APs: after you adopted were you surprised how often you thought of your child's first mom?

Question

Obviously this applies particularly to parents involved in closed or international adoptions. I adopted from China so I know zilch about my daughter's mama. We've been told what "might be", but nothing solid. I knew I would think about her, but I was unprepared for how often or more importantly, how intense the feelings would be. Every time gorgeous girl reaches a new milestone or does the same cute things that she does every day, my mind wanders to her first mom. Where is she? Is she okay? Does she think about her daughter? Does she wonder if she's been adopted? And then I get upset when I look at our beautiful and sassy little girl with the HUGE imagination and it hurts to think that her mom doesn't know anything about her or the person she is becoming. Hubby told me to reel it in as he thought I was becoming too mired down and that wasn't helping our daughter. But if it hurts me, then what will it be like for my baby when she's old enough to understand that she lost a mom?

Answer 1

Even though we are invonved with an open adoption, I often think about my sons family, almost everyday.

I want what is best for them. If there is something  can do to support them and give them a boost then I will.

I am suprised about how much I think and care about them.

What I wan't expecting was the absolute greif I felt when I saw her see him for the first time when he was 3 days old. I was physicaly ill for a long time. It hurt so bad to know what she was giving up. It was impossible to feel excited. I knew my son needed me, and I wanted to parent him. There was a point where I prayed that she would change her mind, not because I didn't want to parent him, but because I knew what this loss would do to them.

Now, I KNOW that he needed us and I KNOW that this is best fo rhim, but it's doesn't take away the pain of knowing what someone gave up.

Answer 2

Yes.  I think of her often, for various reasons.  I wonder if there are regrets, or how often she thinks of them.  I also think of the physical characteristics, what is coming from her and what is coming from him, from the eyes to the voice. We know a little about the bparents and I try to encourage those traits in our children.  For example, knowing there is a musical background, I encourage singing and dancing.  I know there is art in the background, so I encourage drawing, color and texture appreciation, etc.

I am hoping that one day, if they ever meet, that by encouraging some of this, there will be a lot to appreciate and embrace in one another.

Answer 3

I think about her all the time. Her picture is on my fridge. We have a closed adoption because of addiction issues, but I often wish it were open. She is also young, and spent her life in foster care. I cannot imagine her pain. I spend a lot of time taking pictures of the kids to send them to her. My heart breaks for her. I see her reflected in our son. Especially in his pain. I pray she can get her life together for both her and our children. Someday they will search for her and I will help them in anyway I can. I wish I could hug her and give her hope for the future. In my heart of hearts, I know that she will not be without her kids forever. No matter what happened while she was addicted, I know she loved them and still does.

Answer 4

I have adopted 4 children, and I do occassionaly think of their Birth mothers, but not as often. They were all offered photos, updates, letters etc, not one accepted. Perhaps the pain was too great. You seem almost Obsessed and that is not a good or healthy thing, your child will eventually pick up on it. You have a role to perform, and that is being the BEST mom possible to this child. It isn't easy for an adoptive child, they all wonder as they mature, and for some it can consume them. All of my children wonder, let's face it, I am a single, white male raising 3 bi racial kids and 1 Scandinavian, there is no way to cover up they were adopted, and so I was honest about it all their lives. The one it hurts the most is my 19 year old daughter, she truly feels unloved and it tears my heart out, she knows "Daddy" loves her, but still she never stops wondering about her real mom.

Answer 5

I know the name and location of my child's first mommy, through court records. I know the name of his father, his half-brother, and some of his extended family. It is a closed adoption by demand of the state due to the nature of the situation in which he was removed.

Our child is bi-racial. He has been offered to every family member and even to his half-brother's family..to keep them together. No one wanted him b/c of his race.

It is heartbreaking and I struggle with it daily...wondering many of the same things you do. Mostly I look at this beautiful child and his awesome spirit and determination and his unyielding love, and I wonder how so many people could not want him....could not love him just for being himself. I look into his big, beautiful, brown eyes and wonder how you could help but want him and love him. All I can do is hope and pray that one day--when he is older--they will want to accept contact from him if he decides to seek them out. I take solace in the fact that--unlike many--I have a ton of information to help him in his search. I know the road ahead may be a difficult one for him and I know he may struggle to make peace with his past. All I can do is to help him through the process, love him unconditionally, and recognize the wonderful commonalities he shares with his first family. Two people made him...everything that makes up him comes from those people and their extended families. He will share similarities and likes with us, for sure, but somewhere there are 2 people who created this child that I love more than life itself...and who loves me completely. It is our job as parents to prepare him for the future, but also to connect him to his past. All I know of his past is horrible....but one look at each little part of him tells me that there is far more to him and his first family than just the negative. I intend to focus on the positives.  

<<adoptive mommy through foster care.

Answer 6

I do, because i know her and I see a lot of her in my son.

Answer 7

Perhaps, yes.  Maybe because I don't have contact with her.

I understand exactly what you're saying and it's so good to research now and know what to say when she is asking questions.  It will hurt her, I'm sure and she may feel incommplete, but you didn't do that to her; her natural parents didn't do that either- it's the Chinese system and politics that made that situation tooo common for children in China.

Best wishes.

Answer 8

My adoptive parents died when I was young, before we ever had a chance to really discuss things like my adoption, my search and reunion, and the like.

This is a really interesting question, and it really makes me wonder now if my mom thought of my n-mom as much as I did...that's an interesting possibility!

It would actually comfort me a lot thinking that maybe she did.  Thanks for bringing this up!

Answer 9

no. we didnt know much about her, and we consider the baby as family. she even looks like us!!!!!

Answer 10

I would like to say, as a birth mom, I really appreciate adoptive parents like you.  :)