A short poem...do you like it?

Question

The relentless being of me can find no ease-

Some chaos of dimension spawns these cruel unendings-

No tangent finds the insensate granite core,

The fragment of primal rock hurled down from heaven

And dashed to bits on the eye of a sleeping planet.

Answer 1

The image of the primal rock... and the implication of its consequences--stunningly visual. I like this poem very much.

Answer 2

Yes, chaos sometimes forms us - for good or bad.  It takes us unaware.  But, here we are, nevertheless.  What shall we do?  Perservere.  I like your intense poem very much.

Answer 3

woah thats pretty tight! very good word choice.

Answer 4

I like it, its perfect--I cannot explain why it just is, its visuals are nice and played a fanciful movie in my mind- Its not dressed up all fancy, its torn down, in simple complexity-if that makes sense

I have another piece of work up and would love your imput

Answer 5

ego, complicated, ambitious, persistanc, strong, self-consciousness, insightful, s**y though

Answer 6

This is an odd poem..."relentless being of me"...I'm sorry, but it sounds contrived...if you say, "relentless being in me", then "okay", because then you're saying that there is an inner self, a "relentless being" inside you...but "of me" sounds like a patchwork phrase without meaning or with accidental proximity of words. The second line has similar flaws...you're painting with words alright, but they are misused...a "chaos of dimension"...what's that? "chaos" is a state of being, like "red" or "large"...it's an adjective unless you're speaking of the larger chaos...but if that's the case, it's not of "dimension"...and "unending" is an adjective, but you use it as a noun.  Also, a "tangent" cannot find a core...because it's tangent.

You used some sophisticated words that sounded good together, and maybe even a little deep...but the reality is that the words do not convey a coherent image...and I suspect that was not your intent.  You've got a good ear for poetry and I've read many of your posts, but I really think you missed the mark with this one...but just this one. (and please don't shoot the messenger)

...as always, keep writing

Answer 7

The word choice is excellent but the tone or rhythm of the poem isn't well defined. The visuals are very evocative, but the sound to the ear doesn't flow. not a bad thing though, a poem without the polish is raw emotion and expression

Answer 8

I sought it out, and found the ending of your poem so like a soul out of codes. It is ending in sounds which out of a super group would think it so regarded as iterative.

Primal rock from heaven, dashing on the sleep, it is out of the chaos dimension, in relentlessness. Original.

Although you straight shoot it in the eye of a sleeping planet, it should have non retention of the eyes and your crack.

So I would like to add:

And trashing dead out the matter of a reverent world

Answer 9

ME LIKEY .......ENTER IT IN A CONTEST AND GET IT PUBLISHED....AND PUT IN RIGHT ON A PIC TO.. .

Answer 10

Yes, I do.  I like words that paint a picture and you do that very well in this.

A very intelligent piece of writing.

Those without a good vocabulary need not apply.

Answer 11

Once in a while one of your poems explodes on to a grand scale that burst into brilliant color in my mind... other times it is the smallest whisper that one must take notice to... this is both! I see the grand scheme and all the spectacular colors coming down from the heavens to grace a presence but in the words I find a peace though the message may not be about peace... I always feel safe in your poems, as though you will care for my mind and not betray me by hurting with darkness. I love the way I connect to the words and I also love how each of your poems is short but therein is contained more than most any other poet that I know could ever manage. There are so many things to be discovered here and I wish I could drown myself, for a day, in your words...

Thank you

Blessed Be

and Peace

From your good friend Siren

Answer 12

Really cool

i like it

I am a writter too so i would say

keep on writing

writing is the best way of epression

of what you truely feel

and who you are inside

Answer 13

It sounds as if you are trying too hard.

Answer 14

Its cool but the word "fragment" is too close to "rock" and that makes me think of...Fragle Rock. And threw me off. Otherwise, its cool.