Adjusting to a new family.....our son is from Korea and has been with us 2 years.?

Question

He still does not sleep thru the night and insist on holding on to my hail all day and night. He suffers from bad seperation.

Any suggestion. He is in school 2 days a week. I work part time and its starting to take it's toll on me.

Answer 1

We went through a less severe form of this. we got some information from http://www.attach-china.org/ and from books on attachment. We also went through some counseling for a while. One thing I found helpful was using joint compressions and deep pressure (ask on occupational therapist who works with kids about these). If helped her feel more secure and she needed it to begin to feel safe and secure. She is nearly six now and still asks for it, but since we implemented it, she has  had a huge decrease in nightmares and anxiety. Book on sensory integration can be helpful too. Children who are abandoned or loose early caregivers through adoption can have similar difficulties and the interventions be beneficial.

Answer 2

You've gotten a lot of good advice (Grapesgum, Gershom, Erin, Isabel, etc.) so I won't repeat that too much (I can ramble on plenty without it!). As some have said, I wouldn't jump to the conclusion that this is adoption related, as most of it sounds well within the range of normal for the age, and it can stigmatize children to think that they have been permanently messed up by adoption (not that they have losses, because they do have losses, but parents assuming that they have been somehow mentally disabled by adoption can be harmful) . And there can be other things than adoption that can cause issues, such as sensory processing difficulties, ADD, etc.

On the other hand, it is important not to discount possible adoption related issues, particularly attachment, and I agree that the Attach China yahoo group is a good place to look for that. (do be careful with attachment therapies, though, because some therapies (rebirthing, extremes of holding) can be very harmful) There can be attachment issues, even when the child was adopted young, due to separation from the mother and institutionalization issues, and certainly it is normal for the child to be traumatized by having everything in their world change (sights, sounds, smells, language, clothing, etc.), and even moreso if you did not travel to Korea to adopt him (not sure if that was your situation, but you said he "came over"). Some of these things can lead to a fear of abandonment or other fears that can make things hard for him.

So, as with much of adoption parenting, and parenting in general, things are complicated and you will be sitting with your child in the paradox. But it actually may not be that important to determine (in a young child)  if something is adoption related or not. The important thing is to start from where you are, and work for what is best for the child and the family. And there you can't go wrong with attachment parenting techniques. Co-sleeping has already been mentioned, and can work really well. It sounds as if you may be doing that already, if he won't let go of your hair. There can be modifications also, for instance in our family our daughter (will be 4 in February) sleeps in her own bed in the same room with us. Sleeping together can really help to reassure kids at night.

Another aspect of attachment parenting is babywearing. Three is too old for full time babywearing, of course, as he would not allow it! But if you have a good carrier made for older kids (an Ergo, or a more traditional Asian Baby Carrier like a Mei Tai (we love our Sachi Mei Tai!)) you can still "wear" him some of the time. Maybe regularly half an hour once or twice a day? Maybe as needed when he seems to be especially anxious, maybe after you've been apart, maybe transition to nap or bedtime--there can be lots of times it might help.

Yet another aspect of attachment parenting is Positive Discipline. A couple of books I like on that subject are: >Becoming the Parent You Want to Be<, by Laura Davis and Janis Keyser; and >Easy to Love, Difficult to Discipline< by Becky A. Bailey. She has another book I really like called >I Love You Rituals< which has a lot of wonderful rhymes and fingerplays and games that are great for developing a loving relationship with your child.

Here is a nice article on attachment parenting and developmental stages that deals with adoptive families. I especially like it because, though it is brief, at each stage of development it mentions Normal Life Issues, Adoptee Issues, and Positive Parenting Responses.

http://adoption.families.com/blog/attach...

I'm not sure which part of it you mean is taking a toll on you. By where you placed it, it sort of sounds as if it is at least partly your working (on top of everything else), and if that is true then I agree that maybe you should stop working outside the home for awhile, while he is still small.

On the other hand, and I know some will disagree with me here, I think it can be good for both kids and parents to have some space from each other (for the kids it would be not being watched all the time and getting to make mistakes and fix them, get into disagreements with other kids and work them out, etc.). And >IF< there are no serious attachment problems, then it can actually be good for the child's sense of trust for the parent to go away and come back, consistently. If there really are attachment issues, this could be a harmful thing, though, so it is good to know first.

I feel for you (my daughter was super clingy for a long time), hang in there, take time for yourself if you are getting too stressed--it will make you a better parent.

EDITED TO ADD:

A couple more ideas:

Does he have an attachment object, like a special blanket or stuffed animal or something? If he doesn't, it might not be too late to try to introduce one--that can help a lot with comfort and anxiety. (and if you do try to introduce one, make sure it isn't something unique an irreplaceable!)

You may want to make him a small photo album. They have padded plastic ones that say "Who loves baby" or similar at most baby stores. Put in pictures of yourself and others that love him. The one our daughter has even has our dogs. That can help a lot when he is missing you, or missing someone else. Our daughter now mostly uses it when we are on vacation and she is missing the dogs, but she used to use it a lot when she was missing us. You can switch pictures out, too. Her best friend moved a ways away and we put his picture in there for between visits.

EDITED to add 2:

Also try reading the book: Owl Babies, by Martin Waddell.  In it the 3 babies owls wake up and their mother is GONE! They each have different ways of thinking about this, and they express different anxieties that kids feel. In the end the mother owl COMES BACK! And the baby owls are all happy and the mother owl reassures them. Very good for attachment and separation anxiety. There are some other great books on this theme mentioned in this blog:

http://awrungsponge.blogspot.com/2006/10...

