Adopted at an older age by people you didn't know, how did you feel?

Question

We meet our boys (9 and 11) today for the first time (one boy was student in my husbands class). The oldest one remembers his mom, wants a good bye visit--she moved to California. They have been in foster care for 4 years--taken from the home by the state. The oldest one has been in about 5 homes. In one of his evaluations he states that he wants to be with his real family. The 9 year old is ready to be adopted and start with his new family.

I was just wondering if there was anyone out there who was adopted by strangers at an older age--an age where you can remember your bio parents and remember when you were adopted. Were you bitter? Did you ever become a family with your adopted parents?

Please no rude and hurtful comments, this is new territory for us, very little information about this. I want some ideas of what others when through, everyone is different but I don't want to be narrow-minded coming into this. Thanks!

Answer 1

Just relax and get to know them. Don't try to make them fit into your world, just kinda let your worlds combine.

  Taking advantage of the counseling is a great move, but also be friends when you can. It's not all about rules and regs. There will be plenty of those too, but make time for some fun and bonding with each other. I really recommend the books by Dave Ziegler. Please read them; even if you think they don't apply now, chances are that they will.

Answer 2

Your comments show the answer, actually.

There is no one-size-fits-all answer to your question.

Both these boys will remember their birth parent(s) to varying degrees.  The family situation was bad, or the state would not have removed them.  How well or how accurately they remember their birth family depends on how old they were when removed, and how traumatized they were.  

The 11 year old has problems or he wouldn't have been in 5 homes.  He'll be a hard boy to deal with.  Be ready to need help from a counselor and have a lot of patience.  He may well feel no adult has been there for him to protect him, and so he's had to take care of himself and won't easily trust any adoptive parent.  It'll be harder for him to fully integrate with his adoptive family.

The 9 year old is more likely to become a full family member.  He has a stronger interest in starting with a new family.  His positive attitude will make the process work better.  

The older boy probably wants to "fix" what was wrong in his original family, even though he cannot.  He might have experienced abusive treatment in foster care, or maybe with his original family.

You need to have good, strong, fair parenting skills.  Don't discipline in anger.  Don't abuse (don't tell me it can't happen, I can prove otherwise).  Don't be unfair to either the boys or to yourself.  You may well need counseling to deal with both these boys, but more so with the older one.  Don't make promises you don't keep.

cw

Answer 3

I can't say from experience, but try to place yourself in their shoes.  It's probably mixture of feelings...a little excitement, a little scary, hope for a brighter future, sadness for losing their mother & past.  

I don't know why they were removed from their mother but would a visit be good for them?  Are there safety concerns?  If you think you could arrange something that wouldn't endanger the children's safety (or at least the one who wants to see her) then I would try to do it for him, it is hard to lose your mother, I'm sure anyone can imagine that pain.  As long as it is SAFE to do so.

You will just have to be very supportive, and always open to let them share their feelings with you.  Let them know that they can come to you with anything.  Adoptees are very good at stuffing their feelings because we don't want to hurt our adoptive parents...so it's important to let them know that they can come to you.

Others with more foster/adopt experience probably have better advice than this.  Good luck to you and your boys.

Answer 4

We are in the same situation. I would recommend many visits - unless they are already with you - and looking into adoption blogs about emotional and behavioral disorders.  Though I do not like place labels on anyone, you might find useful information in reading about attachment disorders (depending upon whether their basic needs were consistently met as infants and babies by a caring adult); oppositional defiance disorder, post traumatic disorder, and information about residential treatment centers.

Every developmental stage a child/growing person goes through has to ( and will!) happen. Teenagers 'relive' the birth - 3 years of age upon puberty/adolescence. This is not to say that they will indeed have major problems, but you and your family should be educated just in case...

I feel for your situation.  You may want to look into long term foster care or become their guardians. That way, your state may be able to continue to provide assistance and health benefits and resources to the boys.

