AP's..Closed adoptions and natural extended family?

Question

Hi everyone,

We are adopting through foster care. Our achild's mom's rights were terminated. Our achild has a half brother and extended family on that child's side who would like to 'know' our child, and we agree. That child has been adopted by his paternal grandmother. Mom is currently in prison. The state has prohibited our child from being in an open adoption, due to mom's history with both children. If we keep the boys in touch and have them visit one another on holidays/special occasions, it is possible mom will show up. She is not a bad person, she just made some very bad decisions. I am hoping, as is she, that this time in prision will give her a chance to really get the help she needs. I do not fear her in any way currently, but I also read my child's medical and case history, and there is no way I would want that person near him...but she isn't 'that person' at all--currently. The other family will not allow her to visit their house without certain conditions being met each time she comes. We were not allowed to tell his mom anything about our names, location, work, background, etc. But would we want to tell any of that to the other family and risk it getting back to the mom? Like, how can the children get to know each other if we have to lie/omit to the entire family about who we are and where we live, so that nothing gets back to the mother? Even if we visit when we know mom won't be there, we still want to be open with the other child and honest on most levels....and that family talks weekly with the first mom. With our last name, it would be simple to find out where we live. We could care less...unless mom doesn't stick to her plan of getting her life back in order....and--so far--there hasn't been a huge track record of success on that front. I don't think she will 'steal' him or anything like that. We will visit with the other family--we will not keep him from his brother--but should we try to safeguard our info? Should we somehow omit basics about our lives? I just don't know the 'right' thing to do in this situation. Thanks for your help!

Answer 1

I understand wanting to give your child the opportunity to get to know his bfamily.  But, you also said she doesn't have a good track record of remaining the person she is today.  The child's safety would trump all else, and if I could only say 'I don't THINK she would steal him or anything like that', it would not be good enough assurance for me.

The other posters gave good advice about PO boxes, meeting in public, etc, but, I would NOT give out any information that would make it easy for them to find you, just in case.

Answer 2

There should be post-adoption services through the county you adopted through. Ask to connect with them, and ask for their guidance in making this work. If they are reticent, ask the worker to research the increasing trend to openness and maintaining family connections. This is the main policy in many states now, maintaining contact with siblings, and figuring out the safest way to do so. There are many programs your county can look into if this would be a new policy for them.

If your county is unable or unwilling to assist, you can locate a private post-adoption therapist or even a private agency that contracts placement of children from foster care and ask if they can mediate this process. Someone in your state, and likely your nearest major city has done this, I guarantee you, you need to connect with someone like that.

If social services through your county is unable or unwilling to help, ultimately, they can't prevent you from developing this relationship. You can explain to the relatives involved the agreement you made for the adoption, and ask their help in honoring your concerns. If you are there and the birthmom shows up, take your child and leave, and make plans to visit another time. The state can't hold you responsible for the actions of others, as long as you have made your concerns and position clear to birthmom's family.

Answer 3

maybe meet at public places so the kids can have fun together and maybe exchange email addresses.  But i'm not sure about the legal standpoint

Answer 4

I guess until she shows that she can be trusted - you will have to safeguard a lot of vital info.

Email addresses could be a good one - make sure their is no identifying info in the address.

Maybe also a PO box address could be good perhaps.

Mobile phones are good also - as long as it can't be traced back to your address.

And meeting in parks etc - great advice from the poster above me. Keep things neutral.

You have to look after your families safety first and foremost.

Keep things at arms length - if you know what I mean.

Take things one step at a time - and see how you go.

Good luck!!

Answer 5

((TB)) What a difficult situation. You want to do the right thing, but it so hard to truly know what that would be.

We are in somewhat of the same boat so I can completely understand and empathize. While my new son (from foster care) has a maternal grandmother who would love to be a part of his life, unfortunately her decisions and gross inaction when it came to protecting my child from his parents (they all lived with her) makes any kind of relationship impossible as she still defends them and they live with her and yes, they would "steal" him in a New York minute.

I see your situation is a little different, but ultimately it is about keeping your child safe, so here are my suggestions:

1. DO NOT reveal your last name.

2. DO NOT reveal where you live.

I am hoping that with everything your child has been through and the fact that the grandma is raising the other child, I am sure they understand your concerns and will hopefully respect them. And if they don't, well, I'm sorry, but your child's safety is paramount. Now, how the older brother will feel about that, that is hard to say as kids don't really understand that their are deeper issues. As your son gets older, it will also be next to impossible to keep these basics (name, address) from anyone as kids love to talk. But hopefully mom would have gotten her life together where hopefully "secrecy" will no longer be necessary.