About birthmom...?

Question

I have been sort of setting the idea into my boyfriend's mind about meeting his birthmom. We talk about her a lot and he said he never really thought about or wanted to meet her until I said something, but im sure he has thought about it.. I mean how could you not. Am I doing the right thing by trying to get him to meet her in person? I am not pushing him to do it, just bringing up the idea a lot. I would like to meet her too. Thanks for your answers.

Answer 1

This is absolutely none of your business. You say you aren't pushing him, but you really are. It's *his* life story, not yours. If he wants to talk about his birth mother, let him. Listen and be there for him, but don't push him one way or the other when it comes to whether or not he wants to meet her. If he met her and it turned out badly, he would ultimately blame you for it. Stay out of it!

Answer 2

My mom made the mistake of making me meet my birth Dad. I had no intention of ever meeting him. It stirred up so many hurt feeling for me. I still can't forgive him for leaving me. Let him choose, and when he does choose support him either way.

Answer 3

Leave it be.  It's a VERY personal decision for him.  If he wants to, he will, if he doesn't, he won't.  Don't bring it up, let him.  Just because you want to meet her, doesn't mean he does.  Even if he says something or you *think* he wants to, does not mean you are right.

Answer 4

So what are you going to do if she still has a drug problem and is a bitter nasty person? Most people spend their lives trying to get away from bad parents, and you are pushing him to bring one in?

I know that you think you are helping him, but sometimes there is not a "hole". Sometimes there are just very vague, very bad memories. My husband chose to meet his biological family(his mom died) and he was not ready to face the past and all the memories that came back. It is bad, because he remembers being abused, but can't remember which family member it was. The fear came back just like when he was 6 years old. And now he can't remember who he is so scared of.  We now only have contact with one aunt, and she can't understand why we won't have anything to do with the rest of the family.

One day I hope my children(adopted) will be able to have a relationship with their mom. But I certainly don't want them to make that move until they are ready. Drugs make people do awful things, and they need to be ready for whatever they find, and be mature enough to get away from her again, if needed. If your boyfriend is not ready, don't push it!

Answer 5

Don't push him.  It is not your job, or your right.  No one should push him.  He may assume he should or shouldn't based on your ideas.  Support him to do whatever he wants and help him feel good about it either way.  That is what a real friend does.

It may backfire if you or anyone else pushes him.  Then he may make a decision that is not right for him.

There is no right or wrong answer about meeting one's birthmother.  It is a deeply personal issue.  

I have seen even adoptive parents push their child to meet their birthmother and it turn out to be a huge emotional trauma for the child.  I have also seen a husband push a wife to never meet her birthmother and that turn out to be a huge trauma.  Leave this issue to him, and truly support him so matter what.  Actually, it is a little late for that because you have already pushed him.  Back off from the issue and let it be.  He will decide for himself.

Answer 6

do not push him..let him make the decision..you sound a bit like it is your mission and it is not..would he want to find her if you were not in his life?..maybe not...I am a birth mom who found her son after 36 yrs. we have a wonderful relationship..he calls me mom...thanks me for giving him life etc...but he always wanted to find me like I wanted him..his brother and sister do not have a desire to find their birth parents..so it is too individual a decision for your BF to influenced by you or anyone else

Answer 7

Being an adoptee also, I agree with everyone else here. This decision must come from your boyfriend. There are too many things that can go wrong if he is pushed into meeting up with his Mum. It is a situation that requires a lot of sensitivity and caution, and I feel that although your intentions are good, you dont realize the harm that could be done. Let him decide, and support him in his decision what ever that may be. All the best to you both x

Answer 8

It sounds like you want to meet her and your trying to talk him into. It should be there own idea. Maybe he has never thought about it because of some of what he remembers

Answer 9

Don't push the issue with him.  This is something that needs to come naturally.  It sounds like there is a lot of history with them and he may need more time to heal those wounds.  Please realize that he may never reach a place in his life when he feels he needs to meet her in person again.  

