Absent Dad since second grade, now 30 and feeling a pull to get into contact with him......

Question

He was abusive to me, but that was so long ago and really I am just feeling that it has been so long and the realities of growing up without a Dad and NEVER holding him accountable for it are setting in. That isn't to say that my contact with him would be a yellfest, quite the opposite actually.

I am worried about it having a negative effect on the rest of my family as they have no desire to ever have anything to do with him ever again. Quite possibly he will also choose to ignore my attempt at contact. I am torn and am not quite sure what to do. I have his phone number and mailing address from a people search I did a few months ago.

Advice?

Answer 1

dik  

Answer 2

It's up to you, but be warned:  He may not want to have anything to do with you, and that's not your fault.  He has had a life apart from you for over 20 years now, and chances are he won't be interested in having any type of relationship with you.  My two-cents worth:  Since he was abusive to you when he was in your life, and he ignored his responsibility to you when he left you, I say leave well enough alone.

Answer 3

I think you should do some more research on where he is in his life. Does he have a good job? Is he stable? What were the specific details of his life with you? what happened when he left? Would he be happy to see you or ashamed? why is the rest of your family is keeping him out? does he still have the sme issues. where does he live what is he doing in his life now that would make it okay for you to forgive him and make a connection. Where is his life going

and how is seeing him going to change the course of yours?

if you can answer all these questions and decifer why its important to you and if you hink its a good idea then go for it.

Answer 4

It is one thing to hold him accountable and it is another to find yourself able to completely forgive him for what he did to you.  You have to find that out for yourself.  If you feel you must contact him then I would, but remember those emotions may get the better of you, and it could be a yellfest.  

Answer 5

Dont worry about what your family thinks. You cant walk around trying to please everyone else. If it is something you really want to do then go for it. You only live once and if you dont meet him and later decide to and find out he passed away you might regret not doing it.

But you have to weigh the options. Dont go into it expecting something out of it. You dont know him or what he thinks and you have to be prepared to be rejected again in a worse case senario. Are you strong enough to handle or have to relive everything if it doesnt go plesant... Just prepare yourself mentally and go for it. He may have changed but to ashamed to contact you or he may just be a heartless man and not care.. Be careful in whatever decision you make and be prepared.. thats the best advice I can give you.. GOOD LUCK!!!

Answer 6

I think you should.  You deserve to know why.  But when you do get in contact with him, don't bring that up first thing.  Take things slow.  If he chooses to ignore your attempt, then at least you could say that you tried.  Then it will be on him.  

Answer 7

How similar our situations are.  I'm 30 and recently had a pull to get in contact with my mother who abandoned me when I was four.  I did get in contact with her, asked her questions, and found that she was still playing the victim.  Everyone was against her and instead of her leaving me, I was "taken" from her which I know wasn't true because I remember her willingly giving me up.  I haven't spoken to her since because I can't have a relationship with someone who won't tell me the truth.

Only you can decide if you're ready to do this but don't have high expectations in case he has no desire or wants to tell you things that are untrue.  People can change but it's rare.

As for the rest of your family, they are not you.  They may be upset that you want to get in contact with him but it's your own peace of mind you should be concerned about.  I have that peace of mind now.  Yes, I'm still a little upset that my mother isn't willing to have the relationship that I wish we could have but now I know.  I wouldn't have known if I didn't contact her.

Answer 8

Are you better off with him in your life or not?

Are you comfortable not knowing what he's like now, or does it bother you?

Would you be upset to learn that when you finally do make contact, you learn that he died 5 years back?  Or 5 weeks?

The answers to these questions may help you decide which way to go.

There is no reason that you have to tell the rest of the family at this point.  And it may be that some of them have already done this, and learned that your biological father is nobody that they want to know any further.  This would explain why they don't want any more contact.

Answer 9

You don't want to live your life thinking whatif...  Whatever happens doesnt' really matter, you will know that you tried and gave him a chance.  Tell him he has your forgiveness no matter what and go on with your life.  The rest is in his hands and gods.  Pray for peace in your heart.

Best wishes...

Answer 10

I wouldn't. Are you happy-do you have a good life?

You don't need him or need to know why...what's done is done and you don't that negativity around you.

The best sort of revenge is silence.

He has to live with himself-you don't and your kids need to see you be a strong person.