(Adopted people only) Is it better to know that you are adopted or would you prefer never to have known.?

Question

A friend of mine just recently adopt a baby. She said she will never tell the child that she is adopted because she doesnt want the child hurt. I think that secrets always come out and it would be better to tell the child as soon as possible rather than them finding out accidentally or because of some future medical problem that might arise.

Answer 1

Adoptees have roots, we have biology just like every other person. You can't wipe that out just by refusing to reveal it. Every human being is entitled to their own personal truth.

I hope you pass this on to your friend, as she is doing something totally unethical and immoral by keeping such vital information from the child.

Answer 2

I'm adopted and I always knew I was adopted so once her child is old enough they may realise it anyway. They will also realise that they don't look like their adoptive parents or have obvious differences personality wise. It is also very hurtful to know that you have lived a lie, and that is what it would feel like, that their life was a complete lie. I recomend honesty. Apart from trivial things that sometimes need sensitivity, honesty is the only answer because lies just hurt and ruin people.

Answer 3

i think everyone has there own way to deal with adoption,personnally i had no choice in knowing about my birth parents as my grandparents adopted me and i had visits from my real dad alot,i think every child that is adopted should know due to the fact that one day there birth parents could come looking(as that does happen sometimes),also that child may need to know important medical back ground when they get older,yes i do think that every adopted child should know the truth.

Answer 4

Ask your friend to google late discovery adoptee

Most of them who found out late (and be sure to tell her that the child WILL find out eventually and it is a HUGE betrayal of trust not to tell)  they all 'knew' anyway - when they eventually find out it usually doesn't come as a huge surprise anyway

Secrets and Lies in families are toxic and just wrong wrong wrong

Answer 5

I don't think there is any way I could have NOT known considering the fact that I look, act, talk and think nothing like my adoptive parents.  if they hadn't told me from the start (which they did) I would have figured it out when I got to biology class.  Considering my traits and their traits, there is no way we could have actually been related. It would have been genetically impossible.  

When it comes to adoption, honesty really is the best policy.  I would encourage your friend to tell her child asap.  There is no sense in living a lie and it will always come back to bite you eventually.

Answer 6

You're child has the right to know.  I was adopted and have known as long as I can remember.  I was made to feel "special' about it as though I was chosen.  I never even thought about it negatively.  I think the medical issue is a big point in the issue as well and if you ever needed to know something your child might find out then and then feel anger towards you for keeping if from him or her..  Good Luck!!

Answer 7

A friend of mine was adopted.  Her parents told her that she was adopted at a very young age.  She said that knowing her adoptive parents adopted her made her love them more.  

I think your friend's son will find out someday anyway.  Why complicate things with lies?

You sound like a good friend.  Talk to her about the ups and downs of her decision after hearing from members of yahoo answers who have been through this experience themselves.

Answer 8

I was adopted along with my twin brother when i was three weeks old and i dont know my biological  parents at all, i'm now 16.  I think it's good that they told me [even though i have much darker skin than them and brown eyes while they both have blue, and probably would have figured it out]

So i think it will come out, unless they look a lot alike and can get away with it.

Plus, it would hurt SO much more if i had found out later rather than sooner... like a lot more.

And i dont like the idea of keeping something that huge from anyone.  

And of course I always wonder about my parentsand hurt sometimes, but as with everything, it hurts, you move on, it comes back, you move on, etc.

Answer 9

Your friend is a selfish woman.  Adopted kids usually know anyway, and if they don't initially, they find out eventually.

Hurt, pain, and loss are inherent in adoption.  Your friend would do best to tell the truth to her child, to avoid MORE heartache.

To answer your question.  I would have figured out I was adopted, even if I wasn't told.  I just wish I hadn't been adopted.

Answer 10

Its better to have known because what if you want to know who your real parents are,,,and what if your real parents still wanted contact with you,,,thats ignorant you just have to tell the child that them giving them up was love enough,,,you know cuz some mom just keep the babys then end up abusing them or killing them,,,but if some moms feel that heir aby is in danger or that they can't acre for them they give them up to someone that will love them and be able to care for them,,,I think thats showing alot of love,,,it's a gift to be adopted

Answer 11

now i wish i never found out, but when i was told i felt if something was missing, other adopted people who I've talked to  felt like this too, but only one when she found her mum, had a relationship with her that lasted, her mother was only fourteen but wanted her. i think most {not all} parents who give the children up its because they don't want them, not was forced in my opinion. but now i think about it my adoptotive parents where always my mum and dad but im glad they waited till i could cope {i didnt take it well, but if i was too young i wouldnt understand and if i was off the rails already it would of made me worse}, and it might of hurt our relationship if they lied about it, we need to make our own mistakes in life

Answer 12

Whoo talk about a bunch of ignorant hypocrites. You scream and yell about people respecting your rights, you scream how we should not tell you how to feel about your adopt in and yet I see someone saying they have had a good experience and that it is her her right to feel that way and you all thumbs down her...I think that we have a group of liars here tell you to respect them and them disrespecting everyone who disagrees with them.... Thank God they are adoption Haters and most likely will not ever adopt because God forbid any child be subjected to their hatred and bitterness..

