A year ago I cheated........?

Question

Almost a year ago, I most regretably, cheated on my husband with a much younger {Im 34 he is 22}. I realized what a huge mistake i ws making and ended, completely. I mean i have never had contact with him again, to this day. The thing is, the day Dustin left, my husband litterally begged me to let him come home, and I did. For a while it was ~ok. Things were mentioned but not frequently. During this episode, I had recently been diagnosed with Bi-polar. Which led to the Doctors experimenting with several different medications.

Now I am not in the least using that as an excuse, though i believe the meds encouraged bad, very bad decision making. He vowed to me that he would make things better than they were before, and so would I. But you see, he just cant get over it, and I dont blame him. He has stated to me several times that "he will NEVER forgive me". Now after months and months of me trying to make it up to him, and trying to make this worse it seems I cant anymore. The looks from across the room, the inuendoes, the putting down, the degradation. Am I really supposed to be expected to take this kind of torture, If hes never going to forgive then why does he insist on staying togather. Is it his own insecurities about being alone again, what is it. I just cant stand this anymore. I love him to death, and I pay every day of my life for the awful mistake that i made. But i have asked for forgiveness countless times and I am still refused it...............I just dont know what to do.

Answer 1

Gosh, you sound a lot like my ex-wife.....except that you are filled with remorse, which is something that my ex lacked.  In my case, my ex was never sorry, instead she felt guilty, but continued her fling anyway.

My therapist once gave me some advise:  "Affairs often linger."  However, in your case the affair didn't linger.    

My prognosis.  You made a mistake, you appoligized and you are sincere otherwise you wouldn't be asking for help.  The problem is his alone at this point.  

I suggest taking a small break from one another if it at all possible.  This has gone on long enough and if he can't get over it (and that is a possibility) then you should move on.              

Answer 2

i don't reallyunderstand this question at all

Answer 3

It sounds like he's been trying really hard to get over it, and is realizing that he can't. He should leave you; he should have left you when you cheated on him. Offer him a divorce and try to move on with your life.

Answer 4

your husband probly really loves you and he is scare that if he might forgive you then you will do it again as if they were no problems...im glad you understand you made a mistake and ask for forgiveness just try to talk to him and show him is not worth cheating

Answer 5

What you did was wrong and you have admitted it and you believe it. Your husband is not able to overcome this which is understandable. You should not be punished or tormented by him however, if he was not able to deal with it then he should have let you go. As the saying goes two wrongs don't make a right, the two wrongs being you cheating and him degrading you. Maybe you will have to step up and be the one to end things because it sounds unhealthy  for the both of you right now.

Answer 6

well try hard...tell him that u love him...n u screwed big time....it will take some time...but try to shw him how loyal u r ...n if he cant forgive u...just make peace with it...i guess.....u shud...but i wud say dont leace the guy...he stuck by u for sure he loves u ..unconditionally!

Answer 7

ok well what i can tell you is that your husband still loves you hes just trying to make you pay for what you did by what hes doing. He wants some sort of comfort in this whole thing cause its all he can think about when he sees you. he doesn't know how to find this comfort and that's why he keeps torturing you because its all he knows how to do right now. This is just a suggestion you dont have to do this but you could let him cheat to do a whole eye for an eye thing maybe that will help.

Sorry i couldn't be more helpful

Answer 8

What he's doing is beating you up...in a figurative sense. You hurt him and now its his turn to hurt you back. Except yeah..I agree...enough is enough. You know....a person can always forgive but we never forget. but because we don't forget doesn't mean that we constantly have to keep digging the issue up and tossing it in your face.

So now what you have is a man whose being cruel. And it's clear you're not leaving him but he relishes seeing you being uncomfortable, squirming and being beaten down.

It's something he's going to have to get over...period. You can't change the past but it does no good to constantly rub your nose in it. This is where you're going to have to come to a decision. You've paid for your transgression time and time again. You know you've made a mistake and have done everything and then some to atone for this. Yet he sadistically torments you daily.

