AP's & PAP's - Does anything you've learned here make you regret some things you've said to adoptees?

Question

After reading some of the answers to this same question addressed to ADOPTEES, I seriously doubt it. It seems it's OK for AP's & PAP's to say cruel, hateful, mean things to adoptees. But I wonder. Do you ever regret the cruel, mean, horrible, judgmental, harsh things YOU say to adoptees?

After all, adoptees are horrible for wanting to reform adoption, for believing adoption should be focused on the child's needs, rather than adult's needs.

I wasn't an angry adoptee until I landed her and read so many of the AP & PAP's posts. How can you justify your own cruelty to adoptees?

Answer 1

Nope, I don't feel I've said anything I need to apologize for.

I make a point of watching what I say and avoiding those questions that are intentionally baiting people.

Answer 2

I actually don't think so.  I don't think I have ever been cruel to an adoptee, I think I have disagreed with some opinions, but that is what this forum is for, is for discussion.  I believe some people take their opinions too far on all sides of the triads where they are beign insulting, but I guess I don't think I have said anythign radical or marginal to feel bad about.

Answer 3

When I first got here, I felt attacked.  Personally attacked.

MY perception of adoptees comments toward ME:  My adoption experience was bad.  I have anger toward adoption and/or my adoptive parents.  You are an adoptive parent AND one of those evil international adoptive parents to boot, therefore, you are fair game.  So, endure my personal attacks about your adoption choice but remember, I'm trying to reform adoption and educate you. So, if you react to my attacks, then you are being cruel and insenstive to my pain.  Just accept that you are a wicked and vile person and deal with it.  

After being here for a few months, I've come to realize that most of these posters are angry at the adoption process, not necessarily me personally.  I'm just a convenient target.  

I regret taking the bait, on more than one occasion, and hitting back.  There's been some very pointed and negative questions.  Like posting a link to a terrible adoption situation and the question being "If Adoption is so great, how do you adoptive parents justify this?"  Or "What do adoptive parents think about ripping a family apart."  Or other similar questions.  The point of the question, of course, is not to educate or to reform adoption, but to put the adoptive parents on the defensive and attack them.  Instead of ignoring the question, I took the bait.  I regret that.  

There's been a few times where I've responded with some sarcasm.  I recall one question asking if Y Answers should be considered valid data for a research paper and the general response was by the rules of statistics and research guidelines that an anonymous internet forum would not be considered valid data or a representative sample.  Immediately afterward, an adoptee posted a question essentially saying that since the adoptees on this forum don't "represent adoption" are their words being considered valid?  My response was something along the lines of "Please tell me this isn't because someone said that the internet and this forum isn't statistically valid for the purposes of a research paper."  Naturally, I was called insensitive.  But I probably just should have let it go.  

Occasionally,I've let myself be baited into arguments that I regret.  I think that's happened once or twice.

So, to sum up, I regret not letting things drop or allowing myself to be baited into an argument.

Answer 4

Psh!  YEAH!!!  Some of the dumb@$$ things I've said in my life, I CRINGE when I think back on that stuff!  I was raised with the "adoption is better than abortion" line (even though no one in my family has ever had anything to do with adoption, that I am aware of...so why did they feel they have the right to have an (uninformed) opinion?  Dunno, you'd have to ask them).  I have said some horrific things, or at least thought them.  Oh yeah, I have learned a LOT since I started reading this board.  I am eternally grateful for you and the other adoptees here.  I can't imagine the pain I could have caused had I not found you.  I apologize for every uninformed thought I've ever had!  I hope that doesn't sound sarcastic, it's not.  I spent a good majority of my life uninformed, and while I did a whole lot of research before I came here, I have learned 100 times more from reading these posts on here, and the blogs and other things adoptees suggest reading.

Answer 5

Well, if I have said anything that seemed dismissive of their pain, experience, etc, yes I do regret it.. It certainly was not intended to be dismissive or rude, but when I first came here there were alot of things about adoption that I didn't understand, so I absolutely said some things that were taken as dismissive. I do regret that..

If I have "gotten into it" with some specific adoptees here because I felt THEY were being incredibly rude to APs and PAps (which seems to be acceptable here) I don't regret calling them out and telling them they weren't doing anybody any good by insulting others. ("Vultures" comes to mind)

I don't believe I've ever been nasty to anyone simply for being an adoptee, even one who is unhappy with adoption.. If I've been snippy, it was because I felt they were being harsh, nasty, or insulting to Paps and APs

I regret being snippy with Gershom when she was discussing  terminology, and I said worrying about it was nit picky.. That was dismissive of me, and ill-informed of me.. the ONLY reason I was snippy was, based on my experience with Gershom, I believed the REAL intent of the question was to put down PAPs and APs and to generalize them all as callosed to bmothers and adoptees..  But thanks to other RESPECTFUL adoptees (not her)  I came to realize that worrying about terminology was NOT "nit-picky" So I was unintentionally a bit dismissive there.  

