AP have any of your adopted kids said this "YOu're not my real mom" or family and what did you do?

Question

Everyone good-great answers. My son is only four but I keep thinking that someday this might happen and I want to educate myself on the "right" thing to do if there is such a thing. Thanks everyone

Answer 1

I may not be your birth mother, but I am your mom and I am VERY REAL.

Answer 2

I was not adopted, but my youngest sister was. And yes, I heard that growing up many times from my sister: "You're not my real mom!" or "Your not my real dad!" or "Your not my real sister!" or "Your not my real brother!". What we would do is say "We aren't your birth_____but we are your real_____and we love you more then life itself. And if you think for one minute you aren't a part of our family, your wrong, because you have been for the past____years and we love you!".

It is tough on a child when they are adopted. I adopted my niece recently and she's only 4, but I know when we ge to those teen years she'll be yelling "You're not my mom!" and I'll know what to say then.

Good luck and god bless!

Answer 3

My daughter is only 2, so I haven't gotten this, yet.  Usually kids do this as a power play if they sense it is a point of insecurity and will upset you.  Be confident enough in your role as parent and don't react emotionally.  So, say for instance, you tell your 11 year old she can't go over to her friend's house until she makes her bed.  She argues, tells you how horrible you are, and tells you you aren't her real mom.  I think the right thing to say is.  "This isn't an adoption issue.  Right now we are talking about you making your bed.  If you would like to talk about adoption later, I'd be happy to.  Right now, if you would like to go to Sally's house, you must make your bed."  Then, later, make sure you DO bring up the topic of your child's other parents at another time.  This gives your child the message that you are open to discussing and care about her feelings about adoption, but it doesn't allow her to pull power plays based on your insecurity.

Answer 4

I never said it to my amother, but I thought it hundreds of times.

I also thought, thank God I'm not related to these people!

Answer 5

i've said that to my adoptive mom.

like we'll be arguing,

and she'll be like,

"but i'm your mother."

and then i'll be like,

"you're not your real mom."

so yeah...

Answer 6

My daughter is only 3 so I haven't been hit with that yes, but I fully expect it. I am not adopted, but when I was a kid and didn't get my way, I have screamed: "I hate YOU!" I'm sure it will hurt, but I will respond like my mom always did - with a smile and a "Well that's too bad because I LOVE you." It would eventually diffuse the situation. In my daughter's situation, I would probably do the same as Freckle Face: let her calm down and then ask if she wants to talk about her mama.

Answer 7

Hi Angela,

Yes my oldest daughter did say this out of anger.  My reply "I'm sorry you feel that way cause i AM your real mother."

Later that night when she calmed down we sat down and i asked her if she wanted to talk about her other mother.  We did and looked at photos.  I reminded her anytime she wanted to talk about her other mother she just had to ask.

***My reply was NOT to disqualify DD's other mother.  Months earlier she had asked if i would ever put her up for adoption.  I knew she needed reassurance that she was here to stay.  I find its a balancing act trying to reassure DD that there is nothing she could ever do that we would "send her away" and at the same time assuring DD that she has another mother who loves her very much who did choose adoption for her.  

I am raising a brilliant 10 year old girl (thanks to great genes) who asks the most difficult and thoughtful questions:P

Answer 8

Dear Angela,

When my brother (who was adopted) said it to my parents, their response was always simply to smile sweetly, "We love you anyway."  They did the same to my sister and myself (we were not adopted) when we said, "I hate you and I wish you had let me be adopted!" The response was always the same no matter who said what.

All of us kids felt like c**p for being mean when that was the response, and would mutter "I love you too" and go cool off until we were calm enough to talk about whatever the real issue was.

Now when MY kids say they "hate" me, I smile and say, "I love you anyway." They mutter "I love you too." and go cool off.

We talk afterwards about the issue, being angry and the best way to express it and saying hurtful things and how it feels but it always comes back to "I love you anyway...no matter what."

Answer 9

I used to do this to my parents and it was partly when I was upset and didn't get my way or because I was suppressing feelings about my adoption. Instead of saying "but we are your real parents" (this did NOT help and made me more upset) say "we realise your first parents are very special to you, but we are here to look after you and we are doing our best to be good parents." Talk to them about why they think this and explain to them that they are allowed to have two sets of parents. The reason why I said this was I was always upset they wouldn't ackowledge that I had other parents too, my birth parents. So try telling them that they have two sets of parents and each set loves them in different ways, the first because they gave birth to them and because they are their genetic child and your love because you are their guardians, parent them and give them the life that they have now.

Answer 10

yes  I have an adopted son.  Yes he said you are not my real mom.  What I said is he was chosen to be our son, that makes him special.  We love him more then any one else could.   I also said he makes mom and dad and he a real family.