APs: Do you have a hard time distinguishing between an "adoption issue" and "kid being a kid" issue?

Question

I think of myself as pretty vigilant when it comes to acknowledging certain issues that my daughter has with regards to being adopted, but I have been told that I am making "mountains out of molehills." My daughter FREAKS if she can't see food. We're told that's just a typical kid. But we believe she does it because of the lack of food at the orphanage. Even though she was an infant, I believe some part of her remembers being hungry, so she acts out. Now... we are moving. She seemed excited about all the commotion, however, when it came to packing up her room, she lost it. She was inconsolable. Again, I thought this might be an adoption issue, fear of change or being left behind. I decided to let her help me pack up her room and explained how she was going to love the new house and how we'd all be together. It calmed her down, but again, we were told that any kid who saw her stuff being packed up would have reacted the same way. How do you tell the difference?

Answer 1

Hey Kazi.

I'm with you here!  I find myself secondguessing everything, wondering if something is just "kid being kid" or an adoption/loss/trauma related issue.

In your case, I think your gut is right.  This is a pretty big change and it is probably very fearful to her.  My children also experienced starvation/food loss and we worked very hard to keep food a non-issue and not make it a power struggle.  The first few months, we would be making snacks at 3 AM, just to reassure frightened children that there is food in the house, there will always be food in the house and if they are hungry, they will be able to eat.  

Our situation with food resolved itself in time, but I have heard of giving children some canned food or some sealed crackers (something that won't attract ants!) to keep in their rooms.  It is kind of like a security blanket.  

I think you're doing the right thing by constantly reassuring her that everyone will be together in the new house.  I don't know how far away you're moving, but if it's a short distance, could you let her pack a bag, drive over to the new house, then let her unpack it in her new room?

Answer 2

Kazi,

I hope you will excuse my answering as I'm not an adoptive parent.  I am an adoptee, though, and I had a definite reaction to reading your question, so I hope you'll allow me to share my point of view, as well.

As I remember it, even *I* could not tell sometimes if my feelings were 'normal kid' feelings or if they were caused by (or exagerrated by) my having been adopted.  In general, I don't really think they are mutually exclusive.  That is to say, I think the 'normal kid' feelings that do arise in adoptees can still be complicated (not always, but sometimes) by the adoption-related experience.  I was never in an orphanage, as your daughter was, but I had other pre-adopted experiences (all pre-conscious/pre-verbal) that I'm absolutely certain lend to some of my feelings and behaviors as a child -- and even now, at 30-something.  There are those who think it's not possible for me to feel anything because of an experience I can't consciously remember but I don't worry about them -- I know what I know about myself.

As for the examples you gave, I'm not sure.  My experience would tell me that they are both more than just 'normal kid' feelings and reactions.  I am a social worker and have worked as a caseworker in various social service/child welfare divisions.  Before I finished my degree, though, in my first job in CPS I was a shelter worker in the short-term shelter for children who removed from their parents.  The shelter was used if a foster placement was not immediately available (such as in the middle of the night, when the 'regular' foster homes within the placement area were all full, or over long/holiday weekends - I hated that one but it was true so I'm mentioning it) or when it was determined that the children would go home to their parents within a few days or weeks.  I saw plenty of similar behaviors as those you've described and I'd be surprised if that was just 'normal kid' behavior given what they had so recently been through.  Because we had so many kids removed due to neglect, I saw tons of food hoarding which sounds like your daughter's reaction to not being able to see food.  I saw kids become extremely possessive of their (usually sparse) belongings and they would react in a similar way to your daughter when we (the staff) started packing their things up -- as in "I know I'm moving and I don't know to where".  Their anxiety was through the roof unless (or until) we told them they were going home.

I wasn't there, of course, but in my opinion (as a social worker AND an adoptee) your response to her was perfect!  The kids I worked with were anxious about everything regarding their move.  To let your daughter know YOU, her mother, would be there 'at the other end' of the move was brilliant.  It's amazing what we adults forget are not 'defaults' in children's minds -- like that when families move, they (usually) all move together.  :-)  I have 10 nieces and nephews (in 3 different families)  who've moved quite a bit and I've never seen them react that way to the packing up of their rooms.  These are just my thoughts.

I hope that helps and that you don't mind my answering even though I'm not an adoptive parent.

Take care!

Answer 3

Hi Kazi,

Thank you for this question.  This is a constant worry in my life.  I find it gets easier as my girls get older.  I just talk to them and ask them.

We have food issues with our youngest too.  She won't stop eating and hoards her food.  I know it goes back to the lack of food and being in the orphanage.  We have healthy snacks all over the house so she can just grab fresh fruits and veggies to snack on.  She is still growing by leaps and bounds so i couldn't limit food.  I do worry she won't experience that "full" tummy feeling.  When my other daughters were younger and said they were full, i would say good listen to your body.  I don't think it will be that easy this time around.

I just love them reassure them and try to talk things out.  I know the talking things out part is hard when they are younger.  Its nice to hear i'm also not alone with this.

((((Spydermama)))) nice to see you again.  I love the wise-up book we've used it for years.  The book and flashcards were highly suggested at a dealing with racism seminar i went to in chicago.  I use some of their responses myself too:)

((Sunny)) great advice.

Answer 4

"how can you tell the difference"

I'd purchase a Crystal ball or get into therapy and let them explain it to you.

Answer 5

Wow... I always thought the food issues were just my child's. He used to do the same thing. He would wake up screaming for a drink and then we would also have to get a snack for him in the middle of the night.

Not that I wish that kind of panic on anyone, but it is somewhat comforting to know it is "normal" for some adopted children.  (I know that does not sound right!!)