I do not see it as "rude" or "insulting" to call out someone else for being insulting and calling Paps/APs greedy, entitled, or "vultures"  I never regret calling for everyone to be kind and tolerant and open-minded to the possibility that not everyone feels the same about adoption..  I don't believe it is "insulting" or "rude" to say (even by name) that specific adoptees here seem to use every chance they can to completely bash PAPs and APs and potray them as the root of all evil..

But If I have bee dismissive or an adoptees pain, experience, etc, I do regret it.. If I've said anything about adoption (out of lack of understanding about adoption) that has been hurtful to an adoptee, it was also unintentional and I regret it..

EDIT: how was ANYTHING here disrespectful?? Please explain it to me!! Disrepsectful because I said I don't think I have to allow certian people to bash me and other PAps?? Gershom, the only thing I said about you is that I was wrong to  jump to conclusions about why you were "nit-picking" about adoption terms..  I'm sorry but the FACT of how you have personally treated me is why I assumed (wrongly, I now know) that those questions were designed to slam PAPs.. the FACT is that you weren't especially courteous to me during that exchange, but other contributors did explain respectfully and courteously why it was not "nit-picking" and thus I was enlightened..  

It appears that the only thing you consider respectful is for me (or anyone) to just allow you to slam us and never say anything about it...

Answer 6

I have learned things by intereacting with several different groups on different websites....  I do sometimes regret something I write--or the way I write it....  Often, I find it is the tone that if misunderstood rather then what I am actually trying to say.

I always regret when I hurt someone's feelings... Sometimes I regret that my oppinion hurts someone's feelings... I do often change how I say things--and I have often changed my position when I have looked at something and considered all the input....

Sometimes I take issue with a "certain" kind of emotional stance but, I do that with a lot of other issues in the same way... It isn't really about adoption--but with some emotional things I have my own approach and like anyone else I deal with things my own way....

I was a big part of the citizens initiative in Oregon to open up the Original Birth Cirtificates... My ex-husband (14 yrs) and the father of my biological kids was adopted.

When we adopted our children and since it has been completely about them... We didn't adopt for ourselves--and I sure didn't need to start all over--but, we wanted to change the lives of our children...and give them whatever it takes to make the best life they can find.....

Answer 7

I have said some pretty nasty things in retort to people who have attacked me.  I have often regretted lowering myself to that level or allowing myself to be "baited".  One thing though that I try to do when possible is to email the person to apologize personally if I misunderstood the comment or try to explain things in more detail if I have offended someone without trying.  Do I regret defending my son and my family when attacked?  No.  Any good parent - adoptive or biological - would defend their child when backed into a corner (I would hope).  Many times some of the attacks that are flung here make me feel as though I need to be defensive for my son's sake.  I do not regret getting defensive in those situations.   I want to hope that this doesn't happen often for me in my q&a but I know that it has happened on occasion in the past.

I have learned a great deal from some very special people here on Y!A who just happen to be adoptees.  : )  I hope that much of the information they have shared will help me to be a better parent to my son as he grows older.

Answer 8

I hope I haven't said any thing cruel to anyone.

Let me know if I did so I can modify my behavior.

Answer 9

to answer your question, I'm an adoptee, I even regret some things I've said to some other adoptees here. YES. For the most part, i stick with my people and try to help them out as much as possible, overall, i think I achieve that! And I leave with no regrets.

Another disrespectful post from Shelly. Doesn't surprise me in the least. Maybe you should go read your first book on adoption so that you can actually have SOME experience with it instead of answering questions on a forum all day in a situation you're not even a part of, take a class, do some research, something?

Answer 10

Oh yeah I've regretted saying a few things here & there out of anger, but it goes both ways. It seems there is no middle ground here so many people say things that are mean, cruel or hurtful. Many of those cruel, mean, horrible, judgmental, harsh things are directed at APs & PAPs as well. Everyone here is a victim & there seems to be no end to it.

Edit: Very well said Jennifer L!

Another edit: After going back to a previous question, I read  your answer to another question which quoted me. "I don't care if my child ends up hating adoption like many adoptees here do." I meant that I expect it to happen & I won't tell them that they shouldn't hate it. "I don't care" means that I won't MIND. My answers are not directed at adoptees as a whole, but to a specific few that constantly bash people here. You are not one of them! :)

Answer 11

Hi Robin,

Um, Yeah.   I can't even go back and look at the earliest things i said.  I turn red just thinking about it.  I'm really sorry for anything i might have said that caused pain or hurt an adoptee.

I thank you all for putting up with me as i learn.  I appreciate the time and effort you take in explaining things to me so i get it.  Still learning.

I saw the post you were talking about, i did plan on not answering until i read some answers.  Then i was forced to answer.  As always i will stand up for adoptees and first mothers on Y!A and IRL.

:)