Accepting infertility?

Question

How on earth do you do this?

I'm 36 and have one child - conceived naturally against the odds as both my partner and I have minor fertility problems which made it very hard to get pregnant.

I desperately want another baby but we're getting nowhere with our "trying" and I'm getting closer to my 37th birthday. We won't be able to access IVF or anything like that because of the cost and adoption wouldn't be an option because of how hard it is to be approved in the UK (and the cost of overseas adoption).

When do you set yourself a limit, say "I will stop trying" and try to live with it and live with the pain? Its just so painful to even consider "accepting" I won't be able to have anymore children, I don't know how to go about doing it

Answer 1

I'm also infertile.  I'm 21, hubby's 29, we're both healthy, don't drink, don't smoke, and don't do drugs. We've been TTC #1 ever since our wedding October 19th 2006 for 22 months and 23 menstrual cycles.  I've accepted the fact that I'm infertile and can't have children.   I found out that some of the medication I was on as a teenager made me infertile(I was on Zoloft and Paxil).  My health insurance doesn't cover infertility testing or treatments, and we're too poor to afford to pay for out of pocket expenses.   There's no point in even trying anymore in my opinion.  Besides your considered sterile by doctors if you don't pop out a baby within 12 months.  We can't even adopt, because my husband is a non USA citizen, I was in the mental hospital at 14 and once at 15, and we're too poor to afford the adoption costs, even adopting from foster care is not  an option for us.  We're afraid that my stays in the mental hospital will disqualify me from adopting since most adoption agencies don't let people who have had mental illness adopt.

Answer 2

Hey there,

I'm not going to pretend to have all the answers. The truth is, it's very painful and we're stuck in this state between wanting/hoping and suffering.

I have said almost every month for the last 6 months that I want to stop. Every month I struggle when I get my period and experience suffering/depression. Frustration peaks as does a sense of hopelessness about it. But by the next cycle, when I'm about to ovulate I just can't not try. And so it goes on.

I wish I had an answer for you - I don't know how to accept it either. But know that you're not alone. And so many of us just keep trying. You can do it. Just don't give up. I think you wi;ll know when it is truly time to let it go.

Good luck.

Erin

Answer 3

hey I am in the same boat as you are. I am 38 years old with an 8 year old son who I love very much and a wonderful hubby.

But me and my hubby want a baby of our own. We have been trying for seven months now and nothing every time I come on I just cry all the time it hurts me so much the want of another child.

I am not giving up my hope of having another child.

If you got one then there is hope for you to try again for another one.

I have faith in you.

My son is from another relationship my hubby has adopted him as his, he has a grown up daughter. But it upsets me beause I want to have his child so much, I miscarried at christmas last year.

I might have to go for adoption myself if I cannot have one naturally.

it's a ***** when you want something so bad and you just cannot reach for it.

My advice is to continue to try and be strong and never say never you have hope.

be strong and loads of baby dust to you.

I get depressed when my period comes remember your not the only one.

Answer 4

I have no idea I am 22 and have tried to have one for 4 years now and cant get pregnant

Answer 5

Well you still have hope - you are not out of the age range for getting pregnant. Pray every day - miracles happen! In the meantime, enjoy your precious little boy! There are so many of us who are still trying to have baby #1, so believe it or not there are many women who would love to be in your situation.

Blessings!

ps - have you tried things to help in your fertility such as the BabyComp or PreSeed?

Answer 6

Dont give up hope, you have had one miricle child..whats and who's to say you wont have another. I am currently TTC myself and last month i was diagnosed with Polycystic Ovaries (PCOS) and i am due to start taking Metformin next month. I was obviously devastated when i found out about this but im trying to keep positive and have my fingers crossed that this will work.

Chuck any ovulation tests you may be using out and just have s*x at least every other day between day 9 -day 18 and dont make it obligation s*x....have fun. Using them tests and counting days praying your period wont come is agony i went thru it myself for a long time. and stress will not help!

