APs - Does anything you've learned here make you regret choices you made regarding your adoption?

Question

Reading the stories of first moms and adult adoptees, is there anything you wish you had done differently, or wish you had known when you were in the process of adopting?

I'm assuming you are joyful to have your child in your life, and don't regret them - my question is more about information you may not have had then.

Answer 1

*Does anything you've learned here make you regret choices you made regarding your adoption?

*No, I'm very proud of my decision to adopt my son.  I don't regret a darn thing.  Not for a single minute....  ever.  

*Reading the stories of first moms and adult adoptees, is there anything you wish you had done differently, or wish you had known when you were in the process of adopting?

*I wished then and still wish that I know more about my son's living situation and whole natural family... now that they're mine too.

*I'm assuming you are joyful to have your child in your life, and don't regret them - my question is more about information you may not have had then.

*There are things that have benefitted me and my son in here (YA).  Like, I probably would have waited to tell him about his natural brother until he was older, but then I realized that that may be too late... he's 3 and he acutually asked this past weekend, if he has a brother or sister.  (Stems from us talking about his Uncle- my brother, anyway...). I just laid it all out there in simple terms for him and am glad that I did.  

I would regret it if I left here (YA) because of all the drama, and hatered of me just by being an adoptive mom to an infant...  but nope, I'm not going anywhere.

Answer 2

No, I am glad we have our son, he has a stable home where he is greatly loved and seems extremely happy.  I could not imagine him being left in the foster system being shuffled around.  He is a bright light and I think if he was left in that situation he would not thrive.

Answer 3

The stories I've read here have reinforced my determination to be honest with my son and embrace his birth family as much as we can when we are able to travel to meet them.  His birth mother speaks Spanish, and we've encouraged him to learn Spanish.  I'm in the process of learning enough that I can be conversant, though I'll never  be fluent.

It also reinforces the gratitude I have for the birth mom - what a loving sacrifice she made to give my son a chance for more in his life than she was able to provide.

I never miss a chance to tell him we love him, and I often say, "I'm a lucky mom to have you in my life."

Answer 4

ABSOLUTELY!!!

I would have done things much different. I probably would have looked more into how her family influenced her decision. I think their lack of support really weighed on her decision to place him for adoption.......

This is something I struggle with regularly. She lost someone so great and beautiful.

Answer 5

There is one very important thing I have learned since adopting my children, that is enhanced by what I have learned here on this forum.

When I adopted my first daughter from China, I thought it was great that I would never have to "worry" about birth parents, since all the children in China are abandoned and nothing is known about their original families.

Since then, I have come to see how selfish that thought was, and how inappropriate.   It is NOT a good thing that my children do not have the opportunity to learn anything about their birth families, and I hope this changes in the future.  There is some talk about forming DNA registries for families of Chinese adoptees, so in the future a search may be possible.  I hope that someday my children may indeed be reunited with their birth parents, and will do anything I can to facilitate this event.

Answer 6

Oh, you bet!  I've learned tons that I would love to have known before, during, and since the adoption.  TONS.  I wish that I had known how deeply adoption impacts the child, NO MATTER WHAT.  What I realize is that we a-parents love our children like our own.  We don't consciously think about the fact that they are adopted.  So, we assume that they don't either.  But, as I am learning, it is something that is with adoptees almost every minute of every day.  That's their reality.  And, I certainly didn't know what a battle it is for adoptees to get something as simple as their birth certificate.  We take so much for granted.

Answer 7

Nope, I have heard a lot of bad stories and some really nice one's too.  It sure makes me thankful for the wonderful relationship we have with my boys b-parents though!

Answer 8

As an adult adoptee I regret finding my birth mom on adoption.com. There is a reason that records are sealed.  No amount of curiosity in the word is worth all the trouble that is caused by an adoption reunion.

Answer 9

Nope.  I spent a bunch of time hanging out on adoption boards before we adopted, and I am an adoptee.  We made good choices in our adoption, and our son and his mother are both better off for it.

Answer 10

No regrets.  

I have learned many things on this forum, some applies to my children's circumstances, other stuff does not.  It's been interesting, to be sure.  If anything, I've gotten affirmation on my own choices as an adoptive parent.

Answer 11

It has helped me realize how important my children's relationships with their first parents will be. It has made me wish their fmom would be interested in them and try to build a relationship with them not just me.

It has made me second guess modifying my children's names.

Answer 12

Wholelottacats,

Thanks for the question.  I've been actually tossing this idea around in my head lately.  To a point, i regret not doing foster care.  My husband wants to wait until we have the parental experience of raising teens before we talk about fostering teens.  I know that makes sense.  My husband recently told me that my love for children is contagious.  He promised someday we will foster and when he retires we can go to Africa to volunteer our lives to helping others.  Yep, he rocks!

I can't go there regretting not doing foster care initially.  I wouldn't have my current children.  I think ten years ago, I couldn't have handled helping abused or neglected children.  It would have been too painful and it would have brought to the surface issues of abuse i had not yet faced.  I do want to mentor younger abuse survivors to let them know not all is lost.  Happiness can still be achieved.  That is a realization brought forth from this forum for me.

From what i've learned here i am left with alot of guilt.  Knowing the loss my daughters will face and the pain of dd's first mother, i feel like its my fault.  Then i question if we ever should have adopted in the first place.  Then i see my girls faces.  I can't imagine my life without them.  So thats part of the reason i've been gone.  Just trying to sort stuff out in my head and figure out where i stand on issues.

I wish i would have also known that expectant mother's  counseling is just another way of convincing her to place her child for adoption.  I thought it was such a great thing.  If i knew then what a know now, i would have paid for independent counseling for the expectant mothers.

Answer 13

I wouldnt have wanted to change anything reguarding my adoption. I feel that I have two wonderful parents, and anouther family who I am getting to know. Most of my questions have been answered. I am content with my life right now. Dont get me wrong, I have all the other woes of a normal family. I have debt and could do with a lottery win!!! lol But apart from that, its all good!

Answer 14

No regrets at all. What I have learned has confirmed to me that I made the right decisions and choices for my family.

Answer 15

no, because if there comes a time that I don't have info that I need, I know where to get it