Answer 13

Secrets always come out and can destroy families.  I'm adopted and my parents told me I was when I was little. They haven't hidden anything from except for telling me that my bio dad was a drug dealer. They wanted to tell me when I was older.  Your friend thinks that she is protecting the child but really she could hurt her.  I know I would be so mad at my parents if they never told me.

Answer 14

I was adopted at 3 years old by my mom's new husband.  I did not remember life before him so as far as I knew he was my dad.  I found out when I was 6 during their divorce and well I can say that I wish both.  I wish I never found out because I think things changed between us after that and then I wish that I did because I would like to some day know what my birth father looked like.  I do not care to know him really just want to see a picture.

Answer 15

I would like to know, one way or another.

I was only 10 days old when I was adopted.  All I know for sure is what my adopted name would have been, that I had several older brothers, & that my father WASN'T around to help my birth mother decide to put me up for adoption.

Answer 16

Your friend is an idiot. Did she vote for Dubya too?

Secrets and lies always come out. Always. the truth has a way of fighting for itself.

If for some reason your friend doesn't tell the child, I sure hope that you do.

Answer 17

Adoptees should always be told.

Your friend really needs to read up on psychological effects of relinquishment and adoption on children.

This child has already been given enough hurts - he/she has been taken away from his/her mother - and given to a stranger.

Why would she want to inflict more pain by keeping the truth of the adoption to herself??

She can't 'fix' the first hurt - it happened.

But only with knowledge and contact with first family - can an adoptee get a true sense of self and a grounded self image.

It's a no brainer really.

Why people want to hurt adoptees more than they've already been hurt is simply beyond my understanding.

Answer 18

I wasnt told till I was an adult and I am happy that I had a normal childhood, I never felt out of place or that I didn't belong. I never struggled as to how my father didn't want me or how come he never looked for me. granteed I did feel those things but I was an adult and able to work through them better. My sister is my sister and I am glad we grew up without that between is...neither of us would ever call ouselves 1/2 sisters and god help anyone who did. I think I was better of not knowing as a child.

Answer 19

Of course I'm glad I know.  I would have figured it out eventually anyway, and then I would have had to resent my adoptive parents, who I love very much, for lying to me all my life.  Please ask your friend to reconsider this.

Answer 20

Well I’m glad my parents were always honest with me about it.  Your friend shouldn’t lie. The secret will probably come out eventually, the child could stumble upon her adoption papers one day. Some one in the family who knows could blurt it out out of anger.  Honesty early on  is always the best thing in adoption. Better for the child too. imo

Answer 21

yes, I agree with the others, honesty is the best policy, in fact can even be life-saving the child will need to know an accurate medical history.

The truth inevitably comes out, and yes being adopted hurts, but not being able to trust your adoptive parents would only compound the hurt, I hope your friend reconsiders.

Answer 22

I was adopted as an infant and grew up knowing that I was.  My parents told me very early... I can't remember a time when I didn't know.  My older brother is not adopted.

It was always treated in a very healthy way.  I was told that, when my brother came along, my parents had to take whatever they got.  Don't get me wrong... he is wonderful and that was not a dis on their part.  But, they told me that they got to choose me from all kinds of kids.  I felt special.

About the secrets... in my 20's I found my adoption certificate which had my original name on it and had always been told that my parents didn't know anything about me.  This caused a huge problem for a few years.

I am glad that I always knew.  Just finding out about my name was shocking enough and caused me to have some pretty strong bad feelings at the time.  If I had not known that I was adopted and found out by mistake... I am pretty sure that would have done some pretty good damage to me and to my relationship to my family.  Encourage her to tell the child.  There are lots of kids books out there that can help explain to a young child where they come from.

Answer 23

you're right, secrets usually come out one way or another and trust me its better to find out from your adopted parents than anyone one else. I personally think that the child has a right to know that they were adopted even if the person who adopted them sees no apparant reason to do so. Its hard to explain but its just better