A serious problem needs a serious answer?

Question

My brother is a crack addict and has been using for about 15 years. He has been though rehab several times and can stay clean for a few months at a time, then goes right back to it.

Every time he gets money in his pocket, he binges till it's gone. Mom and dad have tried helping him handle his money and keep his bills paid, but he gets mad when he asks for money and it isn't there because they used it to pay his bills. He rages at them for "stealing" his money.

Then he gets little side jobs and takes the cash on his own, and wastes every penny on crack. The last time he did this was 2 weeks ago, he was talking about needing to take his money and pay insurance and get tags for his vehicle, then he spent it all.

We have all enabled him to a certain point, Mom and dad co-signed to get him a boat during one of his clean stages, so he could make money fishing. He catches fish and sells them, keeping all the money to spend as he will, leaving my parents to pay his boat payment. They have only been able to keep enough of his money to pay 3 payments in the past year. They have paid the rest.

He asked me yesterday if I could handle his money for him and make sure his bills are paid. We sat down and figured out how much he needs to give me each month to make his bills and made a ledger. I stressed to him that he wouldnt be able to get advances from the bill money, when he runs out of pocket money, he is out till next payday. He agreed so this is set up now.

We are doing what we can to help him without enabling him to continue with this destructive behavior.

Now for the question... He just informed me that he has asked his current girlfriend to marry him. She knows of his past use, but he is pretending it is all behind him now. He wont tell her he "slipped" again a couple of weeks ago, he says it's all in his past. I feel like she should know that he is still using occasionally. I know if I say anything to her, my whole family will get mad at me for "ruining" his chances to be happy. But if I dont feel right sitting by and letting this good woman walk into this situation blind.

My brother is a wonderful man when he isn't using, but when he goes on his binges and spends all his money he gets verbally abusive to anyone trying to confront him about his crack use. We are both in our 40's so it isn't a teenage thing. Is there anyone that can give me insights on how to deal with this situation?

Answer 1

this is an incredibly sad situation. i wish i could be of more help.

but i guess all i can suggest is i really dont think it's a good idea that he marries her when he still has an addiction.

i can only say this because of a) my mother, who is a violent alcoholic and consistent smoker and b) what i've seen in movies

and from those two, its never worked out. my entire family is broken because of my mother's addiction and my life would be completely different if she would have given it up.

drug addiction is a most terrible thing, as much as he would like to come clean, it takes tremendous will power and also the problem that his body is probably quite dependent on the drug now.

i really dont know how to help that much. but i think it's important that he knows how you feel about his addiction, what it's doing to you and how it's effecting everyone around him.

well. there's always movies: requiem for a dream and the movie Gia (Angelina Jolie) will make you never to want to touch drugs again. so maybe you guys need a movie break. both brilliant films as well.

im so sorry for your burden :(

i hope things work out for you x

Answer 2

talk to him about it.  tell him that he needs to get his LIFE together...not just his money.  This could only lead to trouble because when she finds out the wrong way she will leave him.  Women in love are some tolerating creatures so he needs to be upfront.  Dont worry about ruining his life because he is ruining his own life.  At this moment in time, however,  I would let it go.  Maybe this time he can put it behind him...if he slips up again though you should tell her.  You are a grown man so what are you worried about what ANYBODY, including your parents, think?  You want to protect your brother and you want to protect others from your brother so do what you have to do.  God will show you a way when you humble your mind and listen to his will

Answer 3

Like you said he is not a teenager. i think you and your family have been doing a lot for him. He should start taking care of himself, he knows that if he gets in to any financial trouble you and your family will help him and i think that is one of the problem. he needs to see that you can't always be there for him and if continues like this he could lose, his family and hie gf.

If i was u i would tell his girlfriend if i was her, i would of liked to know.

despite wat your faimly thinks at the end of the day if she does find out after their married there will be no more relationship. U are already doing a good job keep it up and i think u should let ur brother to things independtly from now on, u have already don so much for him.

Take care i hope it all works out.

Answer 4

well i think you should tell his girlfriend so she knows what shes dealing with and this way she can decide to stick by him or not because if you dont tll her and she marrys him and finds out he still uses she may leave and devorce him which will set him deeper into his addiction and will also make him quiet suicidal when his not using.

for you to understand him more i suggest you read this book its about allot of other stuff but it has really good information on trying to get clean and what helped. its called A PIECE OF CAKE by cupcake brown.

i really stress you should read it.

xoxo

good luck and read that book!!!

Answer 5

If you don't want to be the bad guy and tell your brother's GF then what you need to do is arrange for her to be there when he is high.

I agree with you that she has the right to know. But I also understand your reluctance to interfere.

You cannot help your brother. Only he can decide to quit. And he is obviously not at rock bottom. Maybe when he loses everything he might make an honest assessment of his life....but right now he is still functioning in the real world. And as long as he is, he will be able to justify his drug use to himself....which is all the reason to keep using.

There are 3 things you can do to help your brother and all of them will hurt him....1. Stage an intervention 2. do nothing and let things continue as they are or 3. Drop all contact with your brother, this is really hard when you love someone. But if he looses part of his support system he might wise up. Good Luck.

Answer 6

personally, i think your brothers girlfriend should know that he is still using, but i dont think she should hear it from you. i think its best that your brother tells her. so try to talk to your brother about it, try to convince him to tell her. in the end, if he well and truly loves her, he'll want whats best for her, and she deserves to know the truth. if worst comes to worst, and your brother is being stubborn and refuses to tell her the truth, i think you might have to tell her yourself, because it is entirely unfair for her to be unaware of such a big thing. and you cant start a relationship on lies. so try to get your brother to tell her, but if he doesnt, then i think you should talk to her about it.

i really hope ive helped. best of luck for you and your family.

Answer 7

Crack kills. Only 1% of crack addicts are able to kick and stay sober.