Adopted child?

Question

We have been considering adopting a baby, and althou there are many conserns one question in paticular has been plaguing me- what is a best way to handle the situation when the child says "You are not my real mother, you can't tell me what to do!"

Thank you.

Answer 1

I have an adopted child.  BTW the greatest blessing I have every received! I have never ever told her anything bad about her mother. I have always praised her for her bravery and generous heart.  I told my daughter that her mom realized she was unable to properly (financially) care for a baby and she prayed that God would send a family that would love her baby just as much as she did.  That is where we enter the picture.  I have had the talks about whose tummy she grew in and why she is the only one in the family who has brown eyes.  Trust me you will know the answers when they pop up.  Just answer them with the same amount of love for the mother that you have for this sweet innocent child who is asking them.   My daughter is now 16 and she is fully aware that I am her "real" mother.  Just because she didn't grow in my body doesn't change that fact.

Answer 2

How is this different from when your biological child says "You're not the boss of me!!" - It's not the kid, or where they come from it's the stages they must go through in the process of growing up. It's all part of the awesome, trying, and very rewarding job of being a parent - irregardless of where your children come from. Best of luck and whatever direction you choose!

Answer 3

If you adopt an infant and raise him/her yourself, you most likely will not have that problem.  I was adopted and I always saw my adopted mom as my real mom.  If they do say that, inform them that you most certainly are their mother.  You raised them from a baby, fed them, clothed them, etc. and you love them just as if they came from your womb. Good Luck.

Answer 4

ooohhh, i hate to admit it, but i said it. it was awful, lowdown and cruel. but i did it. and i am ashamed of myself to this day. i dont know what to tell you other than what i tell my stepchildren. totally different situation i know but its all i have for you.

we are raising my 3 step children. their mother gave them to us almost 8 years ago. my son was 4 and the twins were 2. i had been their lives for 2 years at that time. so i wasnt new to them. when they come out with something like that i always tell them

"i may not be your mom, but im THE mom and thats what counts"

i cant say that is the best answer, but they understand what i mean and it ususally works. they know who takes care of them and loves them.

from the look of the other answerers, i am rare. i see most of them never said that. good-its horrible. i was just a really big jerk for a while in my life and i wanted to hurt others. im not making excuses, because there is no excuse good enough for that. but maybe you are in the clear, as i said, it appears most never uttered those words.

Answer 5

Thats tricky!Usually adopted children are grateful.Who knows?

Answer 6

They might say that when they are angry but I am sure they will soon forgive and get over it. They will understand that you set rules for a reason when they get older.

Answer 7

You know what's funny....I never said that to my parents. It would have hit too close to home.  But my friends who were not adopted?  They said it all the time!  "I bet I'm adopted!  You're not my real parents!"

So you might have to deal with it no matter where your child comes from.  You could prepare yourself to raise an adopted child by reading up on the subject.  I like Journey of the Adopted Self and The Primal Wound, but Adoption:  The LIfelong Search for Self, Raising Adopted Children, or 20 Things Adopted Kids Wish Their Parents Knew might be a good introduction too.

I would not stop at just reading books that teach you to be an adoptive parent, however--read the first two, which describe the experience from the child's point of view.  They might be tough to read, but they'll help you understand and save you and the child a lot of confusion and pain.

Answer 8

Wow, As an adoptee I can tell you that I never said such a thing to my adoptive parents.   And if a child did say that you would handle it in the same mature manner that you would when you get the inevitable "I HATE you Mom!" (which all kids say at some point, believe me)  it hurts but you are the grown up so you stand firm and at the same time reassure them of your love.

It can work both ways though - I can remember one time (and it was only once in the whole of my life)  My adoptive Dad yelling "you're not my daughter"   I was only about 8 years old but the memory of that stings me to this day.    I know it was just him losing his temper 'cos I'd been ultra naughty, but still, he shouldn't have said that.

Answer 9

Not related to the question at hand, I would hope you would choose an open adoption so your child will know their biological roots.

That being said, I think one of the better answers would be, "I am as real of a mother to you as your other mother.  One raised you, and one gave birth to you.  One does not make the other not real.  Suck it up and do what I ask."

Answer 10

That probably won't happen. I was adopted at age 2 these are my parents. what you have to do is when they are old enough to understand you must tell them. I can't remember not knowing I was adopted. You have to explain so that they understand. I chose to get you. You can or can't explain the circumstances of the adoption (why they were put up in the first place) sometimes that helps in them understanding. I know the reasons I ended up there.  As long as you raise them with love and understanding just like if you had given birth there will be no problem. You can expect snide remarks, but that would happen with any child. Sometimes you have to explain anyone can be a mother but its being there when they are sick, hurt, and just need a hug that makes a mom.

Answer 11

My best advice to you is that, whilst the child is growing, give them a reminder that a mother is someone who cares and loves for a child. So mommy is someone that you love and that loves you. A mother need not be biological.

Also keep in mind that all children have a rebelious stage and they come up with a lot of excuses to avoid orders or something. It's natural. Just hormones, something that all humans have.

Remember never to take it to heart if your adopted child says that, it's a stage of growing up, as soon as they mature, they will understand the concept of parenting. Which is why I told you to remind them while they are growing up, what a mommy really is.

Others also make it open knowlege that they're child is adopted. They feel that "You are not my real mother, you can't tell me what to do!" is a way off expressing their confusion once they learn of there adoption. They feel, if the child knows, then there is less a likely chance of that excuse popping up.

Good Luck! Remember, adoption is worth it. If that situation comes, remember, it's just a stage or phase they say until make up a better excuse to tell you if they are mad at you! [Basically one will say something if they are angry, this situation will pop up in an argument, if it does at all.]   =]

Happy Hols! Happy New Yr.!

Answer 12

I was adopted and I never said that to my folks. They raised me and did all the parenting and I realized at an early age that if not for them I might have had a worse life.

Your concerns are normal from what I have heard over the years. I think it's awesome that you want to adopt and I hope it works out well for you