A sonnet about time and life (lifetime). I desire your honest critique.

Question

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Sonnet I

I hang with you, upon the homely bough

That sways gently to the autumnal breeze

Whose soft whisper and age-bringing blow

Has turned our face yellow, and brought the trees

A gown of colored leaves that fall until

They’re, buried under the entombing snow

And now, the mourning oak, is standing still

With her empty branches that weigh with woe

Such is the deed of time upon our fate

A looting wind that shakes the leafy trees

And takes with it all that were animate

Green leaves rustling with the joyous breeze

And here, within our cold coffins we lie

Yet our souls, blessed with warmth, will not die

Lulleh

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Answer 1

beautiful poem, :), was very calming

Answer 2

This is a very strong first effort that in its opening lines brought to mind Shakespeare's much loved sonnet 73, that I find myself softly intoning from time to time because of its masterful construction and hypnotic effect.  You are making your ideas rhyme, your meter is quite excellent for the most part, and I do not have many quibbles with your work.  Consider changing "sways gently" to "gently sways" in line 2 to improve meter; also "blow" and "bough" constitute a slant rhyme and although your words need not always chime, it does somewhat diminish the purity of the form.  However, to address this issue might require making other changes that are not desired...similarly, "fate" and "animate" are a slant rhyme when "animate" is used as an adjective, where its pronunciation requires a "short a" sound, as opposed to the "long a" enunciation used when "animate" appears as a verb.  However, when one considers that English is not your first language, that you are quite young, and that this is your first sonnet, your effort is remarkable.  You are learning to hear the language of inanimate things, and to translate that language -- none of whose words is known to us -- into a language more familiar, and in your own idiom.  I understand you -- you are a poet, and should be a source of pride to all who watch your development.  

Answer 3

That was a great First Ever Sonnet! It was very beautiful and well-written.

Answer 4

If you're going to write a Shakespearean sonnet, you've got a good start.  Shakespeare wrote mostly in iambic pentameter, especially his sonnets, so my comments will be based on that form.

Line 1 is good, line 2 faulters, as stated by "an honest man"...I'd recommend, "That gently sways upon the Autumn breeze" as it states the same thing but has the correct meter.  Line 3 has problems...because "whisper" is trochaic, not iambic (long short instead of short long)...this inversion of meter throws the entire line off...try, "whose whisper soft and age-advancing blow", which corrects the meter and the beats.  Line 4 has the correct number of beats, but "yellow" is also trochaic, not iambic, so it creates the same situation as line 3...you might be able to correct this by inverting the word order so it reads, "has yellow turned our face and brought the trees".  Line 5 is good, drop the commas from lines 6 and 7 and they'll be okay, but line 8 has two trochaic words back to back: empty branches.  To fix this line you'll have to rewrite it...perhaps, "with branches empty yet weighed down with woe".  Lines 9 and 10 are good; line 11 doesn't work.  I know what you meant, but the wording is awkward and it doesn't comply with the form....maybe, "And takes with it the things once animate".  Line 12 starts with a spondee (Green leaves has two long beats), not an iamb...if you force it to be an iamb it sounds forced...so you need to find another word...and rustling is trochaic...maybe "While new leaves rustle with the joyous breeze".  Finally, the couplet at the end is supposed to be a punchline of sorts, not a continuation of the previous phrase per se.  You might try,

"Though here within cold coffins we may lie

Our souls, twice-blessed with warmth will never die"

Minor edits mostly, not bad for a first attempt.  Hope the comments lead you in the right direction.

...and keep writing