My son would also never allow us to throw anything of his away. He would keep everything. We used to kid him about being the ultimate pack rat. We would have to sneak things out of his room, hide them in the basement for awhile (to make sure he did not freak when he found them missing) and then safely dispose of whatever it may have been.

I also have two bio children and they were pack rats to a point, but never to this extent. So, I think these issues are directly related to being adopted.

Answer 6

OMG yes yes yes! It is so confusing sometimes. There seems to be a fine balance between relating too many behaviours to adoption/past experience and then not enough. I mean is my son's stealing issues related to his rads only or is it just something that five year olds go thru?

I think it is just one of those follow your instinct things and pray that you do the right things. lol no one said parenting was gonna be easy lol!

Answer 7

Kazi, I totally relate to this. I so often am confused about whether something going on with my daughter (or heck, with me also!) is adoption related or just a "normal" kid stage.

My daughter doesn't have food issues (she's the kid most willing to try new foods and loves broccoli), but she has separation issues when I leave (even when she's with dad) and sometimes when my husband leaves also. And she also has fears of climbing and similar that most kids her age seem not to (maybe because she didn't have an opportunity to use her large muscles to walk or crawl till 14 months when we adopted her). Now, are these adoption issues or not?

Well, my feeling is that they probably are, but also may be part of her base personality. And to some extent it doesn't matter. I mean, of COURSE it matters, but it also isn't important to figure it out completely. You often can't really pick apart the reasons for something. Whatever the reason we need to sensitively support  our children where they are, and for who they are, and to be the best they can become.

I really like Sunny's answer. A lot of the times things are adoption issues -- or at least partly adoption issues. And regardless of their genesis, "love her up, and reassure her" is the perfect answer.

Sometimes it is helpful for me to think about things as being adoption related, because I think then I can be extra sensitive to some issues and deal with some of them a bit proactively. Even if much of the issue is not related to adoption, I figure it doesn't hurt to parent sensitively and proactively.

But you know what, I just wouldn't discuss this stuff with the people who think you are "making mountains out of molehills" that much. I think these are probably people who don't know much about adoption, and who think there is no loss involved and your daughter is a "blank slate," and that you should just treat your daughter as if she was not adopted and has no issues. And they are wrong! So you should ignore them and just not talk about parenting with them. I mean if they are your husband or your daughter's teacher, then you may have to, but otherwise just keep your own counsel and parent the best way you know how. Your instinct is that these issues are adoption related, and you are probably right, and certainly being extra reassuring to your daughter will not hurt a thing. So just don't worry too much about what others think about it.

ETA: I know you know this, but another thing to be sensitive to is racial issues. Starting around kindergarten age there may be racial teasing. And because our kids are adopted transracially, adoption will come into it also. This is the place where I think it IS important to explictly deal with the race and adoption issues, because they have been brought up by others as such. I recommend the W*I*S*E Up Powerbook. I recently got it and it is great for empowering our kids to deal with these kinds of issues. Good luck!

((((Freckle Face))))  You know, that is great advice to just ask your kids! Duh! <grin>

Actually, I have been doing that also, and I really do think it works, even at 3 or 4. When my daughter seems sad or angry or fearful in a way that is unusual for her or all out of proportion to the situation, I try to ask her if she knows why. And sometimes if it seems likely I will suggest reasons. For instance if she is completely distraught when her Daddy goes to work I will ask if she thinks she is missing Daddy extra much because she is missing her parents in China also. And usually she will say yes and sob even harder, but she seems more consolable then. I say "that must be hard," and "are you missing them a lot?" and she will nod her head yes and snuggle up and let me comfort her in a way that she didn't before I asked. So I think it really helps her to get in touch with and understand and control her feelings.

The first time I asked something like this, I was a little worried I might be planting ideas in her head. I don't worry about that anymore. I'm pretty sure the feelings were already there, and even if they weren't right then, I know that for my daughter, being a person of intense feelings, tapping into the darker and scarier and sadder feelings at a safe time and place can be very cathartic. So even if adoption loss was not her surface thought right then, it wasn't all that far down, and bringing it to the light of day may help her to heal and integrate her loss into her self.

Answer 8

I am foster parent to a seven year old boy, and I have only raised girls.  I find myself constantly wondering what behaviors are due to the trauma he has been through and which are just "being a boy."  I check in with my friends who have boys often and they  chuckle about the things that I "freak" about that their boys do too.  "that's just a boy thing" is something I hear pretty frequently and it puts me at ease. It really helps to get reality checks from friends.

That is not to say that there are not issues regarding his situation. There are very real ones.  But, really, regardless they are all handled the same way with patience and love.

This is such a good question, though.  I often wonder how I can best acknowledge the issues without seeing them in everything he does. That balance can be tough sometimes.

Answer 9

I think they are both adoption issues.

Just love her up, and reassure her.

Answer 10

" I do trust my gut. I think the second-guessing just comes with so many other moms (who have not adopted) and simply don't understand that the way I parent my daughter will be different than they parent theirs."

I completely agree with this statement.

My DD also had a very hard time with our recent move. Now she is settled. Why I think moving can bring angst to any child one needs to acknowledge that the adopted child may have a harder time because of separation anxiety. At least this was true in our case. Also my DD has difficulty with throwing out old toys and clothing in particular. I have learned when SHE is ready she will give them away on her own accord. We have recognized that it is a security issue and she needs to feel as though she has some control in her life. I usually realize she has decided to part with something when I see the neighbor kids with it. LOL

Answer 11

When my son was little we had to put socks over his hands to keep him from pulling at tubes, leads and whatever.

We stopped at about 6 months old. He had to have surgery at 21 months old and after that he started putting his socks on his hands while he was in bed. He would get 1 on and then scream until we put the other one on.

Not sure what that was all about.