AP's - Does your child have a "fantasy" about who their first mom is?

Question

My daughter is 3 and she has recently decided that her "mama" is a fairy princess with magical powers who lives in a castle that's protected by a dragon. I think she got that from a Barbie movie. Anyway, she insists this is a fact. I'm looking forward to when she gets a little bit older and we can have some great, though I am sure emotional, discussions about her mama, but for now the fantasy seems to be comforting to her.

For first parents in reunion, did your children share with you if they ever had fantasies about who you were or what you looked like?

And the same question for adoptees.

Answer 1

Until I knew what my birth family and mother looked like I would fantasise about meeting her. I would see women on the street and think "is she her"..."she could be my mum" at the bus stop, mall, even teachers. It was so hard. Almost every day I would be searching the streets for women who I thought looked like my mum. I Have a tiny photo of my dad and he has a tattoo on his hand, and i think if I see a guy with a tattoo on his hand "is that him." "omg that could be my dad" etc etc it's so frustrating and difficult.

Answer 2

If children are allowed to know - in person - their mother and bio family - they don't need to make up fantasies.

Adoptees that don't know their truth - make up things - because it's all they've got to go on.

Me - I constantly daydreamed - from worst case scenario - to absolute best.

I also had nightmares for years and years that I'd been kidnapped - and was waiting to be rescued.

And I had a very loving a-family - but I wasn't allowed to speak about the subject of my adoption.

and BPD - adoptees will rarely talk about their own adoption - if - as parents - you haven't made it open conversation from day 1.

They will feel it's an off-limits subject - and just won't go there.

They're too scared that they'll upset YOU - so won't talk about it.

What's best - is for you to lead the conversation.

You possibly find it uncomfortable to do so - but you need to get over that - or he'll never be able to open up about this stuff.

My a-mum got a pained looked on her face when I asked questions - so I shut up.

It's not just the words parents speak - it's the whole attitude to the subject.

The truth doesn't need to be brutal - but it needs to be truthful - and your personal opinion shouldn't come into it.

For instance - you would just say - that his mother and father just weren't capable/able/well enough to look after him like he should be looked after - so you stepped in to see that he's looked after the best way possible.

Or something along those lines.

Allow conversation - allow questions - talk openly.

The adoptees that are allowed to talk openly - are far more stable in later life.

Answer 3

No fantasies here. Their still little and we keep in contact with her.

Fantasies are normal for all small children. Normal advice would be to let her tell you her stories and never tell her they are lies. Tell her the things you do know about her mom so she can have some reality to add to her fantasies.

Answer 4

I suppose it would be normal for a child, or even an adult to do this.  But, as an adoptive parent, I will never encourage it, because I would think it would have a negative impact in reunion, if that ever happens.

Answer 5

My 5 year old boy blows it off everytime the subject gets  brought it up.  We try to be open about it and keep the conversation as normal as what's for dinner, but he's just not interested.  He'll have to face it one day.  Children all deal differently.

I seriously doubt your 3 year old fully understands what you're saying.  I believe using fantasy is actually a very healthy way for your daughter to process the information.

Answer 6

Ironically, my son (age 5) has never asked about his original parents.  He knows that he lived with his biological grandparents before us and that we adopted him.  He has never questioned us about his original parents, and because of the abusive/neglectful situation he came from with them, we have not approached the subject.  We (along with the biological grandparents) feel that when he brings up the subject, then that will be the time to discuss it.  We have a wonderfully open relationship with his grandparents and he sees them on a regular basis so perhaps that is why he has never asked.  I'm not sure.

HOWEVER, he does talk a LOT about being in Heaven before he was born.  It sometimes sends chills down my spine.  While I am religious and collect angels, we do not attend church regularly.  We say our prayers and talk about God, but rarely if ever, do we talk about the Mother Mary.  Yet he comes out with these comments about Mary and how she kept him safe while he was in Heaven and told him that he was going to get good parents and that is why she chose us.  I often wonder if these are his "fantasies" regarding adoption or just an over-active imagination of a 5 yr old - or perhaps he knows something that none of us do.  : )

Answer 7

My daughter has no fantasies. She is able to hug the real life person who is her nmom. I am so thankful for that.

Answer 8

Does she know about her first mother? I know little kids are big on fantasy, but I would hope you would be able to give her the facts about her first mother, that way she doesn't have to invent something that isn't true.  I know it's hard with adoption, maybe you dont have many facts about her first mother, but it seems like it would be best from a young age to let her know all the true stuff about her first mother and adoption that way she doesn't have to make up fairytales!  (I am not trying to sound negative so I hope it doesnt read that way!)

Answer 9

Heya :)

My son is 5 years old and has been with me since he was 3 years old. We also adopted his sister who is now 3.

My son has fantasies that he does not always talk about. They seem to come up at odd times. Like one time he announced to everyone that his birth mother was dead. This is not true. Next he thought that my husband killed his birth father. I read that between the ages of 3 and 7 adopted children often start making up stories about the whats and whys of what has happened to them. It is the fantastical thinking stage.

Answer 10

This is coming from a different view, but I can share how I felt.

When I was 7 or so I lost a sister to adoption. One day she was there and then she wasn't. All I knew is it make my dad cry, so I didn't want to talk about it. Her mother claimed she didn't know where my dad was and was able to get her new husband to adopt her.

When I move near her (was 3,000 miles away and moved 10 miles away) I would always Lock at girls her age and think "could that be her" or imagined that she must have a glamorous life. I occasionally called her mom, but didn't get to talk to her until about a year ago. She was 20 and I was 26. I learned that her life was so rough that she filled her life with school. She was top of her class. Overall what you would consider successful on paper. But I think she was broken.

Anyway, I'm getting off subject.

I would try to imagine anything I could. I wondered if she remembered me or thought about me.

We've lost contact, and I hope she is doing well. There will always be a something missing from me.

Answer 11

My adopted child is 6 and yes does have fantasies about birth family, and is in total denial about the abuse suffered.

Fantasies are normal in all children, and possibly more likely to occur in adopted children.