APs through foster care: how do you handle your anger at your child's first parents?

Question

I am speaking specifically about first parents that had their children taken away because they were physically or sexually abusive. We are currently in the process of adopting through foster care and are being considered as potential parents to a gorgeous little boy. A gorgeous little boy with an abused past. After being told all about his past, I must have balled for I don't know how long and hubby was enraged. This is our issue though and obviously I want to deal with this in a healthy way before we parent a child that needs us to be whole and help him cope with his traumatic past. How do you speak positively about abusive first parents to a child that remembers mostly horrors? Should you try? Or should you just validate the feelings the child does have without making excuses? Despite what they have done, they are still a part of this child and I do not want him to ever feel like their dysfunction needs to owned by him.

Answer 1

I've spent years thinking about this, and it has been a very emotional process.  But for some reason, I don't feel like putting this information out in cyber space.  If you want, I can email it to you.  Just let me know.  

Answer 2

I know what you mean it’s truly unbelievable. Children are so innocent I just can’t understand how anyone could hurt them.  I guess that saying is true the innocent get hurt first.  

Answer 3

Hey Kazi.

Be honest.  Validate the child's feelings and feel free to express your feelings appropiately.

For example in response to your child:  

"You bio-father hurt you really bad and for that I am mad and I am sorry that he did that.  It was not your fault."

"It is ok for you to be angry at them."

"They loved you (if true) but they were wrong to have hurt you."

"They hurt you and you have every right to feel mad.  Let's yell together!"

If the child remembers the abuse, chances are he will act-out before talking about it.  If you are comfortable and ASSURED that he is not angry at you, try this "I know you are angry that your bio-parents hurt you.  I am angry too.  What do you NEED from me?"

The most helpful thing for me was honesty.  To this day, I remember a foster mother sitting at the table with me and explaining what happened to me, sharing her feelings, listening to my feelings and my concerns if I was broken, and then asking me what I needed.

You can not deny the past.  The child needs to process it.  By ignoring it, the child will repress the feelings and not heal.

Best of luck to you.  You are very kind.

ETA:  

KM  stated  below - "usually the abuse isn't because of  the child"

ABUSE IS NEVER BECAUSE OF THE CHILD.  ABUSE IS NEVER THE CHILD'S FAULT....

.......no matter what the situation is. Abuse is because the adult is selfish and has no clue how to correctly parent.

Are you kidding me?

Answer 4

Depending how old this child is, you may be putting the cart well before the horse.  Our oldest foster son is 7 and he was his younger brothers primary care giver because of years of neglect.  Although he struggles daily with it's affects, he's unable to word it out and so a conversation that goes very deep is something we haven't had in the 6 months they've been with us.

He works with 2 different therapists and they are helping him understand.  We are very unhappy with the boys parents and don't understand how a person can do such things to children so innocent.  You need to seek out people that you can talk to in confidence and demonstrate a loving home to him until the time comes to have these tough conversations.  For the time though, I think it's a safe bet to say that "mom and dad made some bad decisions (usually the abuse isn't because of the child) and so they wanted you to live with us in a safe home where you can get lots of love".

What would be harder is to have to give this child back to those circumstances, and that happens on occasion.  That's where a friendly sounding board can come in handy.

Answer 5

Kazi,

Hi again. I lost the anger early on...before I left the social services office. I don't know why. It was awful...horrible. It was cruel and unloving. But, in the end, this precious little boy needs to know that his complete self is worthwhile and wanted and loved and important. Our child's situation was exascerbated by drug use. I know that drugs can cause you to do things you wouldn't otherwise do. Also, I look at the current situation. While his mom is still doing drugs and she is still not committing to seeing him or completing any plan of action (we are not yet finalized, so she has every right to call and set up an appointment to see her child), she still talks often to the social workers about how much she loves him. Ultimately, he is the combining of their DNA. Their traits came together to create this beautiful child who I love with all of my heart. Regardless of what they did wrong, I can't look at him without 'seeing' them inside of him...as a part of him...a part of him I could never be angry with or disgusted by. Am I angry with the act? Absolutely. But I have done enough in my past to warrant me never judging others. I wish she would have made better choices; I wish I would have made better choices at times too. I hate some of the things I did as a girl her age...and I hate some of the things she has done. But, ultimately, her bad actions do not completely define her--then, now, or in the future. They are actions. They are regrettable and sad. they do not define her. I try my hardest to keep this in mind at all times.

I will take my cues from him. He is young now, so it isn't discussed, but soon I will give him honest, age-appropriate answers to the questions he asks. I will give him his medical and case history when he requests it. I will let him determine for himself how he feels about his parents. I will talk about them in terms of what they DID give him, not in terms of what they took away from him. If he wants to discuss it further or get angry or cry or hit something, etc. then we will do it together. I think consistent communication is most helpful in situations like these....so that he always feels like he can come to you.

Answer 6

I turned my anger into empathy.

I was able to meet her and see a glimpse of who she really was, not just what was written down on paper. I saw that she was so very young, had spent her own youth in foster care and was never adopted. I saw past her addiction and into her pain. God, looking into her eyes was the equivelent of looking into my sons. For all the horrible choices she made, for the man she allowed to abuse my kids, she was just a young kid herself, without any hope left in her. It was like looking at my son without the benefit of adoption. So I turned my anger into empathy.

Answer 7

So sorry for his situation. I wouldn't know what to start with either- but thank god he's with a family that loves him now and would never harm him and hopefully that will be enough. Some children may even forget these things or at least put them way far behind them (depending on their age)

Answer 8

Kazi, I think you should take HIS lead and be supportive to HIM.  If you speak positively about his birthparents but he has resentments towards them for the things they did to him (and apparently it was pretty bad), he may feel that his feelings are not validated.  I would just listen to him and validate HIS feelings so he'll feel free to feel what he feels and  to verbalize it.  Sometimes kids don't need to believe that their birthparents are "angels out there somewhere tryng to find them and to get them back".  Sometimes they just need to know that they are safe where they are at and you're not going to let anything like that ever happen to them again.