AP's: Do you feel an strong sense?

Question

of responsibility to make sure that every decision you make is the right one? I know all parents feel this, but I think I feel like since this is also another mom's child, I may have to answer to her one day. And that when I do, I want to be proud of the decisions I have made and know that I have doen the best that I can do. I guess the best analogy for how I feel (alhtough I do not think of a bmom as God), is when people choose to follow a religion and do what is right because they want to face their maker in the best way possible, I want to be able to approach Em's bmom in the same way...she chose adoption over abortion (and parenting was NOT an option for her) and I want to her to feel as though she made a good decision in choosing another parent for her daughter.

However, I don't want to be so focused on this, that Em feels as though she has to be absolutely perfect. Can anyone relate? Any constrcutve advice?

Answer 1

Furfur,

I agree with you whole heartedly except for the adoption over abortion part.  It feels like a huge responsibility.  I try to remember when i make a mistake that we are aren't perfect.  In fact, i try to admit my mistakes to my children and apologize.  Sometimes we laugh over them.  I was driving myself crazy trying to be the perfect mother and the truth is i'm soooo not perfect.  I have to embrace myself and who i am. So instead of being a worry wart, I can focus on being a strong confident woman for my children to look up to.  

In the back of my mind it is always there, "will her First Mother approve of this?"  i just try to hush up that thought and carry on being the best mother i can be.  

Because of this strong sense of responsibility, I am astounded over abusive adoptive moms. How could you face your first mother knowing you harmed her child?  Obviously i know it happens but i just can't wrap my brain around it.  Good Luck to you.

Answer 2

After "hearing" from many adoptees and first moms in this forum I would say that one of the most important things would be to honor any agreement between adoptive parents and first mom. Such as keeping the lines of communication open, photos, contact, visitation and the truth about their origins.

I am not a first mom.....if I could place myself in her position I would want to feel like I was not being lied too to "get my child".....I would want to know that I placed my child with people who valued me as the mother of their child. Honor me....honor my child.

That said I am unsure there is anything adoptive parents could do that would 100% aallay my fears that I made the wrong choice.....you would always wonder for the rest of your life.

Answer 3

One thing that I have always struggled with personally is I have always felt a stewardship to my children. I feel as though their lives were placed in my care for me to protect them from harm, pain and sadness. When a person hands you a baby that she has just come from delivering out of her body, that stewardship is magnified. Not only are you responsible to the child that you are given, but you feel as though this woman is counting on you to make a perfect life for this baby.

Ok, I know that is impossible, and unless you've been there, it seems irrational. But it is real to me and whenever my daughter struggles with normal life stuff, a part of me hurts a little bit more, as if I had failed somewhere. Seems kind of silly in black and white, but this is a feeling that I have talked about with other adoptive moms, and it is all there somewhere in there.

By realizing that the best we can do is good enough, then we are giving our children the gift of seeing that Mom isn't perfect and that is ok too, and we don't expect them to be perfect either.

Good luck!  I hope that makes some sort of sense . . .

Answer 4

I would advise you to not let your child's adoption allow you to get down about yourself. It's good to feel like you have a responsibility to be an awesome parent because somebody trusted you with their child, but it should never make you feel like less of a person.

I try to look at it a different way. When my son crawled for the first time, or when he hardly ever get's sick, I think about how happy his first mom would be. I think she would be happy that he is meeting all his milestones and that he's a very healthy and happy baby.

If there is an issue like he is sick or something like that, I don't automatically think that I'm letting his first mom down. It seems stupid to do that to oneself since all children get sick and all children have struggles.

My son's first mom was concerned about him not crawling at one point. I didn't let that get me down because I knew I was doing everything I could to put him in a position to learn to crawl. Eventually, he did crawl, and she saw first hand that I was a good mom and that he was being well taken care of.

There's no need to get down on yourself if your being the best mom you can be. I really believe in having self confidence and teaching that to my children.

Like I said, every time your child smiles, or every time he just does anything wonderful, use that as an opportunity to tell yourself how proud your first mom would be to know your doing such a good job with your child. Don't ever allow yourself to feel depressed or not good enough.

Answer 5

I have felt this kind of feeling for all of my children and not because of answering to anyone else other then to them....

I want to parent my children in a way they can say was right and that I made the best decisions I could for each one of them.

If my children feel that way then it doesn't really matter how anyone else judges me.

Answer 6

Just relax a bit. your heart is in the right place; you do the best you can, everything is going to be alright. If you makes mistakes, you are not alone. We all makes mistakes,  it's important that you do your best, but that is all you can do.

Answer 7

I guess my view on it is a little different because the child(ren) we adopt will not have been relinquished by choice (we're adopting through foster care - most of the waiting kids in foster care were removed from their first family's care against the parents' will).  So, I don't feel like I'll ever have to answer to the biological family, although that does give me food for thought.  However, I do feel that I will have to answer to the state, counselors/therapists, and other professionals that we will most likely be working with for the benefit of our child.  I don't think our kids will ever be pressured to be perfect (blessed are the cracked, for they shall let in the light!), but I sometimes feel a lot of pressure to be perfect.  I put most of that pressure on myself, but that's partly because I know what it's like to NOT be accepted for who I am, to NOT be loved unconditionally, and to be expected to be the "perfect" child for my parents.  My view of perfection (for myself) is absolute and utter IMPERFECTION of those around me, and me still smiling!  But that can be kind of hard when you've had a bad day and are frustrated.  I tend to get pissy, just like the next guy.  I just hope I don't ever shame my kids like my mom did, or laugh at them, or harm them emotionally.  But again, I wouldn't be answering to the bio mom, I'd be answering to my kids' counselor.  That is something I ought to think about, though, considering most bio moms will eventually get their lives in order, and once they get back in contact with their child, they will probably have questions about how they were raised.

Thanks for bring this up.  Food for thought.

ETA:  I'd like to invite anyone who gave thumbs down to email me explaining why.  I'm here to learn.

Answer 8

I do think so. When my son was a few months old, he had been sent home form the ER. THey said it was his asthma and just to watch him. At 6am The mucus had otten so think, that it block his airway completely, I couldn't use the suction machine, because it was SOOOO think. I heard him grunting and he started turning color. I call 911 while I continued to suction. I was so scared. All I kept thinking was "She trusted me with her baby's life and I failed her, How could I have let this happen?."

I turned out that he had the Flu and probably got it from the hospital when he was there for his RSV vaccination. But I can say truely, that I felt like I had ler her down. I let him get sick. My daughter (bio) has had the flu and it was a totally different type of convitcion.

It's the same when they get hurt. They've never had anything more than a bruise or scratch, but it is different. A few months ago, my son was in obvious horrible pain. I knew what it was and took him to the ER where they discounted what I told them and sent us on our way. Over a week period we went to 6 appointments and another ER trip. Finaly at the last visit with a GOOD doc they discovered the problem and I was right the whole time. They did surgery and found a tumor. Again I felt like a t**d, like I should have pushed harder, if not just for him, but because of my commitment to his family.

I just want then to know that I'll be his advocate to the end of the Earth. I'll fight for him and never deny him.