How's your sanity holding up? Because if this keeps up you're on the road to a nervous breakdown or worse. So let's say it comes to the point it becomes so intolerable you decide to leave. Who cares what people think and say? Anyone with any brains will understand you screwed up and made every attempt to reconcile and make things right as they possibly can be. It's not your fault he still wants to whip you and not let it go. People will understand that you can only take just so much. And your lot in life is not to be driven to the point of depression and despair for something that occurred 365 days ago.

Time to come to grips with this and take a stand. If he can't deal with it get the h**l out and keep your sanity. Jesus...we're all human and we make mistakes in life. You'rs didn't cause anybody their life or health. But it'll take a toll on your life and health if you don't make your stand.

Answer 9

alright.

well, sit him down and say that you love him, and you want it to work, and you're sorry and your regret it, but you're not going to go through the rest of your life miserable because he can't be a man and get over it. (well, put it more gently, but that's the gist). Tell him that if he doesn't cut it out, that neither of you will ever be happy with each other.  

Answer 10

No, you are not supposed to put up with this. Think about it, it is only because of your guilt that you think you should. I would sit down and talk to him and tell him that you know you have made a mistake but the mistake he's making is in judging you Everyday whereas the mistake you made was 1 mistake. Tell him if he cannot forgive you, you refuse to put up with his judgmental attitude...even Jesus could forgive and he is no better than Jesus.

People tend to put up with more when they feel guilty but most likely this is going to be your only life. Is this the way you really want to live it and who you want to live it with?

Answer 11

You should sit down and talk to your husband and let him know that you know what you did was wrong but that if he is willing to make it work with you then he needs to be willing to forget it.  It's very hard to forget in the beginning but with time and you being very honest and sincere it should help.  My husband cheated on me too about a year and a half or two years ago and I was trying to make it work but it was just too much pain for me so I asked him for some time and space and we were separated for 7 months before getting back together. In that time I trained my mind that if I was going to go back with him that I needed to move on and not bring it up.  We have been back together for 10 months now and it seems like things are only getting better.  I truly wish you the best of luck and hope that everything goes well.

Answer 12

Cougar

Answer 13

It doesn't sound like he's going to let it go and forgive you completely. Talk to him and flat out say, if you'll never find it in your heart to forgive me, then maybe we'd both be better off with someone else. Sorry if that's not what you wanted to hear.

Answer 14

Extra marital affairs suck for all involved! You admitted to it, it's done, it's over!!  It's hard to regain trust, but to forgive is crutial in any relationship. I too would be annoyed if my spouse continued to play the "I can't ever forgive you card".  It may be time to tell him enough is enough! Get over it          or get gone!!

Answer 15

I think eventually time will heal his pain. I know it has been a year but that really isn't a long time to GET OVER it. He has to feel like he can trust again because once as trust is broken in a marriage, it can be quite rocky for some time. He will never forget what you did but im sure he will forgive, and heal in time. Just let him know how much you mean to him,take time to  tell him everyday in different ways.  

Answer 16

He should just leave your cheating ***!  

Answer 17

You sound like you have repented from your actions. Personally, I think it's time that he gets over it. Tell him that you don't have to put up with his innuendo's,  the "looks" from across the room, putting you down, and the degradation. Woman, it sounds like you've had a gut full! Tell him for the last time that your sorry, but the next time he starts up with all that c**p, you're going to leave, and find someone who will appreciate you! The thought of you in another mans arms will soften his outward attitude towards you.If it doesn't, you could start telling him how the other man was "bigger", or "better". Trust me, these things will crush a mans ego, and he should come around to being polite really soon. Good Luck!

Answer 18

I know how you feel.  It sucks, its frustrating and seems like no matter what you say or do it will never get better.  But it will give it time.  What you did is a very hard thing to forgive.  It takes a lot longer to forgive than you think it should but look at it from his perspective.  How long would it have taken you to forgive him had the shoe been on the other foot.  Please trust me when I say its worth working out and even when you feel like you can't take  it anymore keep trying because this will eventually strengthen your relationship in the long run.