APs, Adoptees and overcompensating...

Question

APs do you ever feel like you need to overcompensate for what your child lost and what your child went through before you adopted them (i,e, abusive past or third world orphanage)? It could include everything from food to attention to material possessions. We did, especially at the beginning. Our agency was very good and put us in touch with counsellors who specialize in internation adoptions, who helped us put things in perspective. But it was hard when all we wanted to do was erase all the pain of her abandonment and trauma from the neglect and malnourishment in the orphanage. I'm curious if any other parents felt this way and what you did to combat it.

Adoptees: Did you ever feel your parents were overcompensating for the fact that you were adopted? In what ways?

Answer 1

I don't think I'm overcompensating for anything, but my son does get my (and my entire immediate family's) only attention.  

That's just because he is my first child; my siblings first nephew; the first grand child; the youngest in the ENTIRE family (until recently)...  so, I think he's a little spoiled with love, attention, material objects and alot of opportunities, like different extracurricular activities that so far he enjoys.

I just try to do what I think is the best for him.

Answer 2

Very interesting question.  My 2 other adopted sibs and I were each adopted in infancy (less than 3 weeks old) and didn't have hideous treatment or any kind of neglect in our past that we were aware of.  Actually, 3 weeks was me.  I was in a foster home that long.  My brother and sister were each picked up by our parents at the hospital within 2-3 days of being born.

Along with the other poster, my parents (and just let me say, for the record, that I love them and it was NOT h**l) probably "under-compensated" more than overcompensated.

They always made sure we all knew we were adopted, but other than that the treatment was equal.  Here's where the problem with that came in:  As far as they were concerned, the fact that we were adopted in infancy meant that we were "blank slates", that there would be no need to acknowledge a 'loss' because (according to them) we would never be aware of any loss -- or rather, in their opinion, there was no loss because one parent/set of parents is completely interchangeable with another.  *Sigh*

To an extent, the problems manifested in the family in this way: "their" daughter (biologically born to them) was the ONLY one of us that NEVER got in any trouble and consequently, NEVER suffered any severe or harsh punishments.  I am fairly certain that had she done the types of things we did, she would have 'earned' the same punishments.  Our parents just never acknowledged that there were any differences between us or any 'reason' for there to be.  It never occurred to them that any of our behavioral issues may have been related in any way to being adopted.  I don't know if this makes sense...they did such a good job (especially for the time) of helping us understand that we were adopted, and what that means, but they didn't take into account what effect(s) adoption had ALREADY had on us -- just by happening at all.  Nor did they consider (at least not much, to my knowledge) how it would continue to affect us throughout life or what kinds of impact our adoptive status could have on other areas of our lives.

I have been the most 'vocal' (in my immediate family) in re-educating them about the misinformation they were fed and the inaccuracy of the assumptions they held.  To their credit, they have been amazingly receptive and have been extremely supportive to our varying levels of interest in searching for, finding, and having relationships with our natural families.  They have also become advocates/activists for the cause of open records/equal treatment and ethical reforms in the 'institution' of adoption.

I hope that didn't veer too far off course from the question.  My parents didn't overcompensate at all, but they were adopting during the BSE (for the most part).

Answer 3

I think my parents fell into the "we saved you, be grateful camp".  I was more like Cinderella.

Answer 4

Hmm..I don't think we are "over compensating" because our children had a rotten first five years although it is tempting.  I get more "i Hate you's" in a day than probably any other mom because I don't overcompensate.  I want our relationshiop to grow not because of what I buy them but because of how I treat them adn the boundaries I set.  

Now don't get me wrong I built a toyroom and filled it up, and bought a Wii machine but really that was just as much for hubby, and we take them and do fun things...but that is how I feel things would have been if we had children by birth instead, so it is not overcompenstating.

We also work strongly with logical consequences, and our kids, god bless them, they are destreuctive and due to rough play break every toy (and the blinds, the window, the couch etc. etc. etc.) they have and so the logical consequences is during this phase we don't buy much and we def. don't buy expensive toys.

Answer 5

I was adopted as an infant and can say my parents treated my adoptive sister and I exactly the same. I'm in the same boat with my kids...two adopted, one not. When my adopted kids came home as infants, I bought them everything under the sun... nothing was too good for them. Luckily, that didn't last long. I definitely feel I was trying to compensate on some level for their rough beginnings, or maybe I was trying to buy their love...I don't know.

Now that my kids are a bit older, I do admittedly spoil my daughter more than my sons, but that's just because she's a girl, and they're just so much fun.

Answer 6

I hope that I can help you. I was adopted and I formed my family though adoption. It sounds like you have a handle on it, but what your child needs and deserves from you is a family.

You can't be a perfect family and you shouldn't try to be. And your child cannot be the poor helpless creature you saved, that's unhealthy for both of you.

Children are incredibly resilient and adopted children don't need special treatment to erase the 'primal wound' that some very misguided people have worked so hard to promote. Just love her and be her Mom.

The single best thing my parents did was to talk about adoption so early and so often that I have no recollection of the 'BIG NEWS'! Also we had playmates who had been adopted as well and it was useful to know of other kids who joined their families the same way that we did.

I make an effort to socialize with other families formed through adoption and I can happily tell you that adoption is the most boring topic of all time in the eyes of my seven year old son.  

Answer 7

This is a common pitfall for international adoptive parents.  We made a concerted effort not to go overboard on material things.  But it was hard, I fully admit!  There are a few toys that were never played with and we ended up donating, unopened.

Attention-wise, I think the children regressed some after adoption (not unusual) and needed a lot of physical contact: cuddling, hand-holding.  And I mean that was pretty constant for the first few weeks.  We saw it as attachment work and security.  We never pushed them away and it didn't take long before they felt comfortable enough so that they didn't have to be sitting on us every minute.  But even now, they still love that physical contact; it just doesn't have that urgent quality that it did before.  

Discipline was also a challenge.  Limits did need to be set as the children were testing them on Day 2.  But we weren't sure how to do it without jeopardizing that critical bonding period.  

I guess we felt our way, trusted our instincts and tried to take our cues from the children.  

So far, so good.

Answer 8

I don't know about over-compensating for my life pre-adoption, but my parents, particularly my mom, have given me a lot more than many of my friends. My mom also calls me when I'm away a lot more than most of my friends' parents.

I think because they waited so long to have children compared to people who can have biological children, they appreciated us more when they got us and also because they were older, they had more resources to spoil us with.

Answer 9

I do think a lot about all the time that my children spent in an institution and wonder in what ways it has affected them.  It is confusing sometimes to determine which is normal child behaviour and which is related to adoption.  

Materialistically, they have a lot compared to me when I was a child, but no more than your average middle class child.  

My children do not seem to have any issues regarding food.

However emotionally, I do tend to be a little bit more alert when it comes to their emotional needs and I probably tend to analyse their emotions a bit more also.

I also feel a little overprotective of their interactions with other people because I worry that someone might say something that is not nice regarding adoption that may hurt their feelings.