Not all people who are adopted whether at birth or as children have that undying need to meet their birth parents.  Your curiosity should not play a role in this.  You are pushing it if you are bring up the idea a lot.  Don't guilt him into doing something he does not want to do, it will only lead to resentment later.

Answer 10

I'm an adoptee too. I just tried to imagine my fiance urging me to meet my bio mother. I'm just not sure. I would probably wonder what his obsession was, lol. I might feel pressured to do it and I wouldn't care for that.

It's very difficult because you don't know what the outcome might be. It could be a very healing experience for both of them. On the other hand, it might stir up all kinds of feelings of anger and guilt.

If the situation turns out bad, would your boyfriend maybe become resentful toward you for encouraging it? It's something to keep in mind.

If he seems angry already, that would be a good indication that it might not be best for him to meet her. But, like you said, he wants you to push him (don't remember your exact words). So, on some level, he wants to I would assume.

I would certainly try to stay toward encouraging and supporting him in the decision and away from urging or pushing him to. Good luck and I hope he makes the decision that's right for him.

Answer 11

you need to let him make that choice sometimes it turns out well and some times it turns out terrible. i have a cousin who just recently meet her father he was never really in her life she talked to him on the phone a couple times. im going to copy paste what she wrote on her myspace page after she meet him....

Well growing up I never knew my father. I knew his name he lives in Michigan he's a Ministrie and I have 4 older brothers from him. When I was 15 years old I called around in Michigan till I got a phone # on Fathers Day. I had no idea what to say to him when I talked to him. I called him and said Happy Fathers Day John this is your daughter. We talked for a few hours about my life the past 15 years and why I never met him. The next time I talked to him I was 17 and pregnant. He sounded disapointed so I didn't call him anymore. Since then I did alot of moving around. Now im 19 years old and my babys father called me and said your fathers looking for you. He gave me a # to reach him at. I called him and he said I want to meet you. I was living in Florida at this time. He said im flying there in 2 days. Do you think you and your mom can pick me up from the airport? I said yes. I was so excided! My mom my moms new boyfriend my 20 month old daughter and I picked him up. He made plans to take my mom my daughter and I to Orlando for a night we stayed at a hotel. Around 10:00 at night my daughter finally fell asleep. I went outside to smoke a cigarette and talk to my babys father. When I came inside my father grabed my phone from me. He said it was to late to be on the phone. Then he said to me you need disapline. He threw my phone then he picked it up and threw it at me. The next morning he was so mean to me. He told me if I was dying not to call him. And that he never wanted to see me again. So for my whole life I waisted my time wondering what my father was like now I feel really disapointed and hurt. I cant believe after 19 years of my life never knowing what he was like. And learning he was a peice of ****. And he's suppost to be a Ministrie!!!!

Answer 12

you know, it really is up to your boyfriend. i am adopted, too, and yes, i search for my mom but its because i made that choice. sometimes, in some cases, it's better to leave things as they are. i mean, he may not think about his birth mom because he's content with the way his life is already, you know? you never know-- he may walk into her life unexpectedly, and she's married to somebody that she never told she had a child in the past. there are a lot of factors to consider, and that's all on him.

Answer 13

well, from an experienced foster parent who has a child whos parents do the same thing (drugs) I can say that it has been a long time since our child has seen his father and doesn't really care, he says he never wants to see him again and he isn't 6 yet.  I think your pushing your bf for selfish reasons of your own.  Let it be and let him move at his own pace.  He is the one who was taken / given up and not raised with his mother because of HER choices...don't push him!

Answer 14

I am not adopted, but had a boyfriend that had a mother that was an alcoholic and later a drug user.  She was a super nice person when I first met her, but as the years went on, her true colors came out.  She would verbally abuse him (HORRIBLY) and after he kicked her out she would stand outside his appartment and throw rocks at his windows until he gave her money!!  Not joking.  The emotional damage a birthmother can cause a grown man is absolutely devastating to watch... and that is all a girlfriend can do, really.  

I would drop the topic for a week or so, and see if HE brings it up.  Then support him in opening the book, or keeping the chapter closed.  His heart will know what is best.  And I am SURE he knows that you love him - you are a very nice girlfriend.