ADOPTIVE PARENTS- I need your view point!?

Question

I just reunited with my biological mother. She was great. When I told my adoptive mother, she was happy for me and completely understanding, but I know she is really worried that I will forget her and bond with my biological mother. Which would never happen in a MILLION years. I have reassured her until I was blue in the face, but it doesn't seem to help. Any suggestions?? Do I just need to give her time to adjust?

Answer 1

i would tell her my biological mother knew me for so long u knew her , i grew up loving you first, she didnt take care of me when i was sick,  when i needed a diaper change, and etc. (wut ever u can think of) and she may have given birth to u but shes ur second mother because ur adoptive mother was there first.

idk may be corney may help you im trying to be usefull i hope icould help

Answer 2

Can you ask her if she is worried about it?  Maybe she is just not wanting to burden you with her fears.  If so, talking to her about it and letting her know you are aware of her feelings may really help.  Good luck to you.

Answer 3

just keep reassuring her that she'll always be ur mum and no one can replace her or do the things she done for you. personally i don't think you should give her time to adjust shes most probably feeling like you said very worried and sad and if you give her time shes probably thinkin you did forget about her if anything you should smothers her with love every chance you get then she deffently knows you still love her and havnt forgot

Answer 4

just be sinsere dont give up on telling her u luv her my opion a parent is a person who luvs cares about u and has nothing but ur best intrest in mind

Answer 5

I am an adoptive mother of two girls.  As much as many adoptive parents would love to invite their children's birth mothers into the family, I think that, at first,  adoptive parents l may have quiet reservations, unsure in the realization that someone else would be vying for the love of their children.

Even though adoptive moms know that no one can take the place of the mother who raised you, they might worry about this in the back of their mind, until they feel secure with the relationship.

You seem like a very sensitive person who can understand the underlying motivations for your adoptive mom's reaction.It is simply that your mom loves you and is afraid of losing you, but you know that will never happen.

Yes, I agree with you, that over time, your adoptive mother will probably start to feel less threatened about the loss of your love, especially if you continue to show her and reassure her that she will never, ever stop being your MOM.  

You can share this idea with her: Love makes a heart

grow bigger, it doesn't divide that heart into smaller pieces.  When you love one person, say, for instance, your first child, they have your whole heart.  But when you love two people, like when your second baby comes along, your love isn't split into two smaller halves - your heart EXPANDS to encompass both.  You can love them both with your entire heart and soul.

Answer 6

I am an adoptee and I think maybe introducing them together so they can be friends

so that way like if and when u get married both can help and not feel left out

Answer 7

Just make sure that you don't forget her.  Once she sees that you have that bond with her, it should alleviate her worries.

Answer 8

I thiink the fact that you are writing this here says a lot. I don't know how old you are or when it is that you met your biological mother and those two things can make a difference. There's no question that time will certainly help your mom dea with the situation. She will see that you are still her child in every way and won't be afraid of losing you after it's clear that she is not losing you. There is a really worthwhile book called (I'm not sure of the exact title but) "Twenty Things Adopted Children Wish Their Parents Knew." It really emphasizes how the desire for the child to meet and know their family of birth has nothing to do with the relationship the child ahs with their adoptive family. If anything, it's in a secure and loving home that the child will feel more free to search for their original family. Your mother needs to be able to see that it will be good for you to bond with your birthmother and that this will lead to a healthier and happier relationship with you, not a less important one. You will have more love to give her, not less. You will feel closer to her, not less close. You are learning about who you are and where you came from and this is important to you. You have every right to have whatever kind of relationship you want and can have with your biological family, and will not not impact negatively on your relationships with the members of your adoptive family. Your family just needs to see that now that you are an adult (I assume) you can have both families as parts of your life and that's a very good thing. It's understandable that your mom feels threatened but, she will ease up on that as she learns more about how you are reacting.

