ADOPTEES: does it hurt your feelings that some people only think of adopting if they can't conceive?

Question

I have to admit, it hurts mine a little. I'm not the kind of fragile person who gets hurt over every little thing but it does bug me when I see comments on here saying "I'd only consider adopting if I couldn't have a baby of my own." I guess it's natural to want a baby that's biological to you. That's not what hurts me. What hurts me is this attitude that adoption is a last resort for the hopeless. That somehow the kids who are up for adoption are the last ones picked from the playground. That's how it feels anyway. I guess I just wanted to see if anyone else got that same feeling.

BTW, my own adoptive parents had 2 biological and adopted because they wanted to....not because they had to or because it was a last resort.

Answer 1

I am a foster/ adoptive parent. We became foster/adoptive parents because we could not concieve. Honestly I am ashamed to admit it because it does sound like adoption was a last resort. For me being un able to concieve/ carry a child was heart breaking... I was deeply depressed thinking "whats wrong with me? Maybe I'm not worthy of being a mother" not only was I disappointed; but I felt I was some how letting down my family and my husband's family. There is a true grief and sadness of feeling like you can't do the one thing that nature intends you to do. Plus I was frightened that I would fall in love with an adopted child and then have that child taken away like in some lifetime movie. Once I came to terms with my broken body I realized that adoption was just another option... People get pregnate naturally, through accupuncture and herbs, fertility treatments....adoption is just another avenue to building a family. We have since had biological natural twin boys but I am so thankful that we couldn't concieve otherwise we would not have our beautiful adopted son or the dream of more adopted children.

Answer 2

I was adopted, and honestly, I have never thought of it.  I have always known that my family loves me, even though their blood doesn't run through my veins.  I think that is more important than why they adopted me in the first place.

Answer 3

Sometimes, but I try not to take it personally.

I think many feel that kids who are up for adoption are in highly valued rather than "the last chosen" and they hesitate to get involved in the fray.  The legal issues, the wait, the stereotypes, the fear of disappointment, all give prospective adoptive parents pause.

When I was young I always told everyone that I didn't want to have a baby, I wanted to adopt (i am an adoptee).  No pregnancy for me.  Well, frankly, for me it was just easier to have my own. I was fortunate. It wasn't necessarily a choice against adoption at all.  

I think it is great that your parents had both!

Answer 4

My husband and I have always talked about adopting our next child (I'm pregnant with #2 right now). However I work closely with the foster/adoption system as part of my job and it's a long and hard process. It's more expensive (money gets paid to the adoption agency), and people go through your house, interview you, your relatives, friends, etc.. and even get really personal with you about your marriage, finances, etc... We have decided to not adopt now, and just go ahead and conceive our 3rd child naturally, assuming we'll be able to again. This is because of the experience our friends have had to go through.

Answer 5

Yes I feel the same way you do about this.   It feels like adoptees are second or last choice.

I know people will jump in and say 'it's not the last resort in every case' which is true but every time I hear 'we couldn't have a baby of our own so we chose adoption instead' it puts adoptees into a second-best status

Answer 6

I'm not an adoptee, but I do agree with you. It seem so "at a whim" "Oh I don't know if I want a kid enough to go through pain."  I don't know if that person is up to being a parent at all. Not even sure if it were a real question looking fo real answers. It happens though.

Answer 7

yes, it does

Answer 8

Ok think of it this way. Your a 5 week old baby, and your in care. Mr and Mrs adoptive come along and decide they want to adopt you, as they cant have kids of their own. (nothing imoral about that). If it were possible for someone to tell you what your life was going to be like if left in care, and struggleing, not having a mother and father etc.

What would you prefer?

Why is it selfish to adopt as a 2nd or 3rd choice? Obviously that is going to be the case. What is the matter with you lot!!!!!??????

I'm sorry this is going to offend but............I am glad i was adopted, weather i was  2nd or 3rd choice.

Who knows where I would have ended up if I wasnt adopted????

Be thankfull that you were not put into the hands of an abusive pervert!!!

Are you lot going to resent your parents just because they decided to adopt you? Very nice. Way to chuck it back in someones face.

Answer 9

I see being able to conceive naturally as a gift & I would feel guilty adopting a child when I am perfectly capable of having children biologically.

I don't see adopting as a "last resort", I just feel I should leave adoption for those couples who are desperate for children & cannot conceive.

I am adopted BTW.

Answer 10

My husband and I cannot naturally conceive children and are thinking of adopting. I can understand your side, but at the same token, those of us who do adopt because we cannot conceive see it as one of the greatest gifts. Adopting is such a long and difficult process, and the hardships don't stop once you have the child in your arms. I think adopting is actually harder than having your own child. I believe adoptive parents truly have their whole heart in it! I hope you can see my side of the wall as well :)

Answer 11

No, it doesn't bother me.  They wanted a child, and even if they had had a biological one first, it still wouldn't be as if they were hand-picking him.  I'm okay with knowing that for probably the majority of women they want to know the experience of pregnancy, childbirth.  It's not as if they didn't want me, specifically.  That would hurt my feelings.  Now, that's not to say I don't have my fair share of issues.

What does bother me, though, is the whole "you're special, we picked you" stuff after trying like crazy to conceive and then finally choosing to adopt.  It didn't take long for me as a kid before I knew the logic in that one was flawed.  It's not like there was this room full of children and they decided to go with the 2 year old instead of one of the infants.  But, I imagine they were told that it was a good thing to say, so they did.  Actually, they used to tell me they picked me out of an orphanage.  I don't know where that came from.  I was actually in a foster home.

Anyway, my adoptive mom had 4 miscarriages before deciding to adopt.  During the six month placement period before the adoption finalized, my mother got pregnant again.  She had my brother at about the same time, so it was interesting for my parents, at that.

I do see more people adopting even though they  have biological children now.

Answer 12

I think its at that point that couple/person realize that sure they wanted a biochild, however being a Childs parents is far more important then having a genetic connection  to the child. They decided that they want to be mommy and daddy, anyway they can even if it is not to a genetic child. There are people who if they cant have biochildren they don’t have any children at all and that is certainly their choice.

I have never found anything wrong with someone wanting a biological child(ren). I do think people are wrong to assume that adoption is always the 2nd choice or last resort. This may be the case with some couples but it is not always the case.

Answer 13

Yes it does bother me when I hear that. But somtimes I think that with many they just don't stop to think about adoption untill they are faced with not being able to have one of their own. Those that make that remark are only thinking about themselves and not about what is good for a child their own or otherwise. My parents also had a bio son befor they adopted me. They were my foster parents 1st now they are my mom and dad.