Adopted children-do you have issues too?

Question

I've always been obsessed, like ever since I was three or so, with making people love me because I felt like I didn't fit in. It's not depression, swear it isn't. Really, I'm happy most of the time. But...it's odd. I compulsively want to fit in. I lie, I twist my personality around, I don't get along with my family. No, it's not normal teenager angst. Already got through that. I've always been overly mature for my age, too. I dunno...I guess I'm asking if any adopted kids out there have ever gone through rough times, more than normal teenagers. Am I blaming my circumstances? Please, please contact me and let me know I'm not crazy thinkin' my adoption screwed with my head.

Answer 1

these feeling are normal. well... at least i think. i feel the same and i am adopted. i blame it on my birth mother because she rejected me and could have raised me. my adoption has screwed up my brain too. but i wasnt put into a great home. both of my parents were older and were very angry. so yeah. i have the same feelings.

Answer 2

Definitely, not crazy. I think many adoptees have very secure and stables lives, but still have issues. I never really thought I had any issues. But now that I am older, I realize that I probably do. But everyone has issues with something in life. Just realize that you are not alone in your issues and find somebody to talk to... a school counselor?

Answer 3

Absolutely - you are not alone.

I think it's even harder because so many tell us to just get over it - or that we should just be grateful - rubbish!

Come on over to the best adoptee support network I've found on the internet -

http://www.adultadoptees.org/forum/index...

I've found that finally being able to speak about this stuff - has helped me more than any counsellor has ever been able to do.

Also, writing about it, in blogs - and reading the words of other adoptees - has been amazing.

Here are links to many adult adoptees now speaking up on the net -

http://www.adultadoptees.org/forum/index...

Answer 4

wow. that is all i have to say.. honest to god, no word of a lie, EVERYTHING down to the smallest detail is how i was aswell.

you are NOT blaming your circumstances, i tend to fall back on it aswell.

people just dont understand what it feels like if they have never went through it. so i made a promise to myself to try to understand those points of view of people who havnt been there so long as they are willing to try to understand mine.

Answer 5

You're definitely not crazy.  Being adopted has screwed with my head, too.  Being abandoned sucks.  I have trouble trusting people and making friends.  My teen years were h**l.  I've always had low self-esteem and have always been afraid that no one likes me.  I can relate to the trying to fit in and lying.  It took me a long time to relate these things to my adoption, I'd say you're very insightful for your age to be able to put the two together.  

Reading about adoption and "adopted child syndrome" has helped.  Therapy wasn't so helpful, because the vast majority of therapists have no training in adoptee issues.  So, if you ever go for therapy, make sure the therapist has specific training in adoptee issues.

I've cut and pasted some links I saw on another question about adoption issues.  They are very good, I recommend you check them out.  Good luck to you.

Books:

‘Lost & Found’ and ‘Journey of the Adopted Self’ by Betty Jean Lifton.

‘The Primal Wound’ by Nancy Verrier

‘The Girls Who Went Away’ by Ann Fessler

‘Being Adopted’ by David Brodsinzky

A forum where you can 'talk' with other adoptees:

http://www.adultadoptees.org/forum

Lots of info & nightly chats:

http://www.adoptioncrossroads.com

More info:

http://www.babyscoopera.com

http://www.origins-usa.org

A good article about adoption & its effects:

http://www.angelfire.com/or/originsnsw/w...

Two great adoptee blogs with links to other great blogs and information:

http://ungratefullittlebastard.blogspot....

http://lizardchronicles.blogspot.com/

Answer 6

Although people of any background may have these sorts of issues, it's not all that uncommon for adopted persons.  There is often an underlying fear of being rejected/abandoned again.  Some people are particularly sensitive to that and react more strongly than others.

Now, I need to say something here about this whole idea of "blaming circumstances."  If I smoke heavily and get lung cancer, pretty much everyone, including my physicians, will blame my circumstances (smoking) and no one will bat an eye about it.  

So, what's wrong with "blaming circumstances?"  Although people do it all the time, society decides who is "allowed" and "not allowed" to blame circumstances based on what those circumstances happen to be.  Living an unhealthy lifestyle is an "allowable" circumstance to blame.  That  way you're blaming the person who got sick.  It's okay to do that.  It's also okay to blame the circumstances if a child was severely abused.  

Then there are circumstances are considered off limits when it comes to blaming.  Being relinquished and adopted is definitely one of those.  Ironically, being relinquished and therefore an "orphan" is usually considered a "blamable" circumstance.  If that relinquished person gets adopted, the circumstance is  no longer blamable.  

It's very bizarre how people define which circumstances are allowed to be considered blamable and which are not.  The bottom line is that EVERYONE blames circumstances, even if they are blaming someone else's.  They just pick and choose what circumstances they deem okay to blame and which they deem not okay to blame.

Answer 7

It is too easy to put all you problems on adoption.  A one time event that yes, you had no control over, to blame it for everything wrong with your life is a crutch.  Look inside yourself and see what you need to change, or change around you.  You are adopted, deal with it and move on, there could be worse things in life.

Answer 8

No you are not crazy....you are experiencing normal feelings and emotions.  I went through some of this as well, and sometimes I still do.  I don't twist my personality so much as I "tailor" it to suit the purpose....meaning if someone raves about say, rap music, then I have to teach myself to like it so I can be "accepted" by them.  I loved my adoptive dad (my REAL dad); but have always been at odds with my a-mom; I still am, and I'm 38!!!  

Sometimes I think I had it rougher emotionally than other teens; but then I look at all the kids that smoke, drink, do drugs, and/or are teen parents, and I praise God that I am so well-adjusted in comparison!!  

You probably are blaming your circumstances, at least a little; just try and remember that you had no control over the situation which resulted in you being adopted, and the reason you were adopted by your a-parents is because they desperately wanted a child to love and couldn't have their own (for whatever reason; or maybe they chose to open their hearts and home to a child who needed a home, rather than add to the overpopulation).  And if anybody ever tells you that you aren't "good enough" because you are adopted, I want you to remember my favorite saying; and I want you to say it to them.  My saying is:

"At least my parents CHOSE me....yours got STUCK with you!!"

Answer 9

It's like you looked right into me!  I never thought that my adoption had anything to do with my co-dependency, but I gusess it really explains a lot!

Thanks so much for the insight!