Adopted mother intimidated of birth mother , only serious answers importnt question?

Question

Mothers day weekend i went to see my birth mother and family. I was given up she was on drugs and prostituting me n my bro n sis were split up. Me n my sis in foster care my bro went with his dad who eventually physically abused him. I met my birth mother a few weeks before i went to her house. Amazing meeting i mean i dreamed of it happening. She looks just like me so i have an amazing wonderful time at her house mothers day weekend, my adopted mom already said she was ok with everything i told her up front and all she was like have fun take lots of pictures. i had the best weekend of my life dont get me wrong i love my adopted mom she took care of me but i always wanted this . When i went to my bio moms i felt so comfortable with my bro n sis like a dream my bro has been looking for me for a while he said. When i came back and showed her the pics she asked to see she made a smart comment n walked away wtf ? i dont get it why cant she just be happy that im so happy.? im 22 now.

Answer 1

She was probably just not really thinking clearly at the time, and was obviously a little hurt that's all.  Don't read too much in to it.  Imagine however, how she feels. She does want the best for you, but also, she loves you SO much that she also may have a fear of losing the one thing she loved so very dearly in her life.........you.  I am sure if you talk about it, it will be cleared up.  She was probably just a little taken back, but also, she should have put her feelings aside and celebrated your joy.

Answer 2

Well did you remember Mother's Day for her or just for that woman who gave you up because she couldnt keep herself off of drugs?

Maybe the timing wasn't the best. She did raise you and spent I am sure many a sleepless night with you and all the other things she did for you. And what do you do - run off to your other family on Mother's Day!!

You are getting a little old to not realize how much that must have felt for her. Maybe a little selfish??

I am sure I would have been a little upset too. Not that you met your birth family but because it was Mother's Day and you weren't home.

Answer 3

What do you consider a smart comment ?

I am a adoptee, My adoptive Mother is dead. I would NEVER meet my Mother who gave birth to me on Mothers Day

I would choose a different day.

I've already told a AP of about going to meet her twins first mother on mothers day

Its a ridiculous day to choose to do initial reunions on

The day before , the day after ....

Doing it on Mothers day is like slapping the adoptive mother in the face in my opinion, and an ap doing it on mothers day is like slapping the first mother in the face...neh neh I have your baby and you dont

Bleh.. people please THINK before doing these things.

I mean once reunions are well and truly under way then SURE visit BOTH Mothers....

But come on on mothers day you can excpect either mother to be happy under these circumstances of first time reuniting.

I am happy for you that you have met your birth mother and I DO hope that she has changed because I would hate for you to be hurt...So tread softly ...dont expect too much all at once and PLEASE tread softly with your Amum, she might be feeling frightened and vulnerable at the moment

Give her some extra hugs and reassurance will you...

I wish I Could mine :(

Answer 4

Don't take it personal.  I think it is only natural for her to be a little upset since she has been your mother for this long.  Now she may feel like she has to share you with this other woman who was not there for you.  You have to stop and think, one of an a-mother's worst fears is the bio-mother taking back the baby!  That is a fear that never TOTALLY goes away.  When you adopt, a lot of a-mom's want to feel as though this is their baby 100%.

I am sure your mother (a-mom) means no harm at all.  It will just take time.  Granted, you always have to realize that you can't always fight the internal instinct to want to be with your natural mother.  That still doesn't take away what your mother feels in her heart.  She may feel like someone has "stepped on her toes" sort of speak.  All your life till now, you have spent mother's day with her.  Now that time is being shared with another woman.......  That is going to take a bit of adjusting and getting used to.  That's a time that she has always looked forward to spending with you, her daughter.  Just be patient and considerate of your mother's feelings.  Tell her that she has nothing to worry about and that you will always be her daughter, despite the situation.  

I wish you the best.

Answer 5

I'm an adoptee and a mother... I have to tell you that I would not have left the woman who raised me, took care of me, protected me from the woman who lost me because she was on drugs and out prostituting on Mother's Day.

I'm not saying you shouldn't forgive her, and I hope she has changed...really changed.  

There are 52 weeks of the year that you could have chosen, and at 22 I would think you could have considered that.

