A war poem?

Question

any suggestions..

im not finished

When the door slams closed from the summer breeze,

I know its not you coming home from seas.

And the rusting of footsteps emanating from beneath the door

It’s just a sad memory you will never be coming back from this war

When I grasp that handle on the door you stood and wished goodbye

Saying you’d be back for summer was your little white lie

You really didn’t have to go

Could have hidden those whims under the fresh fallen snow

My hearts rips like the knife that went into your flesh

But as your wounds old, my wounds are fresh

Enveloped with all you left behind

The smell of your shirt, the letters you wrote

All those things keeping me from my peace of mind

And from finding a happy note

Answer 1

That is beautiful!

You seem to be doing a AABBCCDD pattern so if it was me I'd keep it consistent for the last lines

Enveloped with all you left behind

All those things keeping me from my peace of mind

The smell of your shirt, the letters you wrote

In your jacket, a folded note

then maybe you could ellaborate what was in the note...

Just an idea anyway

Answer 2

This is really good. A friend of mine joined the Army so I can relate.

Is this based on the current war? Or a war from the past?

If you wanted to make a ballad, you could make the second stanza a refrain.

Good job so far. Keep it up!

Answer 3

wow this made me cry. this is beautiful. my dad is in the army. he goes to afghanistan or iraq and we dont know if hes gonna be ok. i see my friends as they mourn over their dead moms and dads. i hear of deaths due to the war almost every day. i live in vicenza italy beacuse my dad is stationed here right now and 9 young soldiers from here died just last week. there are more than 20 in the hospital brutally injured or still recovering from the ambush. its not a fun thing. my mom always worry that some1 will show up at our door and tell us that my dad has died. this is a beautiful poem. it shows the crule feelings that run through some1s mind who has lost a loved one to war.