AP's, Pap's, and adoptees have you any regrets about what you've said to a "birthmother"

Question

Have you learned anything that's helped?

Answer 1

I knew a couple of young girls who gave up their children years ago.  I was a really horrible person at one point in my life, and I said some awful things to them about their choices.  It's so crazy, I was raised to believe that adoption is a good thing, but yet when someone was giving their child up for adoption, my gut reaction was, "oh my god, how could you???"

I do regret that.  How DARE I act as though I know what I'm talking about???  I've been pregnant ONCE, and it ended in miscarriage.  I didn't even know I was pregnant until after the miscarriage.  I have NO CLUE what it feels like to be an expectant mother, and certainly not in a crisis pregnancy.

I still don't know entirely what TO say to expectant mothers or birth mothers, but I try a lot harder to put myself in their shoes and think about how it would feel to hear some of the things I've said.  I need to learn a lot more about this.  Thanks for being here, and for sticking around through the sometimes really harrowing days, to keep answering questions.

Answer 2

As a birthmother I can definitly say there have been some extremely horrifying remarks made to me. But on the flip side there have been a lot of really wonderful and understanding things said as well. I pray that all people will have the sense to soften their hearts when talking to someone who has been through such a terrible and traumatic thing.

My advice... when making comments to a birth mother ask yourself, would I say this to a woman who's child had died? For many of us, that's how we feel. Our children are still alive but a part of us has died and please remember not all of us made the 'choice' to place, some of us had the choice made for us. Thank you for your question I really appreciate it.

Answer 3

The only things I've said to a birthmother, or someone considering placing a child for adoption is to do all of your research, know all of your rights and options, then ask yourself if you're ready to be a parent.  

I don't tell anyone to place their child for adoption and I don't tell anyone to parent their child.

I'm pretty comfortable with those statements.  However, I have heard a lot from birthmothers/firstmoms that I didn't know before and feel I've learned quite a bit.

Answer 4

The only thing I regret is what I DIDN'T say to my first mom before loosing her 10 years ago!  

I wish I'd been more open with her. I wish I'd said "I love you" more often. I wish I'd called her "mom", instead of letting what was "PC" dictate what I 'should' call her (by her first name).

She raised me for 18 months. She didn't "give me up", but had me taken from her b/c she was poor & alone. I wish I'd understood that better.  

I wish I'd had more time with her.  But I'm grateful for the time I had. Some people don't get that chance at all.  And if she's still watching over me, she knows...

How much I love her. That my heart is hers. That I do call her "mom" all the time now. That when I'm asked for my mother's maiden name, I use hers...and most of all, that I'm grateful I had the chance to get to know her!

That I miss her....

Answer 5

nope i think that would be one of the hardest decisions in the world to have to make...the decision that you arent going to be a good parent to your child and must let someone else do that...i have tried to be respectful to birth moms..i wish i had had the opportunity to meet mine as an adult..but i do think sometimes what i think and feel as an adoptee is pushed aside as though in that persons perfect world their kid could never have any problems with their adoption..everyone reacts differently...

Answer 6

I don't think I've been rude to a bmom

I suppose I have POSSIBLY at times been dismissive of what they went through. Can't think of a specific example, but I suppose it's possible I said something that was dismissive of them.. but that would be unintentional, but yes, I regret if I've done that..

most of the "I'm pregnant—considering adoptoin" people that come on here I tell them to see if there's any way that they can make parenting work.. I almost always tell them to parent.. not bad for a "greedy, entitled, selfish, vulture, PAP" huh?"

On another note, though..I'll NEVER EVER EVER regret telling ANY pregnant woman to please NOT abort.. Sorry.. won't ever feel sorry for that.. or sorry if I thank them for choosing not to abort.. we're talking about HUMAN LIFE here.. I don't feel I need to be sorry for defending it..

Answer 7

Hi Red and Sassy,

Yep.  I'm so sorry for anything in the past that i might have said to offend any First Mother.

I don't use birth mother anymore.  I really try not to say "our" first mother.  You know the typical stuff that the adoption agency spoon fed us.

What has helped me is to know how much you will love your children forever.  How important it is to honor an open adoption.  I still believe it should be legally enforceable.

The deceit involved in adoption towards first parents is deplorable.  You are my motivation in trying to reform adoption.  You have my utmost respect.  Thank you for being patient with me as i grow and learn.  Still learning..

As i have stated before, i will always stand up for adoptees and first mothers on y!a and IRL.

:)

ETA:  You meaning all first parents.  Note to self do not take lunesta then type!

Answer 8

My bmom refused contact when I searched for her.  I placed my hope that she forgive herself someday in good hands...I hope she has heard that.

Any bmom that I have spoken to, if memory serves correctly, I have encouraged them to think carefully before making a decision...pointing out that this is a decision with long-term ramifications.

Answer 9

No and Yes. :-)

Answer 10

To their faces?  No, but as a foster parent taking care of children who were beaten by their mother, all kinds of things to my husband, but this is key:  NEVER to the child.  It doesn't matter what a mother has done to their child, you never ever say bad things about her to the child.

But venting to my husband, I have said some choice words, and don't regret them.

To someone relinquishing her child, well I don't know anyone like that, it does not happen frequently here in Canada.

Answer 11

I was adopted at 13 when I was 26 I told my birth mother off and it felt good.   she is a egg Donner to me.  but everyone is different

Answer 12

No

Answer 13

No. My sister got pregnant as a teen & was considering adoption so I sort of understand what they are going or have been through. I think I may have used a term before that I didn't know was offensive, but I can't really recall for sure.

Answer 14

My only regret with my interactions with my daughter's first/natural/original/birth/biological mother is that I was unable to convince her to continue contact after the 1 year agreement was complete. I wish I had been more convincing somehow especially as the years pass and I realize more and more how important it is to my daughter.

Answer 15

When I was three years of age I was taken to be put into an orphanage, and later my grandparents from my dad's side had adopted me, and one of my sisters. I first resented that my grandparents, then later learned to appreciate them. Later I met my parents, and now I have my dad living with me. Since I've know my dad, everyday I regret how despondent I am to him. I love him and forgive him, but is not would it could be.