I'm not trying to be mean or down on you, but your birth mom used drugs, destroyed your family,and sold her body...your adoptive mom raised you and gave you a good life...I'm not saying you were wrong for meeting your birth mom...but did you have to do it on Mother's Day?

Here's another secret...we moms...we're people...we try, but we have normal feelings...she feels threatened and hurt and all the things she doesn't want to feel, but she does.  Maybe she really thought she could handle it and now is struggling.

Give her time, she may come around, but now might be a good time to do something to show your adopted mom that you still love and appreciate her.

There will be some that say "It isn't about her, it is about you" but when you're talking about a mother and her child ... it can't be seperated.

It is hard for me to be unbiased because A.  I've met my birth mom and have no interest in speaking with her again....and B.  I'm a mom and I know how hard it is to let go of your kids.

I'm glad it was different for you.  You'll get lots of adoptees on this board who will encourage you to ignore your adoptive mom's feelings....it is up to you if you do that.

I'm not saying cut all contact, I'm just saying be a bit more sensitive....all adoptive moms live in fear of the day a child says "You aren't my real mother."  and you did that on Sunday.  It was Mother's Day...I hope you at least called her!

We want it both ways, we want people to take in children (you came from foster care so even the adoption sucks crowd is ok with that), love them as their own, care for them as their own....like a normal mom, but they are not able to have normal feelings.

My advice, sit down and talk honestly with your adoptive mom about how you're feeling and encourage her to do the same.  I would also be sure she knows how much you love her!

Answer 6

Well she spent the time to raise you, so I suppose she has a right to be a little upset.

Answer 7

Wait until you are a MOM, you will understand.

Answer 8

I'm so sure she is really happy for you and glad that you did it. It is probably hard at the same time to see you so happy and feeling complete. She probably feels sad and horrible she was not able to make you feel complete. Thus feeling like she failed you somehow and this other person who in her mind 's eyes will always see as a prostitute and person who did drugs and put her kids in that situation. Your birthmother is probably great and cleaned up. It is a feeling of a sense of loss and not feeling like she is a good enough mother. This is how I would feel and think and prepare ever day when my son fully is aware of his situation and what happen. We go on yearly sometimes biyearly visit with his birth mom and he gets visits separate with his birth father also. I dread them at times but at the end always glad that I did it. To be honest it is the selfish part of me that doesn't want to share. I feel bad that I couldn't have kids on my own so this is all my fault. It is all of my own feelings of guilt which I pray I don't pass on to my son and that he does have a great relationship with his bio family. I just dread and hope the day does not come when he says, " You're not my real mom." I honestly don't know what I will do

Answer 9

DOn't worry. Your adoptive mother is experiencing what many other adoptive parents or guardians of children nnot born to them have always experienced; that all children have a desire, whether they fulfill it or not to know exactly where they come from. It does not negate your adoptive mother in any way, and technically, she knows this. But sometimes, for her, she may wonder why she isn't "enough". Well what she may lose sight of is that she IS; but the pull you have is a Divine one, a string pull toward your ENTIRE family, not just the one God sent to you but also the one that God bore you to. Remember to let your adoptive mother know that there is no one that cantake her place; she is indeed just as important to you as she always was and that when you call out for mom, it is her that you mean. let her know that your heart needed this to occur and that you appreciate all of her support through this; it just reminds you of how much of a wonderful mother she is to understand your needs right now. All will be well; she just needs time and your love. Blessings...

Answer 10

Sorry it had to happen that way.  She probably feels insecure about her position.  And she probably wants a little reassurance from you about that.

Remember when you were younger...maybe that quirky pre-teen age?  Did you ever make a stinging comment to your amom, not so much because you believed it, but sort of to see the response it got?  Maybe just a reference to your bmom...or "real" parents or whatever?  (I know I did.)  Are you willing to accept that maybe your amom just indulged in one of those moments/comments?  Yes, that would be immature.  But, she is a human being with feelings too...and she probably isn't feeling so secure right now.  Can you talk to her about this now that a few days have passed and she might be a little calmer?  Good luck.

Answer 11

I am glad that you are happy, but am with Maggie on wondering about your timing.  Your adoptive mom probably felt as though this is a huge slap in the face to your mother (the one that was there for you every single day thru teething, attitudes and teenage times) to go to spend the day with your birth mother on Mother's Day.

