APs- Where do you find the balance?

Question

As we prepare for our child, I am spending as much time as I possibly can researching and reading and thinking about the challenges my adopted child will face. I've read all the books, I've tried to educate myself as much as possible, and learn as much as I can from what adult adoptees are saying. We've made decisions regarding our adoption to proceed as "ethically" as we possibly can. So, having all of this information and recognizing the losses and issues your child may have as a result of their adoption - where do you find the balance between meeting their needs, being sensitive to the fact that they have other parents, being open and honest - and just being mom (or dad)? Do you just take it one day at a time, and make the best decisions you can possibly make for that day? Is it a constant thought in theback of your mind "How will I help them navigate this in the best possible way for them?" I guess my fear is that I'll be so preoccupied by their adoption, that I'll forget to just

Answer 1

I don't think you can do too much research prior to being matched, the more you know about how birth parents, birth families and adoptees feel regarding adoption the better feel you may have about how comfortable you will be about talking to them when you are matched.  I think it prepares you to think about a lot of what if questions that you should ask yourself, your family, the potential birth parents.  

Research after being placed with your child I think you may need to fine tune a little, meaning not so it takes time away from the child, but enough to get a feel of other's experiences in the same or similar ages, situations.  

My best advice is just to treat your child as your child.  Protect, love, be honest and supportive of them.  Just be MOM!

Answer 2

I did some research on where I could adopt from. But take all you hear on this board with a grain of salt. Yes, I mother by instincts and I have read some parenting books. I am aware that my children may wan to see their birth family some day and I have a way to make that happen. I keep in contact with the birth family through the case worker so they know how the kids are. I have had them since they were 2 days old. I treat them if they are my kids because they are. If problems crop up, I will deal with them just as if I would if they were my biological children

Answer 3

There can be such a thing as to much info. You sound like you'll be a great mom. The fact that your so worried and intellegent enough to research what questions you do have says volumes. Just love the child, take it one day at a time and you instincts will grow with the child. Once you bond all your worries will fade. Congrats and good luck with your new life.

Answer 4

You are doing the right thing by reading and researching at this point, before you have your child.   It is good to be prepared for all the possibilities, both positive and negative.

Once you become parents, your primary job is parenting.  When you actually have your new son or daughter, you will be filled with joy, and occupied with caring for him/her.   As far as the adoption issues are concerned, just take it "one day at a time," as stated in your question.  Be sure your child knows he/she is adopted right from the beginning, and that they are free to talk about it any time they wish.    Very often, days (or months, or even years) will go by and you won't even think about the fact that they are adopted.....nor will they.  Then, the issues will surface, and you'll deal with them.

Answer 5

first of all and it is the only important thing is "Be a Mom". Forget the books etc etc..you will know what to do and always tell the child you adopted them because of your love . Nothing else matters. Hats off to you for adopting...and Good Luck....remember enjoy your child and love it unconditionally.

" Congratulations Mom"

Answer 6

I think for me it is different. My husband and I adopted a newborn. He is now 3 1/2 years old. We try talking to him about the adoption. We are being open and honest and always have been. The problem is, he does not understand. He is way to young.  His birthmother visits but the truth is, I think he thinks of her like an aunt. So all of your questions about their losses etc., I don't think will come into play until the teenage years.

For now, when you do get your baby, just enjoy all the time you have with them, and be open and honest. The rest will come naturally and in due time.

Answer 7

My husband and I researched and took special needs training classes.

Our children have lived with us for 5 and 1/2 years and we still do research, read and take parent training classes when there are some we are interested in being offered.

Just as the wedding doesn't define the marriage the adoption part is NOT the only issue that defines parenting an adopted child...  We don't all get married and "decide" that we will have a "marriage problem" we don't just assume that we will have some kind of "communication" issue with our spouse--just because a lot of husband's and wives do doesn't mean we have to act like we already have the problem.... even worse how would a marriage be healthy if before the wedding we decided that we already had marriage problems--and that we were doomed to have communication issues with our spouse....

I don't think most people enter marraige expected there to be problems....  but, those people who face marriage problems directly and in a healthy way have a chance to Not end up divorced--and those people who are aware of the issues that can lead to marriage problems generally don't sit by and ignor red-flags...

With our children I don't "Assume" they will have all the negative feelings anymore then I assume my husband is cheating on me....

I have to be aware that these feelings happen--they are not uncommon---and that how I respond to my child's feelings can make a huge difference.

My approach is to watch their signs...and handle every question....every comment.....and every situation the best way I know how at the time it happens. As an adoptive mom, the number one goal I have is to be the person my kids can trust with their feelings and feel safe to ask me questions or share their feelings with.... I am not naive to think that ANY of my children will always let me in on all of the "inside" stuff they deal with--but, I do want to be the one they come to with whatever they need my help with.

Just as any person processes their lives differently at different points in time--so does an adopted person. I fully expect that my children may go through a series of stages or times in their lives when they need to put adoption and their feelings and needs about their own adoption into their own ways of thinking....

It isn't just a One Time event... It isn't just "Hey Mom I have a problem..." It is the little things in life and the little questions that allow me a glimps into what they are thinking.... For example my 6 year old (placed at 1 year) has been processing Exactly what has Happened to him... He is starting to actually understand that I was not the mom who had him in my tummy....  

