About telling your adopted children that they are adopted?

Question

Obviously it's best to tell them as early as possible, but what age would you consider old enough for them to understand? How would you tell him/her? What would you say? Or...if you've already been through this, what did you say & how did you help them to understand it?

Answer 1

They will understand in stages, at their own pace.  As AP's, our job is to give them the information - it is their job to process it, however they see fit.  It is then our job to support them in how they process it.

As babies, adoptees will "understand" that their biological mother is not the one holding them, talking to them, that it is not her heartbeat they hear when snuggling against your chest.  As an adoptee gets older and develops cognitive abilities, critical thinking skills, social skills, etc, their understanding of their situation will grow to include how their situation reflects what they are currently learning about life.

I am not an adoptee, but as a 32 year old woman, I am still processing things from my childhood as they relate to current events.  Just the other day, I made a huge personal discovery, and came to understand how something that happened to me as a baby is still affecting my choices today.

Self-awareness is a lifelong process, and it begins at day one.  It is each individual's job to process their own self-awareness, adopted or not.  We can only support our little people in their efforts.

Answer 2

I don't think it should ever be a question of "when should we tell them."  It is who they are, it is how you became a family, it is THEIR story.  

There are all kinds of age-appropriate books, starting very young, that talk about adoption.  Quite a few of the APs I know made their own.  Start reading to them about adoption, and in particular, their story, before they even understand what you are saying.  It's nothing to hide from them or reveal at some specified point.  It's their life.

Having some "big reveal" at whatever age you decide - 4, 6, 8, 12 - will make it seem like it was something for them to handle, or something to keep from them until they were "ready."

Also, let them know they can always ask any question, however difficult you may find it to answer.  It's not about your comfort level, it's about them.

Answer 3

I dont view it as a formal sitdown discussion - our son's adoption is an integrated part of his story and life so we talk about it casually.  There wont be any bombs dropped when he is 10.

There are some young simple adoption stories that you can read to your child to get the discussion going.  There is also a site www.letstalkadoption.com where you can learn about the various ages and how to discuss adoption.

Good luck.

Answer 4

honestly everyone has there own way...my niece and nephew are adopted and weve told them from the begining..theyre 7 and 10 years old...but its a special situation..the reason for there adoption is my sister passed away...

but i have a very close friend that found out he was adopted when he was 15 years old and he was very upset that they waited so long to tell him..

so i dont know which is better to late or too soon =/ either way its not going to be easy..my heart goes out to u

-good luck!

Answer 5

tell them your mommy and daddy didnt want you so they gave you to me

Answer 6

I'm at the other end of the story, I'm afraid. I gave my daughter up for adoption and I'm wondering what I'll tell her when she finds out about me.

[Her adoptive parents will be telling her 'when the time is right'. She's about 4++ years old right now.]

Answer 7

Having had no experience in Adoption yet, I will say (from a parents POV) that openness and honesty is the best way to raise your children.

Remember that children will not be children forever. They might not have a full understanding of what it happening as a child, but they will remember and process it as adults. They will remember what you did and said to reassure them, and if you do it right they will enter adulthood as healthy people. Tailor your explanation to the child's age, and always keep yourself open to questions from the child.

NEVER KEEP ADOPTION A SECRET FROM YOUR CHILD!

The key ,in my opinion to good parenting is treating your children with respect.

Remembering always that they are humans and have human feelings.

If your child is sad when he/she thinks about their adoptive family, encourage the child to talk to you, and reassure him/her that their feelings are perfectly OK.

We as parents can never know how it must feel to be an adoptee, but  what we can do is help our children through their feelings as best we can.

Answer 8

My son is 3 and he knows where he was born and that I went to pick him up and we flew home on a plane together when he was a baby.

If he asks more questions I plan to tell him in the simplest way that I can.  As he grows up I will give more details, if asked.

Answer 9

I would tell them from day one, "You are extra special because you are adopted, which means you have two sets of parents - one who looked after you while you were growing into a baby and one who looks after you now. We are the ones looking after you now and we love you very much." Like literally from day one [as in, before they can even talk if you've adopted that early], so they grow up knowing it...

to help them understand I guess you just have to let them ask as many questions as they want and make it clear that questions are ok :P

Answer 10

maybe you should tell them from an early age that they have another mummy and daddy somewhere else in the world and they loved them very much. They are very lucky that they have two mummies and/or daddies that love them. Most children only have 1. Tell them that no matter what, you will always love them and that is the main thing.

Also Baby Dust, (in ur dp).

Good luck with everything, :-)

Answer 11

It should not be a "tell them once and you're done" sort of thing. Children will process the information differently at different ages.

As an example, we have been telling our son his story since the beginning, but he has latched onto different parts of it, and had questions about different parts of it at different stages. (We adopted him at 13 months old. He's now 7.5 years old.)

You will be surprised how many times you *think* they understand something, then hours/days/months later you realize that they didn't understand it quite as well as you thought -- or something that they "knew" and took in stride at age 3 becomes a major source of questions at age 7.

Although we don't talk about adoption on a daily basis at home, I think it's important  to bring it up often enough that your child knows that they can talk about it whenever they want (not only on the adoption anniversary, etc.) and that you can learn about what questions they have at that point in time.

Answer 12

if you can, make a scrapbook about your childs adoption story.  I made mine more about her first mother, adoption agency, foster mom, and court.  It ended with a picture of us as a family.  My daughter at 10 still looks at that book.  She only had a few questions about the adoption process because it was explained so well in her book.

She has always known the word adoption.  I follow the child's lead.  So i grew in your tummy right.  Yes, you grew in mama R's tummy.  (i tried not to say no and make it a negative)

I wish i grew in your tummy.  You know sometimes i wish that too.  Then i remember you wouldn't be you if you grew in my tummy.  Your dark curly hair, your beautiful brown skin, i love you just  the way you are and i wouldn't change a thing.  I even love your stinky feet!  Then we would cuddle as we go thru first moms pictures and see what features they shared.

Did my first mom love me?  This one was very serious for me.  She has always loved you and she always will.  I bet not one day goes by that she doesn't think of you and pray that you are okay.  How do you know?  Because I'm a mom.  You carry and love the baby before its even born.  There is a bond that the two of you share and it will be there forever.  Its very important to me that we love, honor and respect your first mom.  Can we pray for her.  Yes, i'd like that.  I'm sure she's in pain and missing you.

If my first mom loved me so much why did she place my for adoption?  I can't really speak for first mom but i know what she told me.  She said that her older daughter struggled not having a father.  That he said he was coming for a visit and they would wait all afternoon and he would never show up.  For you, she wanted you to have a mom and a dad.  Thats about all i can say.  That would be a good question for you first mother someday.  I don't really feel comfortable talking for her.  Yeah, I love my daddy.  I can't imagine someone not having a daddy.  Hes really hairy but i love him, he's a great dad.

Kids at school keep saying you can't be my parents.  They say that your my stepmom or foster mom but not my real mom.  Do you think they are confused about adoption.  Yeah.  Its up to you, do you want me to come to your class and teach them about adoption or do you want to handle it on your own.  No, its time you come in and explain it.  I'm getting sick of dealing with it everyday.  Her dad and i went in and talked to the class explaining that we are her real parents and all about our adoption story.  The kids raised their hands afterwards and we answered questions.  She has not had to deal with one question since.

They will ask questions, answer them honesty and directly.  The less fluff the better.  Good Luck.  You can email me anytime.  Sorry couldn't get the darn spell check to work.