than not knowing.
I need to know -
Am I stupid? How stupid am I? Am I behind? Will I always be this way? How intelligent do you think I am, based on what I've written? (Please help - I don't want to be stupid, but I always feel like I am. I want to know what you think.)
Does my writing suck? I know it's not great, but I feel like it's the only thing I have that I can really say I feel good about. I can express myself in this way, and writing the words are easier than saying them out loud.
Do I sound mature, competent, sane? Self-aware? I feel like I know myself and like I am in touch with who I really am, while no one else really knows me at all. Maybe it's really /me/ that doesn't know the real me? (Does that even make sense?) Maybe every one else really knows best. Do I sound like I can be decisive and look out for myself? A lot of things have happened in my life, and I've been told that a lot more bad things have happened to me than most children my age - but I've never really seen it that way. I've had to be strong, and I've made it work - I acknowledge that and I understand that, but what was I supposed to do? I can't let myself be vulnerable a lot of the times, because it could mean a /lot/ of bad things.
Is it just because I'm being an angst-y teenager that I feel like I'm at a turning point in my life, or is it really that way? Why do I feel like everything I do really matters and that every decision I make is reflecting on my past and determining my future? Is this true? It sure seems that way, with this being such a critical period in my life for a lot of things, and so much going on. It feels like I can't fail now, or my whole life will turn out to be a way that I really just don't want.
I have so much more to ask - but this is enough for now. Thanks for being here. I just need to talk to someone - even if it's only my keyboard that listens.
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So, here's some of my work that you can look at to get a better idea of who I am.
My blog: I don't put too much about my life on here, just my thoughts at the time of the writing. It's not a traditional blog in the sense that I don't journal my day in it or anything, I don't really keep memories, although I keep telling myself that this is what I should do and what I want to do - I guess this is proof that I don't have to conform to the traditional blog. (Hm, never thought of that until just now. :)) I mostly just write down what I'm feeling in that exact moment and what I've been thinking about to provide a visual representation of my thoughts. This can help me sort out my thoughts and feelings and make important decisions and things.
www.imadisappointment.blogspot.com
My questions and answers on Yahoo! Answers: Well, this is easy. You get to hear what I've said and what I've thought about. Just click on my name and go to my answers and questions through my profile. Maybe answer a few while you're there. :)
A lot of stuff I can't tell you. (I mean, I can tell you, but I can't show you through posts and the like.) I don't want pity from people, and when I bring up certain things that is usually the reaction I get, so I just don't talk about them. They make up who I am, but they're not important any more. Not to talk about. I feel like I shouldn't need validation for these things, but I do need someone to tell me who I am, what to think, how to act, how to look, what to feel. I hate this. In my head I can be my own person, think my own thoughts, but sometimes it's hard for me to tell people about it without being afraid of making them uncomfortable. And then when I do it's always when I forget about not making them uncomfortable and just go with it - it always makes me feel better and much closer to the people I've talked to. Even though these people are usually not the people I consider my closest friends in the sense that 'this is who I hang out with.'
There is a lot to me, and I feel like a lot of people don't know so much about me, even those that think they are close to me and even the people I think are closest to me. I keep surprising them. I know that, and it's okay, but it always makes me a bit pleased and a bit sad when they show it so often.
I feel like I've exposed myself here, completely raw and bare, for you to judge and comment on. Please do so. Please don't be afraid. Even one word answers, even just 'wow' or something completely un-helpful like that would be much appreciat
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