APs: Did you feel an extra responsibility to ensure your child had a "better life"...?

Question

than they would have had if they'd been raised by their first parents?

For us, we don't believe we are giving our daughter "a better life" then she would have had if she'd been with her parents in China. We consider it just a different life. However, with our new son (foster care), due to the abuse, we do in fact believe (or hope) it will be better with us.

The reason I am asking is I know most parents who are raising biological children want the absolute best for their kids and want them to experience things, but I'm wondering if APs and even PAPs feel an actual responsibility to make that happen... and in what ways.

For example. My kids are only 3 and 2, but I feel very strongly that they shoul go to university. Hubby reminds me that they might want to do a trade or be actors, painters or rock stars, but I said that they just had to go to university. When he said why, I blurted out because "we promised!" Well, we didn't actually promise anything of the sort, but I felt I owed it somehow to the first families (particularly to my daughter's) that they would have this experience. Obviously I would never force them to go to university; I was just shocked at how intense that feeling was.

There are other things as well as that I want them to experience, it's just that while many biological parents may have a wish list, I almost have a "must provide" list.

Anyone else?

Also, to the adoptees: Do you know if your parents made certain promises to your first parents about a "better life."

Answer 1

I guess I never thought of that viewpoint before.  We just want the same for all our kids,  bio and adopted.  I do think though about all the experiences the girls will have here that they wouldn't in China (IE amusement parks, tacos, playing ball in the street)  Things that we as Americans take for granted.

I guess I want the "American dream" for the girls.  I realize that if they were raised by their biological parents they would have had the "Chinese dream".   Their lives would have been much different.  Better? Worse?  Just different.

I think their lives will be better here because they will have the best of both worlds.  They are Americans but will learn all about their Chinese culture and language right along with the rest of the family,  They will know more about their heritage than either myself or my husband know about our own heritage.  We are a mismosh of cultures.  The girls are 100% Chinese-American.

Answer 2

I suppose I do in a way.

I adopted my daughter from a girl who was 15 and decided she was too young and couldn't cope.

I felt a lot of pressure for my daughter not to end up a pregnant teenager.

I felt the same pressure with my eldest (biologically mine) like any parent does. No one wants their child to find themselves in that situation.

But with my younger daughter I felt sort of double the pressure because if she ended up pregnant I would have failed her and her mother.

I have no doubt her mother didn't want her in that position.

But then I didn't want to be overly hard on her and strict either.

I want the same things for both my daughters but when it comes to my biological daughter my only duty is to her but when it comes to my adoptive daughter i feel a duty to her and her mother.

Both my daughters chose to leave school without any A-levels. I was disappointed (and extremely worried) over that.

With my eldest I had the usual concerns of how she would get by without a proper education etc.

With my youngest I had all those worries but also worried about what her mother would think if she found out her daughter hadn't finished school.

They are both doing well now. My youngest did various courses and is now studying to be a nurse, but I did worry.

I mostly felt I had to give her the best life that I could.

For my adopted son I wanted the same, to give him the best life I could.

We fostered him at first and then adopted. His mother is schizophrenic and was in and out of hospital every other week. There was no way she could care for him, she couldn't really care for herself.

With him I felt an extra duty to teach him about mental illness and what it does and why it happens.

I felt this because so many people are so ignorant about mental illness and people with mental illness suffer such stigma and abuse in society and I didnt want him to grow up to be like that.

Obviouly I don't want any of my children to be like that but I felt especially that I would be doing her a great disservice if he grew up not understanding it.

Answer 3

I think that if I compare t*t for tat, then yes, I expect to be giving my children something better than what they had before.  Like you, I'm adopting through foster care, and I expect that they will not be abused in my home, they will not be neglected, they will always have enough to eat, they will always have a warm bed to sleep in, they'll always have clean clothes, etc.  But those are just "things".  As far as genes or extended family, or any number of other things, I can't say for certain that they will have a "better" life with me.  I don't believe I'm a better person than their first parents.  People don't abuse thier kids on purpose...I really truly believe that.  My parents still don't "know" that what they did was abuse.  They did the best they could with what they had.  And even though it damaged me permanently and I have a lot of anger toward them for it, I also understand that if they had known better, they could have done better.  Fear (of judgment, of rejection, of showing weakness, etc.) kept them from knowing better.  And, if abusers aren't truly "evil" or "bad" people, then it stands to reason that there is some good in them.  Some abusers have a better sense of humor than me.  Some keep house better than me.  Some of them are singers or painters or skateboarders.  I can't compete with any of that.  

Whenever the "better life" discussion comes up, I always feel as if I'm being asked if I think I'm better than another person.  There are things that ONLY my childrens' first parents can provide, and - simply by the fact that they are human - there are going to be things that they do better than me.  I can say that my kids will have the best possible life I can provide them, and that whatever reason they were removed from their parents' care they will not experience in my care.  Beyond that...I can't honestly say I'm in this to give anyone a better life.  In order to say that for certain, I would have to compare myself to another person and say, "I'm better".  I just can't do that.  

ETA:  Sunny, I noticed that, too.  The comment, "(particularly to my daughter's)" is bothersome to me.  In what other ways do you or will you treat them differently?  I also notice you have major anger issues with his first parents, but not hers.  This could cause some tensions down the road.  It's something you need to take care of.  Abusers are not "bad people".  They would do better if they knew better.  Right now, they are afraid to make any changes.  You don't see that fear, but it's there, and it's very obvious...one of those "hidden in plain sight" kind of things.  Please release your anger toward them.  It will help you to treat your kids more equally, and they deserve that.

