APs: Do you have to KNOW your child's bio family to consider them FAMILY?

Question

Anastasia:Well- I consider them my family.

Answer 1

I'm not sure if you have to know them to consider them family.  We have a pretty open adoption and knowing them as well as I do, I absolutely consider them family.  It's hard to know how I would feel if I didn't know them and would also depend on why I didn't know them.

Answer 2

they aren't YOUR family!  they are your child's family.

Answer 3

Not neccicary, you can be their family even without knowing the're bio.

Answer 4

Some of them

Answer 5

If someone in my family  had an unexpected pregnancy I'd take on an extra job to help support their income if they needed me to before I'd adopt their child. Thats because they ARE family, and because I do love them so much. There is no way I would "adopt" someones child in my family and call myself their family and someone who loved them. When you love someone, you don't benefit off of their hard times.

Answer 6

I won't because we adopted from foster care and there is no contact.

When we were foster parents though, often times we kind of "adopted" whole families, mother and fathers of our foster children, and still until this day consider some of them family.  OUr friends are also our family.  Family is defined differently to me than just blood relations.

Answer 7

Of course not.  But I think it helps.

ETA: I should add that I consider my sibling's spouses family to be part of our family.  I consider my husband's stepfather's ex-wife's daughter (not legally adopted by him) and HER son to be part of our family.  It's absolutely ridiculuous that I shouldn't consider someone as close to my children as their biological family to NOT be part of our family.  It's not about ownership, it's about inclusiveness.

Answer 8

No. I think they have to know you inside out and the person you are.

People fail to realise that some birth families, have had family of thier own after adopting the adoptee out. We have to respect that. My birth mother would be offended if I pushed my way into her family. I do class them as family in a non relation term, but they are really still strangers to me. I am still getting to know them and I guess i will decide when the time is right for refering to them as family.

Answer 9

They are my children's family. I think of them like in-laws.  But I do know them. In my family, we try to stay in touch.  So if I consider my children's relatives to be family as well, it follows that I try to maintain some kind of contact  with them.

Answer 10

That's a tough question to answer. I know I consider my in-laws & such as family, but I really got to know them before I ever really considered them family. Adoption has different circumstances.

Answer 11

They are...Kinda. My adopted son is related to my ex-husband, so I know most of that side of the family. They are wonderful people and even after the divorce (and before the adoption) they still treated me like family.

Now that my son's bio-father is deceased, the family is alot more involved. There is one uncle in particular that my son spends alot of time with and he has an older brother that he recently spent spring break with. (His brother is in his mid 20's) My ex husband is planning on taking him to a family reunion in a couple of months.

Many people think it is a strange situation, but it works for us. My husband and I are just happy that our son gets to spend time with his original family.

Answer 12

Very interesting question.  I agree with Jennifer.  

Now to think out loud.  I have family that i hate to consider family.  I have friends that i consider family.  I have family that are not biologically related to me, meaning cousins.  I have in-laws that i love dearly as family.  I have a MIL that i would gladly give away, but of course she's family, darn it.  So maybe its how you personally define family.

Now to the do you have to personally know them part.  I have just started doing a genealogical search on my biofamily.  I have a great great grandmother who i feel connected to but never knew her.  I love her because i define her as family.  Sure she is genetically related to me but that doesn't count for much in my book. (because of the genetic mess i'm related to)  

My oldest daughter's first family is HER family.  I would not want to intrude or diminish that aspect for her.  I have become very close to dd's first mother.  So close that if she needed a kidney, would gladly offer.  If we are fortunate enough to have a larger house someday, i would offer her to live with us.  I don't just throw the L word around but i do.  I love her.  She is like a sister i never had and i do consider her my family.  I don't know if its reciprocated and i don't care.  These are things i do not tell my DD.  

My other daughter's first family is in Africa and we do not have the same opportunity to get to know them.  I offer them inclusiveness and i offer them access to my heart.  I love them like i love my great great grandmother which i never met.  I honor them, I respect them and I love them as extended family.  We are making financial sacrifies to make sure every other year we can travel back to Africa and see DD's first family.  Again, I would not tell this to my DD.  This is her family.  I do not want to create a tangled web where i must include myself in every aspect of her life.  Personally, without influence, i can feel free to love whom ever i want.

Hope I made sense:)

Answer 13

It depends on your definition of family.  That can vary from person to person.  I consider that i have a family and then i have relatives.

Relatives are people that are related to me in some way either by genetics or in laws that i do not have a strong emotional bond with.  

Family is either genetically related to me, or by my choice to have a strong emotional bond with.  People i can count on, who support me in my life and those whom i choose to support in their lives.  So my family is made up of a group of genetic and non genetic members.   Either way they are my family.

Because of how i view family i choose an open adoption.  That way my child and i both could have the opportunity to form an emotional bond with her biological family.  They are considered my family, but that is because i wanted to know them.  

The most important reason for the open adoption is so my child can know her biological family and know them as her family and not just her relatives.  To me there is a difference.

so to answer your question yes i would have to know my child's bio family to consider them family and not just relatives.

Answer 14

I would think so.  Its a hard question, but how do you call someone family, if you don't even know them.  I know my adopted sons birth family very well.  We see each other as often as possible.

Answer 15

It is amazing how my ideas of family have changed as I have become a parent.  

I definitely consider the bio family part of our family and their ethnic background part of the babies' backgrounds as well as ours.  I do have a very open adoption with the Bio Mom though, so that makes it easier of course.

Answer 16

I think JenniferL hit the nail on the head when she said this was about inclusiveness.  My family has always been comprised of blood relatives, family by marriage, and also family by close association.  There are people in my "family" that I refer to as "aunt" or "uncle" that are just "family friend".

If my daughter's birth mom wanted to be included, my family would welcome her with an open heart as well.   We certainly include my daughter's half sister and her parents with our family things from time to time.   I think  this is a situation where the phrase "it is the thought that counts", in this case the feeling you have toward that person.  Caring about a person and wanting to include them is not the same thing as being biologically related.

Also want to point out step families:  they are not all biologically connected, but considered family just the same.  What it boils down to is the feeling.

Answer 17

Yes, we consider my son's mother family.  If/when she marries, her spouse and potential children will be our family too.  Her family (mother, siblings) don't consider us or our son part of their family, and have requested no contact. Our son's father still disputes his paternity (there is NO doubt, but....) and has no contact with us, through his own choice.  I'm not sure how I would feel if he changed his mind and wanted contact... he is not a nice or good person, but we have people like that in other segments of the family, too.