Adoptive Parents do know that reunion will be a possibility, but looking at it from their "side," perspective, whichever, and this child is one that they have sacrificed for loved and then, hello, they are 18, 21, whatever and suddenly they need to find themselves . . . adoption is a liflong issue and hurts.

I met with my birth family as an adult, I know them and am so grateful that I am not in their lives.  I belong with my adoptive family.  Period.  They are my family.

When and if my daughter has feelings wanting to see her family of birth, I will give her the information that I have to find them.  I will go through the same pain and being torn that every other adoptive mother feels.  

I am grateful that my birth family did not fill my head with "you were ripped from my loving arms" or "I never wanted to give you up" when I know and they know that both are lies.  I mean what else do you expect someone to say when they gave their child to another to raise?  Mine were honest, they did not want me, so I was abused and taken away.  We both know the truth.

Story for the day . . . Horton Hatches an Egg . . . might help you see better what your adoptive mom is going through.  Best of luck.  She does love you, and you sound lucky to have a birth family that is going to be a part of your life as well.

Answer 12

Its so hard to be in this position. I have been exactly there, and here I am about 7 years later and things are MUCH better between my amom and I.

I wondered and still wonder why going into an adoption, the aparents aren't prepared for a reunion?  Are they told it may never happen? I know mine weren't. I would think after 22 years she would be prepared for this, but I guess she just wasn't.

We can't change the way people think or feel, but that doesn't mean you don't have a right to feel the way you do either. I say continue feeling the way you do, and she will have to come to terms with it, just as you have had to come to terms with her not being "happy" about your happiness.

In time she'll hopefully realize this isn't a replacement of her and theres always room for more love to go around.

You have connections with each of your parents or mothers that you can't have with the other and that makes your relationship with each unique and special. I hope she comes to terms with that sooner than later.

Answer 13

Oh she was happy for you, she encouraged you to go with her blessing, but sometimes just seeing the person you love with someone else can really stir up a wave of confusing emotions.  Imagine how you might feel if after 22 years she told you she had a 'birth daughter' who was coming to visit and be part of the family.  You might think you'd be okay about it but you wouldn't really know how you would feel until it happened.

I think your mum loves you deeply and she will be fine - she just needs your reassurance and love right now.

I'm so glad it worked out well for you.

Answer 14

As a fellow adoptee who was reunited with my birth mom in 1983, I understand what you're feeling.  I found my birth father in 1986. My dad was supportive of my search, but had fears that he would "loose" me.  In spite of his fears, he encouraged my search.  I love him even more for that!  In time, he realized that he wasn't going to loose me as his daughter, and if anything, his support made our bond closer.  

I was a daddy's girl.  My a.mom & I never really bonded. She was comfortable with my search & gave me the info I needed to begin it. I'm grateful to her for that.

When I met my birth father, I discovered I looked just like him. My dad asked to see the photos of us. It was hard for me to show them to him.  Somehow I figured it would be OK if I looked like another woman, but to look like another man?  (the feminine version, OF COURSE! LOL)

It's not that your a.mom's not happy for you. She's just afraid. Reassure her that you're still her's too.  Include her in the process as much as is comfortable for her - don't push too much on her if she's not ready.  My parents eventually asked me how "J" & "D" (my birth parents) were doing and if I'd talked to them recently.  Eventually, they both were comfortable with my reunion.  

Right now you're in the "honeymoon phase" of the reunion. It's WONDERFUL!  It's overwhelming! It's amazing! Things will settle back down and soon it will feel just normal to know your first family.  

I had a very close relationship with one 1/2 sib until she married. Since then, she's been much busier with her husband and new family.  I don't see or hear from her as often as I once did. It's a bit of a let down.  I miss her.  

My adopted sister also has had a few jealous moments about me finding (my 1/2 sisters).  I have reassured her that no one can ever take her place.  Human beings aren't interchangeable!  

Congrats on your reunion!  Enjoy it! And give your a.mom the extra reassurance she needs right now. Soon, she'll be able to share in your happiness, too.