ETA2:  Kazi, your children are the only people who can say this for certain, but it is my belief that what you think in your quiet moments alone does come out in the way you treat your children.  I'm not attacking you.  I completely see how you can be upset.  But you need to let it go, honestly and completely, in order to truly treat your children the same.  They KNOW how you feel.  They may not be able to articulate it, but they feel it, they sense it.  I promise you, if you feel differently about their origins, their parents, the people who created them, you DO treat them differently.  If you believe the people who created your son are "bad people", then what do you believe of him?  They created him, they are part of him.  This may be an anonymous place to vent, but your true feelings seep out in your daily life in moments when you don't notice.  But THEY do, I promise.

Answer 4

I want to help EVERY child that touches my life have a better one, whether it be my bio or A kids, the ones who's parent changed her mind, and I'm still trying to help, the kids who stayed the night at my house growing up, the ones I babysat, and every child I see.  For my children, I work to see that they have a happy life most of all, and a better life than I've ever dreamed of.  

We had talked about this the other night with my A-son's bio dad.  He said one of the reasons they placed him for adoption was to see that he had a better life than they could provide, and we all agreed together, that we want every one of our kids to have better lives than we have.  This should be every parent's wish.

Answer 5

I didn't think of it in those terms.  I wanted to be the best parent I could be--period.  Adoption didn't change the way I parented.  I parented the same way I would have with a biological child.  My responsibility was to my child and had nothing to do with adoption.

Answer 6

I don't think I feel any more of an additional responsibility for this than if my daughter were my biological child.  I have to say that I'm glad she has a loving mother rather than being raised in an orphanage  And I'm glad that she will have opportunities here that she would not have in her birth country.  but I guess I don't feel any more or less responsible for giving her a "better life" than if I had conceived her naturally.  My motivation in adopting her was simply to have a child.  Not to "rescue" her from a less than desirable situation.  

Answer 7

The only thing my aparents had over my nparents was that they were married.  Period. My ndad was sort of a cad who wouldn't marry my mother.  He regretted it. Neither had other children.

My nparents (he is dead) are/were VERY wealthy. They are educated.  They had interesting hobbies, and were well traveled. I would have had a MUCH better life than the one I got.

I will have a financially healthy retirement.

P.S. You seem to want to give your Chinagirl a better education than the foster kid--sterotype much?

Answer 8

Yes, I do feel a sense of responsibility to provide a good life for my son.  I find myself thinking about my son's natural mother alot.  I often wish I could share the more special moments in my son's life with her.

Answer 9

When I met my parents, they made a promise to me. Not to my first parents because they're dead. But they promised me that they would take care of me, that they would give me a home, that they would be involved in my life, and that they would do everything in their power to help me succeed, just like they do with their biological children. And they have kept their promise to me.

I don't have a "better life" in terms of more money. The clothes I wore when I was a kid, either my mother sewed them, or we got hand-me-downs from older kids that went to our synagogue. I have to work to pay my for rent and electricity and cable and food (although not meat, 'cuz my dad owns a butcher shop) - but it's made me a better person. My parents never expected to pay for my college (now they have 10 children, including me, and they are far from having the means) but they pushed me to do well in school so I could get in on my own.

I did.

It's a great feeling.

Answer 10

I've never described my daughter's adoption as having a "better life". Just a "different life" like you mentioned. Nor have I ever considered that she is loved more by us.

Sure, I have a wish list of things I'd like to see her do or accomplish. Going to college is definitely one of them and as a parent the best I can do is give her the opportunity and encourage her to do so. But in the end she will make her own decision and will either be content with it or learn from it.

My "must provide list" is to allow, accept, and support who she is and wants to become. I think that's important for any child.

Answer 11

Yes.  

I've always looked at our adoption experience as being entrusted with children.  I feel we owe them everything we can to provide every opportunity so that they can "be all they can be". (Not meaning, they must join the Army!)

By this I mean not only educational opportunities, but life experiences as well.  We owe it to them, their first parents and their country of origin.  

Answer 12

Waaaaaaaayyyyy back when I was adopted, there was no communication between the first parents and the adoptive parents in the "average adoption."  Really, the thought back then was that the first parents were out of the picture to the point where it was supposed to appear as if they never existed.  So, my AP's couldn't make any kind of promise to them.  However, I do believe that it was their intent to give us the best they could offer.  I know they wanted better for us than they had.  

Answer 13

P.S. You seem to want to give your China girl a better education than the foster kid--stereotype much?

I agree with you Kazi. Its not about a stereotype but more so about the guilt you feel over adopting a child that could have been kidnapped from a loving family that didn't relinquish her. I would feel horrified and guilty as well, if I found out that I contributed to my a-child parents being arrested and thrown into a labor camp just for looking for their beloved child sold to a foreigner for 30 grand.  

How the h**l does an Ap ever begin to make up for that atrocity both to the child and her parents.

God is watching remember.

Answer 14

Hi Kazi,

YES.

While i cannot say whether our children would have a better life with us or their parents, I do hold myself to a higher standard.  Another mother and father choose or entrusted us to raise their children.  THAT is a huge responsibility.  HUGE, and its never far from my mind.

Answer 15

Yes.

My mom has admitted to me at one point that although she is my MOM, she also felt more of a responsibility because I was someone else's child first.