Over the past several weeks he has asked several interesting little questions that let me know the wheels are turning in his little head....  The other morning while cuddled up after everyone had left for the day--He told me he like afternoon Kindergarten cus he gets me alllllllll-up to him.... Then very sheepishly he asked me... "Mommy Will You Be My Mommy When I grow up?"

Was this an "Adoption" question or not? I believe my oldest bio child asked the same kind of Question at one point.... so... how do I answer for an adopted child? Was he asking because he is dealing with Abandonment Issues--or did it just feel real good to cuddle and have me to himself...?

I told him that he is my baby and I will always his Mommy just like I am the older kids Mommy....  That My kids don't stop being my kids ever!

Answer 8

good question.  I too  am awaiting a match and spend the majority of my time reading about adoption (and cultural issues since we are pursuing domestic and china at the same time)  My minor is in child development and family relations so I am glad I kept so  many of my text books as a frame of reference.  I worry about attributing too many things to adoption and then on the other hand not giving adoption enough bearing.  I don't know how you find the balance either but hope when our child enters our lives I will find that balance.  I have a large number of friends who have adopted and I talk with them alot about this very issue.  The predominant answer I get is like any parent you do it one day at a time, one experience at a time.  I also have a good number of friends who have bio children and they worry as well about doing the right thing by their children, so maybe it is a parenting worry in general about whether you will do right by your children.   I think that research ahead of time can only arm you with valuable information.  I would rather know about the myriad number of things we could encounter and then never see them than to not know in advance and be surprised by situations I am not prepared for.  Good question

Answer 9

This is a GREAT  question.  I think before our adoption I expected it to be more like biological parenting than I now know it is.  I always knew that I would need to recognize losses, foster attachment, learn how to discuss adoption, etc.  But, once I met my daughter, saw her birthfamily's loss, saw her foster family's loss, saw my daughter's loss and grief, went through the very intentional process of attachment, and still see my daughter's fear of abandonment, my daughter's adoption issues are more at the forefront of my parenting than I imagined they would be.  This is not to say that family life is totally different than any other family.  Most of the time, we are just concentrating on living, it's just a little bit of a different perspective of my parenthood than I had.  

I do think adoptive parents can have the problem of not feeling "entitlement".  I know that's a loaded word.  But, adoptive parents do need to feel "entitled" to parent their children - their children deserve that.  I think for awhile, I did have that problem.  I was preocupied by thinking about all the loss.  I think I have made myself get over that, and I no longer "focus" on the loss, I just have a different perspective of my daughter's needs than biological parents.

eta:  I guess I'd say it's instinct, but I think instinct is fueled by knowledge.  I think I was pretty well educated before adoption, I just think the education takes on a much different meaning once you're living it.

Answer 10

Good question.  I am the kind of person that tends to make plans... contingency plan after contingency plan in an "If this, then that" scenario.  But my "planning" is never set in stone either.  

We do a lot by instinct, just knowing our children and taking our cues from them.  Sometimes we talk about adoption related issues, other days we don't. It's a matter of reading our kids and trying to determine their needs at some particular time.

We did most of our research pre-adoption, but it's an ongoing process.  

Just trust your gut.  You'll do fine.

Answer 11

I completely disagree with anyone that tells you that the issues related to adoption won't come into play until the child is older.  I was adopted at 7 weeks.  My very first memory at about 1.5 years old was thinking of my amom as "that lady".  I knew she was the most important person in my life, I called her mommy, it was her arms I went to when I fell...but I still didn't think of her as my mommy.  I secretly stored food in my closet.  Not because I ever went hungry, but just in case.  I never ate it; but I always knew it was there.  I had no idea at the time what was going on.  I did eventually come up with my own answers, but I think it would have been a lot easier if there had been some dialog.  Don't assume that just because your little one can't articulate the issues that they don't exist!  They do exist.

Think of it sort of like getting a haircut.  You spend, what? about an hour a month doing that?  Will you devote even that much time to discussing adoption?  How do you know when to get a haircut?  You look at your hair and notice that it is too long.  Sometimes a style that has worked for years just doesn't seem to be right.  So, you look for something new.  I think the secret is RESPONDING.  Respond to whatever your common sense and indications from the child tell you.  Watch for clues.  Take advantage of teachable moments.  I guarantee the child will not ask unless you have made it perfectly clear that you are open to talking about it.  I know I never asked my parents about s*x.  Nor adoption issues.  It was silently clear that in our family those were uncomfortable issues.

Answer 12

I think the best thing you can do for your child is make sure they know the truth.  If it is a possibility,  keep in touch with the birth mother.  That will reduce the pain felt by both her and the child.  

Your child will know that you are mom and dad.  You ARE mom and dad.  They will love you just like any child loves their parents.  But if you deny the connection they have to a biological family, you will hurt them.  Of course it isn't something you need to talk about every day or anything like that.  But just make sure your child has access to that connection if need be.

At least that is how my son's adoptive parents see it.  I hope that helps you.  Good luck!  I'm sure you will be a great mom.