APs - Did you share details about your child with your family members when they were placed/matched?

Question

What I mean by details is information about their birthparents, birth, whatever the situation is, etc.? If you did, do you regret it?

We sent a letter to close friends and family when our homestudy was approved to sort of explain what the next part of the process was like. We let them know that there may be details and information that we won't share with them. We believe - STRONGLY - that those details, the story of their adoption, will belong to our child - and it's up to them to decide who they want to share that with.

We've now met with some resistance - not all, but a few (like my MIL) - who have asked to be given all of the information. When I said "no," she got upset and insisted that this will be her grandchild, and she has a right to know. I tried to explain that this isn't MINE to share and that we will respect the privacy of both the birthmom and our child, but it's still an issue. I'm obviously not going to cave in to her, but wondered about others experiences.

Answer 1

we gave anyone who asked information about our child, and about what we needed to do in order to bring her home.  the only personal information i ever have shared with anyone about our daugther's other mother is that she is her mother and had every right to decide to parent up until said time.  and that i was going to do my best to understand should she choose that and i hoped they would too.  

i view her as a friend and keep what's shared of her personal life between us like i would any friend.  it's up to her what to share and what not to, and when my child is older she can decide what she wishes to share and what not to.

i think you are doing the right thing, and MIL's will always be MIL's.  i just say well..........and never finish with mine.  she eventually goes away.

Answer 2

The first question out of everyone's mouth when we say we are adopting a sibling group of three aged 4,5, 6 are:

1.  Boys, girls or both?

2.  Race/ethnic background?

3.  What happened to them?

We answer the first two questions and the third question we say "their mom adn dad are unable to care for them" and that is all I say.  

I agree with you but will give pertinant informaiton to caregivers or grandparents if the information is something like attachement disorder or if there are triggers to watch for.  That is all, no details.  I was used to this as a foster parent I could not ever divuldge informaiton about kids in my care, so we are keeping it up with our own adopted kids.

Answer 3

No, we did not share any of what we believed were private details with our families and friends.

We did share more with those family members who were trained or in some way had a better education or history that would be a good part of our support system.

We did not say Anything about birthmom, other then the fact that she was unable to care for the children.

We did not share the status of fact about positive birth drug tox, or the implications of mental health issues with birth mom.

As time has gone by, we have needed to provide our family with more information. Only for their ability to understand the severity of our childrens special needs.

We do offer resources and information to the family members who want to know more about FASD (Fetal Alcohol Spectrum Disorders) and ARND (Alcohol-related neutrodevelopmental disorders) as well as information about Reactive Attachment Disorder.

We have also needed to educate the young men, adult men, neighbors, and family members with sons about the importance of NEVER being alone with our daughter Ever... as she is prone to think things happen when they don't....

We have had to help any family members wanting to spend time with our daughter without us being there that she MUST be watched at all times and that pushing boundary's is better not to let go a little or it will lead to a lot.....

We have had to talk about the abuse our daughter suffered in order for family members, neighbors, doctors, teachers, the police, social workers, other parents and anyone who meets us to understand WHY our child is the way she is.......

Part of what her story is includes the Bad Things that happened to her---and dealing with the fact that she does and always has loved a mommy who hurt her.... She shares the story more then we do....

I tell the other family members that they are on a "Need to Know Basis" and that as we determine what the family needs to know WE will share our children's private information with them....

We started out offering our Family members Two Clean Slates of children they had little information to pre-judge....

The only other people Directly Involved in knowing all of the information were our Adult Children...who did play a direct and active role in the decision making and adoption process. They were 17 and 18 when the children joined the family and therefore directly impacted by the added family members.

Answer 4

No...that info is only available on a need to know basis.  With that said, things like the city Em was born in, the fact that we are both part Cherokee (because that is just kinda cool!), were shared, but there are other things surrounding her relinquishment we have kept to ourselves.  

We have even gone so far as to put the paperwork we have in a binder in a special place in our house and we have told the guardians where that info is and have instructed them that if we are to both kick the bucket, to take it, share with Em at an appropriate age, and not speak a word of it to others.  Kinda morbid, but you really have to be ready and there are certain family members I DO not want that info going to, unless if Em chooses to share it.

Answer 5

I think if you want to an open adoption there are no secrets. Your family just wants to be involved and be a part of the process. I don't think it is bad to share the information at all.  I adopted 3 years ago and everyone knows that our birth mom was only 15 when she got pregnant, and wanted to finish high school, go to college etc.  There is no shame in any of that.

Answer 6

Hi Wholelottacats,

I just wanted to thank you and let you know you are doing the right thing.  That information is rightly your child's, not the MIL's.  You will likely face disapproval from other curious people as well.  If MIL wants some information, perhaps something on adoption in general would be appropriate for her, with emphasis on the adoptee's perspective and rights so she might understand better.  Thanks again,

julie j

reunited adoptee

Answer 7

Wholelottacats,

You are doing the right thing for the right reasons. Oh you gotta love those MILs.  Mine did the same.  She won't like it but don't back down.  Good Luck.

Answer 8

Way to go, Wholelottacats!

I adopted my son nearly five years ago, when he was 2-1/2. I did share some of his information with close family members and now I wish I hadn't. I was just excited and didn't know much at all about adoption loss and history and privacy in relation to adoption. I have been shocked over the years at some of the insensitive and prying questions that have been asked (fortunately, never in my son's presence). People still ask sometimes when they realize that my son was adopted, but I don't give any information. I now know to say, "That's his story, not mine." I have been given strange looks and I'm sure some people are put off by that, but too bad. I wish I had known to do that sooner! People *do* look at adoptees differently and I know this because one of my co-workers (her sons played soccer with my son so we know each other socially as well) approached me recently and said, "I didn't know S--- was adopted!" Like it matters! I just said, "Yes, he was," and that was the end of it. I'm not ashamed and I don't believe my son is either, but geez! Why is it an issue? Sometimes I wish no one knew that I adopted my son because I hate the invasive questions. I don't ask what position they were in when their child was conceived...why do they need to know any deeply personal information about my kid? (Yeah, I know, that was pretty crude. But hopefully you get what I mean.) I mean, come on. His history isn't even completely available to him (OBC, etc.)! Keep your child's history for HIM. It's no one else's business.

Answer 9

I agree with you firmly that this infomation is on a need to know basis, and owned by the person who is adopted, and they can share what they want to, when they want to, with whomever they want to.

Now, that being said, we've run across through the years misconceptions in our immediate family who were told that everything with our daughter's birth and her birthmother's pregnancy were normal, but for some reason or another, they "heard" something else.  So, for example, my mother went through years of worry thinking that our daughter had suffered a mild birth injury (she has health problems otherwise, but not from a birth injury) and my MIL and father were convinced that there was a chance of fetal alcohol (none).  

When I learned these misconceptions, I was quick to go to them and say something like, "No, as we told you, everything was normal in pregnancy and birth, and if you have questions, please come to me.  If it is something I feel comfortable in sharing, I will share with you, all the while respecting privacy.  If not, then I won't be able to share."  

So, I guess the moral to my story, if there is one, if everything is ok, no major health challenges expected, then let everyone know.  Otherwise, tell them that you can offer a small bit of nonspecific or vague information and respect your child's privacy.

Then, you hand them a copy of the book "Twenty Things Adopted Kids Wish Their Adoptive Parents Knew" and let them know that the information is all in there.

http://www.amazon.com/Twenty-Things-Adop...