AP vs. Adoptee loss--double standard?

Question

People here and everywhere say that each member of the 'triad' experiences loss and pain.

I have read hundreds of times that APs have lost 'the child they will never have' or 'the opportunity to have their own children'.

I get the impression that when APs or PAPs are infertile, it is either NOT supposed to be mentioned, or we're supposed to walk on eggshells, lest we upset them.

Conversely, it seems perfectly acceptable for these same people to not only refuse to acknowledge adoptee losses, but often mock them, as if adoptees are weak, whiners, or are inventing things to be 'angry' about.

It seems okay for infertile APs to grieve, and expect others to tread lightly about, let's be honest, someone who doesn't exist, yet adoptees are supposed to be unaffected by losing a family that actually exists.

So APs are 'loyal' to what could have been, but adoptees are disloyal to want to know family that's real?

There seems to be a double standard--anyone else notice this?

Answer 1

Some days I feel this very strongly. Others it seems ok to talk about it.

There are double standards everywhere when pregnancy and children are involved. I am told constantly, and not just here, to get over the loss of my son, the loss of my mother and the loss of two pregnancies. Other than my own adoption it is all seen as my choice so I am to be accepting of it and move on. Wouldn't it be nice if our brains were designed that way?

I would like to point out something that I found to be cruel and ignorant. When I was diagnosed with cervical cancer and in treatment my own fertility was pretty much done for, or so we all thought. I was not "allowed" to show grief. The reason? I am a natural mom. I was told it was for the best, since I had two children not living with me, that everything happens for a reason and I should be thankful I was able to carry two pregnancies. Now I also know a woman who was diagnosed with PCOS after having four children, she was coddled and fussed over. Poor thing, ohhh poor thing. Let it all out honey, cry on our shoulders, how awful to not be able to have any more babies...

WTF? So my loss was less than hers because I had two children who were not living with me? My kids weren't with me due to circumstances beyond my control, if I had been given half a chance they never would have been out of my sight let alone my home. But my loss means nothing, I am simply a breeder who couldn't take care of her own.

When I got pregnant with Payton, at twenty freaking eight, once again adoption was said to be my only choice. Apparently I am not allowed to grow and change like the rest of the world does as they mature and age. I am always to be seen as a child or a teen full of angst. Why is that exactly? I think it is because I am also adopted, adoptees are forever seen as children unable to make their own choices and lead their own lives. Forever in the shadow of their a-parents.

The only thing I can think of is that I will no longer bow down to anyone with fertility issues, sweetpea I've been there. I will no longer try to minimize my adoption anger and pain and I will no longer try to show loyalty to those who refused to show any to me when I was in need.

Answer 2

Yeah I've noticed it.

Some infertiles act like they have terminal cancer for crying out loud. I guess some people can't imagine a life without sprogs. Dunno. I can't imagine a life without coffee.

Answer 3

No sunny I dont notice this, but what I do notice is you having ago and going on about how people who cant have kids should just get on with it! I have actually seen you have said it a couple of times on here.

I think thats a terrible attitude to have toward people who cant have kids. Are you a mother? If so then you havnt experienced not being able to have kids then. How can you tell people to get over it? I cant imagine what it must feel like for a couple not being able to have children. I am a mother myself and wanted to have my kids. If i could not have kids of my own then I would have probably adopted, as I am very maturnal with kids full stop.

Its not a crime to want kids, weather it be kids of your own or adopted. The adopted child becomes a natural child to the adoptive parents. Blood isnt an issue and I will keep pointing that out.

Please stop with the s.h.i.t.t.y attitude that you have.

Oh and "family thats real" how do you define that? So i guess your trying to say that adoptive parents cant offer a real family then? I cant believe your even posting **** like this. My family is very real, my parents are my parents and no one on this earth can replace them!!

Answer 4

I think a lot of adoptive parents use whatever they have at hand to express the fear they feel at falling in love with a child and never have that child return their love because they are pining their little hearts away for the birth parents.  If they cannot conceive a child on their own, that fear is probably greater and since they've never lost a living breathing child before maybe they don't recognize it themselves.

