APs, adoptees and the honeymoon period?

Question

Right now we are in the process of gradually transitioning our new son from his foster home into our home and while we were prepared for confusion and grieving, we have yet to see any of that. We were also anticipating jealousy from our elder daughter, but so far everything has been smooth... maybe a little too smooth. Obviously I am not wishing for drama, but I thought it entirely natural for a little boy (2) who has been with a very loving foster family for the first 21 months of his life would seem more upset or confused. And I thought my daughter (3) who has had all of our love and attention all to herself for the past 2+ years, would be unhappy that she now has to share. But so far, he seems in awe of us and his new big sister and she is just enamoured with him. We were speaking with the foster family and the social worker tonight and they all feel that we can speed up the placement process as he seems to be adjusting better than they thought. I have heard some parents talk about "the honeymoon stage" and once the novelty wears off and he realizes that he's not going back to live with his foster family that we might see some grieving or resentments and whatever else. It has only been 2 months, but friends (who have not adopted) are telling me I should just be grateful (I know, the irony) and stop "borrowing trouble." But I just want to make sure that I help both of my children with their feelings about this situation and seeing as how they are toddlers I also know that they can't exactly explain their full feelings to me, but I would like to anticipate them so I can help. Does anyone else have any experience with this?

P.S. He has been told that he is going to be a part of our family now, but again as he's only 2, I don't know how he interprets that. The foster family has decided tonight that they will remain a part of our lives (they were not sure they could handle it emotionally), so I hope that will make a positive impact.

Answer 1

Ah yes, the fabled "honeymoon" period.  I do think it exists, but for how long depends on the children.  It's the stage where the child is pretty quiet, compliant and pleasant to be around.  I think it ends when the child feels secure enough to start testing limits.

My husband and I joke that for our children, the "honeymoon" period was in the car on the way to the airport.  My children were testing limits pretty much right away!  Younger son: "Give me candy or I cry."  (that one is still my favorite).

With toddlers, it's difficult to say.  Your daughter may be just delighted to have a new person around to play with, but sooner or later there will be a some limit testing, as they figure out the new dynamics and are trying to see how everyone fits back into the picture and finding out if the same rules in the house still apply.

I wouldn't "borrow trouble" as you say, but just be aware of the possibility.  It may be a big deal, it may not be.  The key is to control your reaction to the situation.  

Good luck and congrats!  

Answer 2

Well, our child was 1 when he was placed, but he is a very smart little boy, so I also was worried about how he would interpret it all and how he would cope.

Honestly, it has gone wonderfully well. I think the best thing you can do is relax and enjoy your time with him and just be aware of his moods and his feelings--if he is expressing any. Your daughter will make the transition easier in a way...in that he has someone 'on his level' who can 'kid relate'. It is also helpful that she has been adopted, so she too will be able to help him in his transition....and can honestly understand his fears, anxiety and any other emotions he is feeling.

Keeping the foster family close is a wonderful thing and it is so awesome that he will be able to continue to have them as his 'extended family'. We call our son's foster parents 'aunt and uncle'. Your son has spent a lot of time with them and their bond will be just as close as family....

I think I mentioned this before, but I'll mention it again. We have been told and have practiced bringing the foster family to OUR house or to a neutral location for a while. With a 2 year old, he will likely remember them and their home for a while...which is fine, but returning him to the home has the potential to make him fearful that you are returning him for good or simply confuse the issue. I wish you well Kazi! Deep breaths....everything is fine!! :-)

Answer 3

Our son's honeymoon period lasted almost two years.  He didn't start "acting out" or grieving until his mom and dad's rights were taken...and this is what he grieved.  He was in so many foster homes, moving to him was a part of natural life.  For a long time, when we would go somewhere and if he saw us packing a bag - toys - side dishes to bring whatever - he thought that he was moving again.  

Answer 4

Hi Kazi,

Rough day, so I'll keep it short:)

I have a 3 yr old and a 2 yr old too.  The transition was smooth sailing for 5 months.  Then I feel DD was comfortable enough to start pushing limits.  Boy, did she push limits.  It lasted two months.  I was consistent and felt pretty confident with my parenting since she is my 5th daughter.  Well that went out the window.  You have to tell all kids no at times and when they don't listen there are consequences.  Time outs, no brainer right? Nope.

DD hates time outs.  She would scream for hours because she had to go in a two minute time out. The idea of me telling her "when" she had to go to time out and "when" she could come out, was too much for her.  She had to have some control. Now she gets to sit quietly in our study and when she is ready she comes out on her own terms.  She is completely in charge of when she gets to come out. Once i figured this out, the power struggles slowly subsided.  Whew.

I have noticed too that she needs her cuddle time at night.  Especially if she had a time out that day.  I rock her like a baby to sleep in our rocker.  Some days we are just too busy and its not possible, guaranteed crabby time in the morning.  Now, she is just like everyone else in the family.  Good days and bad.  There are times the girls pick on each other, normal sister stuff.

I really think they need to know that its okay if they are naughty, you will still love them no matter what.

The 3yr old has had to learn to share.  She is doing better but every now and then she will open the front door.  "Its time for her to leave now".  No honey, she's here forever.  "But WHY?"  Because she is your sister and we will love her forever.  "FINE".  As she stomps away.  

Congrats on your son:)