Answer 9

I think giving her time to adjust is a good idea.  You've verbally reassured her all you can; just show her through your actions that she has nothing to worry about, and it'll be okay.

Answer 10

As an adoptive parent the feeling we have most for birth parents is gratitude.  Your mom will be fine.

Answer 11

I am a birthmother. I found my birthdaughter in 2001, she was 29. Things have been pretty good. She made the rules in the beginning of the relationship and I respect her wishes. She has a wonderful mother, but she keeps me separate from her. I am not her mother but I treasure the time I have with her, I feel we have a good friendship. She calls me by my first name and her kids do too, and I'm alright with that. Your mother knows you love her. Yes, give her time to adjust and don't talk much about your birthmother.

Answer 12

I think you are on the right path. Maybe for awhile keep your comments about your birth mother to a mum.... Your Adopted mom is feeling a small sense of failure possibly or not. I am sure if she is a great mom she needs a little bit of time to let it soak in. Every once in awhile send her a flower or a card reminding her how great she is. It will work out.

I Know I am an adoptive mom, married to a man who was adopted at birth too.

Answer 13

Time will do it but dont start calling your bio mother mum of inviting her to family dinners as she was just the capsule who brought you into this world not the one who worried about you and cared for you every day of your life.

Answer 14

Yep, just give her some time and show her that even though you've reconnected with your biological mother that you're not going to going to forget her or forsake her.  You can show her this by staying connected with her...spend time with her in person and/or on the phone.  Do little things for her to let her know that you still honor her for all the love and TLC she gave you as you were growing.

I am thinking that at some point in the not so near future when you've helped her feel secure in your relationship that she'll be excited to know that you have added another person to your life who will love & care for you.

Answer 15

while it didnt happen with me, it did with my sister.  My mom too was worried, until my sister stopped referring to her(bio mom) as Her Bio mom or Birth Mother or anything else with the term mom or mother in it.  Once she was just casual and used the lady's given name, it seemed like Mom just figured it out and accepted that she would always be Mom and not to worry.  Its natural you want to talk about it, but just be respectful of her pain too.  Sometimes Mom's need to be babied just a bit.

Dont try to be sneaky about anything.  Keep it open and honest.  Maybe the two can meet, make sure you are on your Mom's side so she will feel more like a team and not so insecure.  It will work out.  My sister's came to her graduation and her wedding and mom knows she visits and does the grandchildren thing now and she's not worried.

Best of luck, sheri

Answer 16

I expect my children to find their birth moms (& dads) if they want to.  I will even help them, but, my heart will have a sadness just because I love my kids so much.  I wouldn't want their birth parents to cause them any pain and that possibility will always exist.  So, I think that I would have such a variety of emotions that I, too, might feel 'blue'.  Reality is that my kids will always love me, no matter who they find and what type of connection they might make, and it is my responsibility to remember that.  Just give her time to deal with the many emotions and concerns she's dealing with, she'll be fine.

Answer 17

She may need time.  I know as much as I would not discourage my child from finding his biological parents some day, I do dread it.  I am so thankful to his bio parents for giving me the gift of a family, but there is that fear in my heart that my child will some day find them and wish he would have been raised by them rather than us.  I guess it's the typical parental fear of not being good enough.  

Perhaps taking your adoptive mom out for a day of just the two of you or perhaps sending her a thoughtful card - maybe that would help her to feel "loved" and not like she is losing you.

Answer 18

I was adopted when i was 4 but raised in the same home since i was 2. When i met my real parents my adoptive mother was worried about it and she didnt seem happy even though i know she was happy for me because i had always dreamed of it. It had been 2 years since i found my real parents and my adoptive mother now knows that she will always be my mother to me. She raised me. I tried reassuring her at first but i learned to just prove it to her that i love her as my mother. She knows that now after 2 years and i haven't stopped talking to her and visiting her. Im sure she will be just fine after she gets used to the fact that your real mother is back in your life.