I'm as fertile as a rabbit, but still adopted two children.  So I really don't know how sad those folks that can't conceive are.  I do know how sad my adopted children were at being removed from their parents.  They grieved and still do I imagine for a life that they could never have and for things to be different so that they could live with their birth parents.  The fact that their birth parents were abusive and negligent never changed the fact of how much these children loved them and missed them.  My brother adopted a child who was removed from his birth parents for abuse.  The birth mother's parents took him in.  His grandmother broke both of his legs when he was two years old.  Wonder where his Mom learned her abuse tactics from?  He was removed from their home and placed with my brother's family through their church as a temporary measure.  He lived with them until he was nine years old, maintaining contact with his birth family under supervision.  The courts finally released him to be adopted because after seven years his birth parents still refused to meet the court's orders for getting him back.  Seven years.  My brother and his wife adopted the child who is 11 now.  They still allow him to maintain contact with his birth family even though after each encounter the child is hurt and angry.  To this day that little boy grieves for the care and love of his birth parents and in this particular case they are unable to give him what he needs.

So, to downplay the loss my brother and his wife feel each time that little boy asks to see his birth parents knowing how they will treat him is not being realistic.  But they take on the grief and loss and anger and fear each and every time because they feel in the long run it is what is best for THEIR son.  They deal with the fallout from the birth parents visits because he needs them desparately after each and every visit.  And because they do understand the loss and confusion he is feeling.  They never want him to look back at his childhood and feel his birth parents weren't given a fair shake.  They want him to look back and feel that he had real parents that loved him enough to share him with the parents he loved.

Answer 5

I think a big part of why we (as a society) fail to acknowledge adoptees' loss is that adoptees are perceived as perpetual and everlasting children.  There seems to be an impression that because we were adopted as babies or small children, we do not remember, miss, feel, nor understand what has happened to us.  Nor are we ever allowed to, even when we reach maturity.  Others dismiss adoptees' loss away as if it were nothing, asking:  How can you miss what you've never had?  Maybe adoptees cannot, but we can certainly be jealous of the rights afforded to non-adoptees.

The others in the triad are old enough to speak for themselves; defend their opinions and rights; remember, feel and understand what has happened.  And therefore, it appears as if they are simply taken more seriously.  They make the decisions, sign the documents, and are always treated as adults.

Answer 6

Most adoptive parents are well aware of the loss to the child. Where do yo get off thinking they don't. Yes it is a loss to a person that can't conceive. Most will say that there is a loss to all parties involved. Bio losing a child, adoptive not being able to have a bio child, the child losing bio family. But on the other hand there are alot of people who adopt who can or do have bio's of their own. I haven't heard an adoptive parent say that the child's issues were unfounded. In fact there are alot of adoptive parents out there that fully support their children's quest to find info on their bio's. There are exceptions I am sure, but on the most part they are supportive. But we all know your mind was made up before you asked the question.

Answer 7

Honestly, as much as you rant and rave about people adopting only to "fill a void" or because they are hopelessly infertile, I really haven't noticed that in life.  I do know some people who turned to adoption after they found out they are infertile, but I can only really point to one instance in which the infertile couple adopted while they were still "mourning" the loss of fertility.  Strangely enough, in that couple the Dad was adopted himself.  

I haven't experienced infertility, so I suppose I don't fully understand the frustration of it.  However, it is interesting to note that I know of many situations where a couple becomes pregnant almost immediately after the adoption (or during it).  My parents were told that I was a fluke because my dad was infertile.  He had surgeries and was tested again and STILL told he was infertile.  I don't think my parents ever grieved the fertility as a "loss" exactly, but my mom wanted more than one kid, so they began thinking about adoption, and then "fell in love" with a set of brothers that were on an "adopt a child" TV news segment.  My parents started the classes, went through the homestudy, and we began the pre-placement visits with the boys.  That's when my mom found out she was pregnant.  If what they were really doing was "filling a void" they could have backed out of the adoption in a heartbeat, no papers were signed yet.  They didn't though, because they truly wanted to parent these boys.  

My best friend in elementary school also had a brother that was only 9 1/2 months older than she was.  Her parents had not had any success conceiving a child, so they decided to adopt.  They brought Kyle home from the hospital as a newborn, and had conceived themselves before a month went by.  Technically that meant that they found out they were pregnant before Kyle's adoption was final as well.  Yet they didn't back out of the adoption.  Instead, they were blessed with two kids instead of one.

