About suicide. Criticism?

Question

i find myself thinking of his pen.

the pen clenched in his shaking hand,

anxiously scribbling "it's never worth it."

feet away

watching

as he ended his life.

an accomplice to my friend's suicide,

i hate this pen.

i find myself thinking of his gun.

the gun he held in his shaking hands,

complying with his demand

to fire.

an accomplice to my friend's suicide,

i hate this gun.

i find myself thinking of him.

the friend whose last minutes of life

were spent in

sadness.

the pen and gun blinded his senses,

leaving only an option of desperation.

i miss my friend.

Answer 1

This is a really heartfelt and sad poem and i loved it a lot.I have wrote poems of suicide many times and have known many who have gone there' but your poem really touched my heart,,,  

Answer 2

I really like what you're doing here. There were a couple line breaks you could look at to strengthen it, but the overall structure is interesting. I think you may want to consider the feelings of anger that come with those around the suicide. You may want to end with something like:

i find myself thinking of him.

the friend whose last minutes of life

were spent in

sadness.

the pen and gun blinded his senses,

leaving only an option of desperation.

i hate my friend.

i miss my friend.

As far as the line breaks go let me give you an alternative to see how you might strengthen them. Look at this portion as an example:

i find myself thinking of him.

the friend whose last minutes (by putting the break on minutes it plays off of life better)

of life were spent (breaking on nouns and verbs is generally much stronger than breaking on prepositions).

in sadness.

It's a good poem.

Answer 3

Wow, well written. My friend committed suicide and the thoughts that came with it were very much associated with anger and hatred, as well as obviously the feelings that would come with any other death. This is very well written and explains the anger well.

I think that if you gave the 'pen' and 'gun' capital letters it would sort of personify them and make them seem more like the murderers. This could enhance the meanings and allow the poem to be interpreted in another way.

Answer 4

that is deep!