Otherwise, I would definitely hire an attorney and learn about the post adoption services that will be available to them.  I would hire an attorney anyway and not just sign an agreement.

Good luck... (I am totally living your situation...)

Answer 5

I commend you  for opening up your home for these boys and wish more people would do it. Your heart seems to be in the right place.

I however, must comment that by reading your questions and your posts that your head might not be in the right place. They all indicate your desire to be a "Mother" more so than a parent. These boys are older and will be coming into your life knowing that they already have a mother. I would suggest focusing more on how are you going to deal with the issues they are struggling with or haven't dealt with yet.   I think you have it in you but would hate to see you get frustrated/disappointed if they don't bond with you the way you have it planned out in your head.

For example:

"THe boys we're adopting are much too old to change their names (don't want to do anyway) but we're adding a middle name to each of their names....nothing taken away from them."

By adding anything to their name, you are changing their name. Its not your right to do this just because a piece of paper says so. These boys are old enough to decide whether they want you adding or subtracting anything from their name.  

My point being...you can have your house rules but you cannot force these boys to act like they are your sons. They will rebel against it or resent your for it. You have to let them accept you  when they are ready and not expect them to do when you want. Your needs and desires are secondary. This is another reason why so many people want baby's. They foolishly kid themselves into thing they have clean slates and they can mold the children into accepting and loving them.

Good luck with the boys and start educating yourself on how to deal with their issues in a loving and healthy way.

Answer 6

My son was adopted at four and doesn't remember his bio family because he last saw his dad at age 2 and his mom at 3.  I had read that it's much harder to adopt older kids, even as old as four and have found that to be the case.  So much of their personality is set, especially at 9 & 11.  I didn't think that would affect us with him as young as four, but it has!

I imagine that it is going to be a relatively rough road.  Even the one who is wanting to be adopted you'll have struggles with for a while (but maybe not at first).  So much of it is just getting used to each other.  The other one will come around, eventually, I imagine.  He knows that he can't go back to his bio family, even if that is what he wants.  

We have had two difficult things to deal with.  The first is information that DHS knew about our child, but did not tell us.  We didn't know about sexual abuse, family history of bipolar, etc.  Also, they convinced us that our child would receive no benefits, which I later found out he should have received.  Now my husband is in school, the child has no insurance and we've racked up a lot of medical bills due to testing (MRI) and ADHD.

The second set of problems has to do with the fact that a lot of people don't know my son is adopted and comes with "issues."  He looks a lot like us and at first glance, appears very average.  Occasionally, though, disturbing behaviors will pop up and other parents will wonder why my child is acting like this and what kind of home life we have to cause him to act a certain way, not knowing all of the baggage he brings with him.  This might seem like a minor problem, except I'm a teacher (in a Christian school) and other parents question my teaching ability, etc. because of my son's behavior.  Several times now we've had to go around after the incident and explain that he's adopted and has experiences that othe kids don't have.  (He's not going to be at my school this year.)

There are some support groups for adoption and some good websites that may help you out.  I did find one book written about adoption of older children where the parents had wished they had not adopted because the kids were horrible and it messed up their other bio. children, but that's the only book I ever found from that viewpoint.

My neighbor has adopted one child as an infant and one older child, it has gone well with them.  Both are home-schooled due to learning disabilities and physical disabilities.  Another teacher friend adopted older children who remember their bio family and they've adjusted but she deals with constant issues (behavioral, learning, etc.).

I hope I helped a little.  I know going into anything you always imagine the best case and the wonderful little family you are going to have.  Some days will be like that, but a lot won't, and that's just reality.  There have been times I've wished we hadn't adopted (& others have said that, too), but that's when the situation is at its worst and generally we've been very pleased.  Sometimes I forget my family is not average and when bad things happen, I have to remind myself that our situation is special and everything is not going to be just like it is for a "normal" family.  I remind myself that we did this to provide a better home for my son, not so that I could have the perfect little family.

God bless you!