If adoption was all about the grief and loss and preferance for a gene reproduction, then why would these families have kept their adopted kids?  These are only two examples, because they are the two that I know the best - the two that were closest to my heart.  The truth is, however, that while infertility may be the thing that leads a couple to first consider adoption (though, that is far from a universal truth), few use it as a salve for infertility.  Most adoptive parents I know do care immensly about the children they adopt.  They are sensetive to the child's feelings about their genetic histories.  The thing is, all these adoptive parents are REAL families - that's what leads them to care.  Most of the kids I grew up with who knew they were adopted went througha period of "want my REAL mom" - and I never knew any adoptive parents who didn't give the child all the information they had in those cases.  The thing is, none of my friends or aquaintances stayed in the "want my REAL mom" phase for all that long - they might phase in and out of it during times when they were angry with the adoptive parents - but all of them knew that they already had a REAL family.  Maybe it has something to do with the importance of extended family in the area I grow up in - so maybe my sample is biassed.  I mean, its easy for a kid to want to trade in the mom and dad that are having to punnish them at the moment.  It's harder to want to trade in all yoru brothers, sisters, aunts, uncles, cousins and grandparents - hard to want to make all those connections "unreal" because they aren't unreal, they are very VERY real.  An adopted child is not, and will never be, a band-aid.  I've never really met an adopted parent who thinks they are or will be.

Answer 8

I have noticed that and can I just say Tish's answer says it all, really hits the nail on the head - wow

Answer 9

Yes I notice this.  Everyone does feel loss. I think society still believes that children are born with a clean slate.  I know from my own experience that it is not the case. I remembered her for years afterward.  

I think these days most not all adoptive parents do want their children to grieve their loss.  I have skimmed through the NCFA's factbook three.  They want to keep the myths and misinformation going to cover these losses up.  I mean when they tell adoptive parents to call the natural parents biological strangers and then they want to call birth mothers good mothers.  Its a double standard.  

Its up to us as a group to explain that they are wrong.  Its up to all of us to speak our truths.  Society needs to hear that one of our members here was scammed out of thousands of dollars .  Our legislators need to really hear that.   When adoptees are denied their civil rights because of the status of their birth, we as a group we need to speak out. This is something that adoptive parents should support for their children's sake.  We need to speak out when agencies take advantage of mothers and fathers.  Truthfully, would you want someone to take your children because they could profit of them?   If they do it to mothers and fathers, then they could do it to you.

Answer 10

You sound angry Sunny.  I'm pretty sure this is about the 4th question you've asked about adoptive parents and infertility.

Would counselling help, or a support group?  I don't know how to help you but I wish you peace.

Answer 11

wow... let me try and give this question some justice.

i emphatically, 100% agree with your assertion. and it's not only among adoptees (which sets me on fire when i read the "troll" "n**i" statements juxtaposed with how adoption is a "gift"); but pregnant women in general.  

so often on parenting boards, women with infertile friends, relatives... state, "i got pregnant and my (insert infertile relationship here) has been unable to conceive for years. when i told her, she was so nasty to me and..." et al...

the advice is always, "well, you have to understand that she is really hurting", "she is feeling jealous", "it's difficult for her to be happy"...you get the point.

yet, if a pregnant woman is on the boards, and complains about being sick or being unhappy with her post-partum body, she's attacked "at least you can get pregnant!!!  there are some women who give anything to feel morning sickness..", "you are so selfish! you at least can get pregnant and have a child, yet you complain about your body??"

or some blog extensively about "i get so tired of seeing 'those' women with 5 and 6 kids, and i can't even get pregnant once!"...you get the point.

so i do see a double standard.  it appears in the continuum of parenting "loss", everyone, (pregnant women, f-mothers, adoptees, et al) rank lower than an APs loss through infertility...

ps. this assertion is a generalization and does not apply to all aparents or infertiles.  as a matter of fact, my best friend (who is currently having difficulties conceiving) is one of my biggest supporters with my pregnancy. unfortunately, she's not the norm.