EDITED to add 3:

I just was reading a very useful book called: Parenting Preschoolers with a Purpose: caring for your kids and yourself, by Jolene L. Roehlkepartain. It seems to have a lot of really helpful strategies and down to earth advice. I know your son isn't quite this age yet, but I think the strategies (especially the self-care strategies) can be really helpful anyway.

Oh, and for what it is worth, here is my "meta-theory" of parenting: Read a lot of different books, Ask advice from many different sources, think about the different advice and pick out the pieces you like best and discuss them with your partner (if any) so you can be more or less on the same page -- AND THEN -- be prepared to throw any and all of it out and start over when confronted with the actual child and the actual situation!  In other words, it is great to ask for advice from other parents and from experts, but in the ultimate picture your child is unique and you have to experiment to find what works best for him (her) -- and then be prepared to change again when they change.

A great challenge. Nothing else is so hard. Nothing else is so rewarding. Best of luck to you!

Answer 3

Yahoo Answers is a great group for opinions on issues, but not really the best place for information about attachment.  The attachChina group is a great group to discuss attachment difficulties and get good suggestions for attachment techniques.  You don't have to have adopted from China.  Please do deal with this now.  Attachment problems only get worse if not dealt with.  Also, the book "Toddler Adoption, The Weaver's Craft" is a great book in dealing with fostering attachment in toddlers while also meeting their need to become more independent.

Answer 4

Please please please visit http://www.informedadoptions.com/ and

http://www.SoulOfAdoption.com

I have found adoptive parents on those forums who really GET IT, have been there, are experienced with numerous "extras" that come with adoption, especially international adoptions and foster care adoptions, they hold compassion and understanding for the adoptees in their homes. Please, they can help you better than myself....go there. please.

I ache every time I see this..... or situationis like this, its really triggering for me, being an adoptee and advocate for adoptees. They don't prepare or talk about this happening, but it happens more than anyone would like to admit.

I would say co-sleep, and continue the re-assurance that you're never going to leave him. Stay as close as you can to him as much as possible and never let him go. The adoptee in my crys, because I understand the constant fear of abandonment. I still have it, and I'm 27.

Answer 5

It's not his fault and it's totally understandable. He needs Mommy to consistently be there for him when he needs her, to be reassured.

Mom being away at work and a 3 year old in 'school' is not going to help at all.

Be there for him when he needs you, not just when it suits your lifestyle and things will improve vastly

Edit.  I respectfully disagree with those who state that being there for your child constitutes 'spoiling' them! LOL

Answer 6

My son is 2 and a half.  We've had him since birth (he's our bio son) and he still doesn't always sleep through the night.  And he can be really clingy at times.

It sounds to me like you have regular old 2.5 issues.  My only advice for you is to set boundaries and limits when you can, try an earlier bed time (some kids wake frequently at night because they go to bed over tired), and know that this too shall pass.

And you are not alone. :)

Answer 7

I totally agree with Erin - please seek professional advice from someone who has experience with adoption and attachment.  Also, find ways to get a little R&R for yourself.  You sound worn out.

My first child (bio) was very clingy and demanding.  I am only mentioning this to let you know that I can relate to how tired and discouraged you are feeling.  It is hard to see other parents with relatively "easy" kids.  It made me wonder what I was doing "wrong".  Once I stopped beating up on myself, I found it a lot easier to cope with my son's needs.  He grew up to be a super kid.

Please don't beat up on yourself.  Get some help.

Answer 8

All toddlers go through this.  This isn't an adoption problem per se.  Separation anxiety is typical.  You might want to check with a neurologist about his not sleeping through the night.  My daughter didn't sleep through the night when she was that age.  Her toncils kept her awake because she couldn't breath.  Just something to think about.

Answer 9

I'd imagine you should quit working and spend all your time with him since he is clearly having a hard time being apart form you, when you force separation that he is not ready for you are harming his sense of security.

As far as the toll it's taking on you - motherhood is what you were after. If you are too old to fill the demands of a toddler maybe you could at least do a service to others by telling other women who were once in your shoes what it's really like - and discourage them from repeating the same mistakes you did.

Answer 10

How old is he?  How old was he when you adopted him?

Many people who have adopted would love to have this problem. Sometimes adopted children have a hard time having any attatchment to their adoptive family. If you have had him since he was a baby, then maybe he is going through what many bio children go through, which is just being a little spoiled to their mommy. This is normal. If you adopted him when he was older, then take joy in his attatchment to you. He trusts you and you provide comfort to him.

One thing that might help is to encourage his individuality. Do things that help him connect to his Korean background. Don't try to make him completely assimilate to the your culture. Try to help him be an individual in your family.

Edit: If you had him since he was 6 months old, then this probably has nothing to do with being adopted. He's just spoiled to his mommy. I have no idea what you should do. My son is very independant so I don't have this problem. I think it could be detrimental to him if you try to associate his problem with adoption. Then it makes him feel like he owes it to you to be perfect because he is adopted. This question might be better suited for the parenting section. Pleazse don't associate evrey problem your son ever has in life with being adopted. This is very wrong and might be an excuse to take the responsibility off yourselves. It could also cause many problems in his life.

Edit: I don't mean spoiled in a bad way. I couldn't really think of another way to describe it. Basically, I think it's completely normal and has nothing to do with the adoption.