Trust me i know its hard, but at least you know its happend before why not again? Keep your chin up and dont admit defeat. There is still hope

Lots of baby dust for us both. Good luck xx

Answer 7

My heart goes out to you. I was born with a rear condition where I was born without a uterus. I was told in my teens that I had to healthy ovaries. Last year I married my childhood sweetheart. I knew we needed a surrogate. I'm now 32 years old. On Mother's Day my husbands cousin told us she wanted to be our surrogate. We where over joyed. Mainly because we didn't have the financial means to pay a surrogate. We went to an RE that treated me as a teen. She began me on  IVF treatment, and began my surrogate on treatment to prepare her uterus. Everything was on track till my ovaries would not respond to the follistim. My cycle was cancelled two weeks ago. The fear now is I my have Premature Ovaries Failure. My RE isn't sure. I was devastated. I spent most of my adult life try to accept God's will that I would never carry, but now there is a chance I will never have my own biological children. It hurts so bad. It's like they opened open an old cut for me. At least you have your one child. Never give up. I'm trying everyday to say this to myself, and so I know how hard it is to live in hope. I really wish you all the best.

Answer 8

Why do you need to accept it at the moment? Have you visited your GP to see if you qualify for treatment on the NHS? Where I live you are allowed one cycle of IVF on the NHS if you are under 40. Give your GP a call you may be entitled to it. I hope you get the result your looking for. In answer to your question how do you accept it, I don't think personally I can. I'm 30 and have had 3 failed IUI's been trying for 7 years and feel like I could never give up. One day I may have to, like you when the NHS treatments run out I won't be able to afford to pay privately but am considering egg sharing. Good luck :-)

Answer 9

I'm sorry you are going through all this building up of hopes only to disappointed.  I know that having had one child doesn't change that longing in your heart to have another.

We tried to conceive for two years, but we drew the line pretty early on, we stopped after trying Clomid.  That was all I could handle, I just hated being a "lab rat" and getting all those test, and tracking and all the ups and downs.

Why is it so hard to be approved for adoption in the UK?  That's really too bad--I'm sure there are lots of amazing children out there who need a family like yours.

It may be worth trying to go that route, though, if you think adoption could be the right thing for you.  We are currently going through the process to be able to do a foster care adoption of 2-3 siblings.   Once we stopped the medical route and and started the adoption route, it was a blessed relief for me.  No more doctors, tests, etc.  I would much prefer to fill out paperwork, go to seminars and be interviewed.  The waiting is the hard part (it's been a year since we started the adoption process), but this way seems more certain than trying to conceive.

I really hope you are blessed with another child, or that you are blessed with a peace beyond understanding that allows you to stop trying and accept the situation you have unfortunately been given.

Answer 10

Well never say never. You're only 36, you have at least a lot of time left. I think however you stop stressing and say if it happens, it happens. You have one healthy child which is a lot more than many people get.

Answer 11

I completely understand, I have lost 2 children and can't have any of my own. It is horrible not to be able to have a little one and to have them taken away so quickly.   What is NHS?  All I can say is if you read other question I have answered you will see that with time you will be okay.  Be thankful for what you have right in front of you.  This is coming from someone who has been through it all.  Good Luck~  

Answer 12

may be this link can help you...

goodluck!

Answer 13

i hate to say this but you have a child already some people never get the chance

Answer 14

It has got to be one of the most difficult things to accept in life, even if you already have one child.  I agree with you.  I had one daughter and had three miscarriages in between.  I had about every test possible done, and the doctor told me that some women can't carry a baby while on Prozac.  I went off and finally carried a pregnancy all the way through and had my son.

My kids were born when I was 32 and 38.  

Something else to look at.  A friend of mine tried for years and couldn't get pregnant.  Her husband found out he was borderline diabetic after they adopted two teen daughters.  He also had a low sperm count.  After getting the diabetes under control by diet alone, they got pregnant twice and now have two biological little boys!

I wish I had to words to comfort you and help you decide, but what I did during those five years was talk to God and tell him that I would not give up.  I remember telling him, "If you have a plan for me, please let me know why.  I am not giving up until I know the reason I should only have one child."

Good luck.  I'm not a religious person, but you are in my prayers.

Answer 15

If you have a great support system with your husband and first child, you will get through this.  You need to allow yourself to grieve...

Try and look at the positive side that despite odds you were able to have one child, your miracle baby.

There is nothing I can say to ease your pain...you will get through this difficult time.