AND...don't listen to those silly folks who feel the need to tell you who your REAL parents are!  AS IF!!  Like we don't already know who our parents are. YIKES...makes me a bit crazy.  No one feels the need to say that stuff in reference to STEP parents.

Answer 15

I dont think shes intimidated, just jealose. She devoted her life to u and brought u up as her own and now ur seeing ur 1st mom she doesnt like it. just try reassuring her but dont let it affect the relationship u have with ur bio family if thats what u want

Answer 16

Please be patient with your mother.  She loves you.  She wants what's best for you so she supported your reunion.  She is reacting in fear.  Fear that your bio mother will hurt you again, fear that she will lose you.  All this is coming from a place of love for you.  So while she may  act strange, it is just because she feels conflicted inside.

I'm sure she is happy to see that you are happy.  But she probably is also wary and suspicious because your bio mother was not there for you, she behaved badly.  Prostituting you was reprehensible.  It is going to be very difficult for your mom to get past this and embrace this relationship between the two of you.

I have two kids living with me who have been abused by their parent.  While I know they love him I struggle to get past the horrible things he has done to them.  I struggle with honoring their need to see him when I know he may injure them emotionally again.

Please understand that this is a struggle for your mom. It was wonderful that she supported you and she sounds like she is really trying.  Try to just reassure her that you love her and that this relationship with your bio mom will never replace that love.

Answer 17

What a shame, I'm so sorry she has reacted that way.

I think she probably needs reassurance and to sit down and talk about it.   Hopefully once she is reassured that she is not being replaced and that your need to search for your family is not a reflection on her parenting of you, she will come around and with any luck your relationship will grow stronger.

I hope you can get her to understand that her current behavior will only put distance between you.

Always remember there is nothing wrong with wanting to know the truth of your own origins and that  her feelings are just that - hers.  It's her problem and you don't need to be taking that burden upon your shoulders.   The most you can do is reassure her and let her know you love her but don't compromise your own life - you've spent 22 years fulfilling the needs of others, now it's your turn.

Enjoy your reunion

Answer 18

Well of course she feels intimidated, and threatened, and like life as she knows it is crashing down on her.  She told you to go and have fun because she was trying to be supportive even though it was killing her that you went.  She supported you, gave you a home, and never gave up on you.  She may struggle to see why you want to connect with a woman who didn't want you.  You do have every right to reconnect with your birth mother, but you also need to understand what it is putting your adoptive mother through.

Answer 19

Put yourself in her shoes.  Being replaced in a weekend is hard.  Did you get her a mother's day card?  You might send her a flower and say, she might have given birth, but you are the mom that raised me, gave me good memories, and cared for me, even when she didn't.  Thanks!

Answer 20

I was adopted when i was thirteen and only stayed with my adopted family till i was 17, i ran away and reunited with my birth mother. That was 10 yrs ago.   My adopted mom was never happy about it , i think she is very jealous of my birth mother.  If my birth mother is ever brought up in conversation she always makes a smart remark, which has really distanced me from her, among many other things.  Two years ago when i got married, my birth mother called my adopted mother to speak about wedding plans.  AM was civil, but after that conversation she blocked my birth mothers number.  She couldn't even put differences aside for something that meant alot to me.  I spent mothers day weekend with my birth mother, i feel alot more comfortable with her as well.  Of course AM wasn't happy about it either.  Maybe you should have a talk with your AM and let her know how her actions bothered you and let her know that you love her as well, but this is something that means alot to you.

Answer 21

I think your mom is afraid you're going to be hurt or let down by your birthmom.  I think it's great that she was happy for you and wanted you to take pics so she could "share" that experience with you.  She may have needed some time to gather her thoughts after seeing the pics and is more ready now to talk to you about your experience.

You should be aware that a "honeymoon period" occurs alot of times after birth parents and children meet.  You are having a lot of fun, making memories and learning about your birthmom and your siblings.  In a few weeks or months you may realize that your birthmom didn't hang the moon.  You may feel many different emotions regarding the reasons you were placed for adoption.  All of that is normal.  Or maybe, your birthmom is a much better person now than she used to be, and you'll have a great relationship.  Just be prepared for both, and everything in between.  Just please don't shut out your mom.