Adopted daughter and an ackward situation?

Question

My adopted daughter went with me today to take her birth sister back to their natural mom for the weekend and meet the new baby. At one point, she asked me something and called me "Mom" and her natural mom started to answer. My daughter started crying because she thought I would be angry with her because "T" thought that she was talking to her. I told her she was fine, but she was still upset. She has called her natural mom by her first name since we got the kids in foster care two years before the adoption. It was just an accident and no ones fault. Why was it so awkward? Why couldn't we just ignore the whole thing? "T" seemed equally upset.

Answer 1

Just between you and me, I think "T" was in the wrong.

Yes, not having her daughter call her mom has to be painful.  The whole situation has to be painful for everyone involved.

But the situation is the way it is and she needs to respect that.

She doesn't have the right to undercut your daughter's sense of safety and well being.  "Accident" is no excuse.

I think you should talk privately with "T" and get this resolved. It's not the child's place to decide this.  The child shouldn't even know this conversation takes place.

Don't mention the incident to the child again.  This is far beyond her maturity level.  She can't handle the stress, fear, and confusion.

Pretend it never happened. AFTER you talk to "T".

EDIT TO ADD:

You mention taking a sister back to "T" and her having a new baby.  If she's not capable of making good choices for even 1 hour, why does she have 2 children living with her?

Answer 2

Try to explain to the child that T is her natural mom and no matter what the woman has done nothing is going to change that. Your alright being called mom to. It sound like the child doesn't want to upset you and cares enough not to see you hurt.

   We are going through the same thing the couple wants my grandson to call them mom and dad and my son by his first name even though they took this child known the father wouldn't consent to adoption. When the child is here he calls my son dad and them by there first name but i'm sure when he goes back things change..

    So if the child calls her mom oh well it's the truth. When mary had jesus, mary didn't look for a first name for the lord. Jesus called the lord Father.

   So explain to the child that T gave her birth and she will always be her first mom. You stepped in to help and nana, mom or what ever is alright with you.

Answer 3

Maybe try and just try and not answer when she calls u mum when her real mum is there!

Answer 4

It's wonderful that your adopted daughter thinks of you as mom.  It sounds like you are her primary mom in her heart.  

If she's a teenager, she may have a wish for everything to be perfect, and maybe she has expectations that you would want everything perfect.  

The situation became awkward because the girl and her birth mom both let it upset them. You cannot change how they respond emotionally to interactions.  Just tell the girl that, while you understand it bothered her, that it did NOT bother you and you hope she can let it not bother her in the future.  After all, we are all human and we all make mistakes at times.

If she seems agreeable to talking about it, ask her what she's prefer to call each of you so there's no confusion as to whom she is speaking to.   If things like this happen, you can casually comment that it's nice she has two mothers she can talk to and be with.  Her birth mother gave her life, and you are able to give her a loving home, which, for reasons I don't know her birth mom cannot do.

cw

Answer 5

Just tell her that you love her and you don't care if she calls her natural mom "mom" if she wants to. If she's upset about it, there's no reason not to just let her do what she pleases in this situation, and you seem understanding, so I'm sure it's not a big deal.

Answer 6

It was probably awkward because maybe your daughter feels strange being with the both of you when she knows her mother is her real mom and that she didn't want her, and gave custody to you. Maybe she doesn't consider her birth mother her mom, and completely considers you it and when she answered to mom it just upset her so much because she hasn't been the mom in her life and you have, and maybe your daughter thought you'd be offended because you treat her more like a mother should, and that you are her legal mother. She probably just got overwhelmed in the whole thing. And "T" was probably upset because your daughter was and because she is not her child, but yours. Also, maybe she was upset because when your daughter said mom, she wantedd her to be referring to her(T) as her mother, but she knew she wasn't. Sorry if this was confusing! lol Hope it helped!

Answer 7

Okay, I think you should firstly talk to "T" about it and tell her that she might want to call her mom.

Then I think you should give her more time with T alone. This means she can call her all she likes but not feel like the other mom is going to judge or think she is going against her.

I think the reason why she was upset was really nothing to do with either of you or T, it was more within her.

It was like the bomb hit her, and she suddenly realised that her birth mother is her mom too, she was probably living in a bit of a dream (I did this too with my birth family) and when T replied it finally sunk in that she has two moms. Maybe  because she hadn't had chances earlier (throughout her childhood) to call her mom she is grieving that lost opportunity, even if she was in touch.

I think for the moment leave her be to think about the situation and work through it in her head. Bring it up a few weeks later when the air has cleared a bit, and tell her that it is okay to have mixed feelings and you promise not to judge her.

You could even set up a system of calling you mommy and her mom or mom A (or letter of the surname) and mom B (again letter of the other surname) when you are together as a group.

Answer 8

Is it ever comfortable to be removed from your parents and have to live with people who you grow to love, but go back and fourth between the two and feel obligation to refer to each as mom?

I don't think so.

She's upset because it sounds like she is calling you mom, maybe she's more comfortable with you being the "mom" roll and felt like she let her natural mother down by calling you mom, and felt obligation as well. She's in a very tough position, this is when adoptees become people pleasers. Being happy and comfortable sounds near impossible for her if you ask me.

I wish her strength and independance.  

Answer 9

Its fear and confusion.

This scenario plays out many times with divorced couples and the new families.  I would take the high road on this situation for the sake of the child alone and tell her that its ok with "you" that if she wants to, she can call her nmother "mom"  and not have to use her first name. Its okay to have two moms and to love them both because it won't change how much you both care about her.  Watch how simply it plays out.    

She just needs reassurance its not going to hurt either one of you.  

"T's" probably upset for the obvious reasons. She's her nmother and the bond they share will never dissipate. I'm sure she's hurting that she put her daughter in this situation and its killing her.  Any pain or confusion her daughter has its 2 fold for her.

Edit: I hear you Lindsey. Sometimes what works is limiting the time you and her nmom are in the same place together for a while. Maybe just drop her off without going in and having her nmom come out to the car to get her. If your comfortable with that it may help, just until your adaughter gets a little more comfortable with the situation.