Adopted persons...how do you feel when people say your adoptive parents "took you in"?

Question

I am entirely turned off by this. I wasn't some poor little waif wondering the streets like a stray cat that someone decided to take home. I was a child who was eligible for adoption. My adoptive parents SOUGHT OUT a child to adopt, because they WANTED to adopt a child. They didn't just "take me in."

Anyone else?

Answer 1

I think we should stop worrying about trying to figure out what other people are IMPLYING just because they don't always use the most PC terminology, or the terminology we think they should use..

Maybe it's a slip of the tongue, why over-analyze it?? Taking a phrase out of context is not a good gague of a person's attitude toward something

Really.. there's way too much of that here

Why don't we focus on the reforms we're trying to make, instead of focusing on what we THINK someone's "attitude" toward something is..

ETA... my point is that you do not KNOW what someone else thinks about something.. You overanalyze statements like that and say "Oh, their attitude is I should be grateful" When, unless they've said that as well, you have no basis for believing that.. I believe it is assumptions like that that make this a very negative forum..

Assuming because a PAP says they'd make a good parent that they feel they are entitled to someone else's child (or often, just because they WANT to be a parent!!)

Assuming that because an adoptee makes negative statements about the adoption system  are anti-adoptoin and want to stop all adoptions and to he** with the kids waiting for homes

There's way too much assuming going on.. Just because someone uses a couple misguided words, doesn't mean they have such-and-such an attitude toward something..

That's my point..

Answer 2

Considering the fact that my adoptive parents waited on a list for over two years to get me, I would say they were the ones who were taken in.

Answer 3

i felt like i did not belong and i also felt like no one lloved me and that everyone hated me then i tried killing myself well yeah but now i have learned that it's a good thing and that it's not really a burden well yeah that's all i have to say i really never lived in a foster home because i was adopted at the age of 3 weeks but yea

Answer 4

I'm not adopted, but if someone said that to me I SWEAR I'd say something like.....

"Well, I don't know if they took me in, but they got to choose me, which is more than your parents got to do."

Rude and mean I know, but when people say such stupid things you have to shock them out of it.

I don't know if you're a parent yet...if you are you already know this, if you aren't you will know it if you become a parent.

As a mom and an adoption social worker I can promise you, your parents don't see it like that.  All children are a gift. Parents can NEVER give what they receive from being a parent.

Answer 5

I dislike any reference to adoptees that makes us sound like puppies that were saved from the STREETS and ADOPTED from the POUND where I would otherwise have been PUT DOWN...so dehumanizing.

Answer 6

I was adopted too when I was a baby.  Never underestimate the ignorance of the common man, but I think that's just what it is, ignorance.  When ever people make comments like that I usually just ignore it, I don't think they mean to be offensive.

Answer 7

{hand raised}

The whole "take you in," "be grateful," "you were chosen" stuff is nonsense.

My adoptive parents wanted a child and were told they couldn't give birth.  So they adopted.  They didn't choose me.  There is no baby showroom.  I wasn't hand picked.  I was the infant that was available when they were next on the list.  (Although I do think there was some matching involved, but that's the social worker's domain, not my aparents.)  They couldn't have sought ME out, because I was an infant.  No one KNEW who I was yet.  

People who aren't adopted make all kinds of weird and wild assumptions about how adoptees feel.  I cannot know how a first parent feels.  I cannot know how an adoptive parent feels.  I listen to them tell me how it feels to be in their shoes.  But I didn't feel special, or chosen, nor do I think I ought to feel grateful for being adopted.  It would be nice if others quit trying to put feelings in our hearts and speak for us.  

But I don't have much hope of that happening.  Once an adopted child, always a child.

Answer 8

I was adopted, and my parents also sought me out, it wasn't like i was wasting away in some orphanage for years, I was 2 weeks old at the time. I am very lucky to have a wonderful family who took care of my every need and never made me feel inferior.

Answer 9

OMG!  I am not an adoptee, I put a child up and would never say that of the parents who got her.  She was chosen to be their daughter, they didn't take her in, they loved her from the moment they heard of her.  (They came to my hospital room and once I was out the door with her, I gave her to them.  I got to see them both hold her in the hospital and I KNOW that she is their child, not some waif!)  Next time someone says that to you, tell them their parents got stuck with them, you were chosen and wanted!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Answer 10

No wonder so many adopted people struggle with self-esteem issuses, after dodging the you coulda/shoulda/woulda been an abortion we get hit with, how lucky we were to be taken in.

What a load to dump on a child's shoulders and then it is topped off with, and be grateful dammit.

Answer 11

people have said it to me but i turn around and say no not really im special because i was chosen it wasnt like i was just lumbered with people they wanted me and chose me

Answer 12

i ignore them. they aren't worth my time.

Answer 13

We have to remember that people who do not understand a situation will say things that are not necessarily meant to hurt, but they can- and this can be one of them.  I am adopted and also have 2 adopted kids and I can say my adoptive parents chose me and we wanted to adopt a child- not take them in as a charity case.  What we need to do is educate people about adoption- both from the birth mother, adoptive parent and the adoptee side- I think if people would understand and lay aside their ignorance, there would be more couples choosing to adopt.

thanks Sam for your answer- this is the way that it was with our children- both of our adopted kid's birth moms told us from the beginning that we were their parents.

Answer 14

TO: JM1970 - this hits the nail on the head!  That was a great come back.

I get told this "you're such a wonderful person" for taking in these children!  Bull c**p!  I chose to do foster to adopt...I didn't choose who I fell in love with..............

Answer 15

From the mouth of my natural mother, when I told her, years ago, that people said things like this, "Well, they've got it backwards!  It's the adoptive parents who should be GRATEFUL.  They wanted a child and they got one!"

Answer 16

That always made me feel like a charity case too.

Some people are ignorant. I do always make it a point to quickly correct them and tell them that my parents chose me.

Answer 17

This is kind of a weird question. I'm adopted and I REALLY don't care what people say. Hay, be honest with yourself; it's time for maturity. They DID take you in. That would be a TRUE fact, but you are taking that with some negative bent or slant. Why can't you be grown up enough to accept that ALL of us were TAKEN in. We were left and someone came and got us from wherever we were. I was left at a local Florida hosptial and someone came and TOOK me home. My mother recounts a great story of picking me out like grocery from among a sea of babies; it's so cute. I said how did you pick me, 'she said I shopped around and saw you and I just knew'. There is nothing bad in that.

Perhaps you need to step back from this question and QUESTION or EXAMINE your own sense of self and self-worth. You are PUTTING too much into a word. And aren't you wasting precious time worrying about SEMANTICS; word games! Yes, they wanted you, BUT YES, they also took you home, which means taking you in. You are reading negativity into the word and you should DIFFUSE the word; take the sting out by owning it. You should say "Yes, my parents took me; they are loving wonderful people and boy and I'm lucky as h**l". I've had people tell me that I've had a BETTER life than they did w/ their bio-parents!

So, if you've had a good life, who cares if they TOOK you in. You see it as taking in a stray or a dog, but truthfully sweetie, we adoptees are strays. We were abandoned. I'm 36 and I've made my peace with that. I was left alone in the hospital by woman who made a wonderful choice; she showed good judgement that day; poor judgement by having s*x outside of marriage and probably w/ a man who didn't want a kid, BUT great judgement in not aborting me and leaving me in a safe place; she could have killed me or left me in a garbage bag.

So get over this feeling of 'took you in'. OWN IT. A guru said when a thing ceases to disturb you, the thing will fall away of it's own weight. This means that when you are no longer moved or angered by these words, you'll find you don't even notice them and less and less you will encounter them. You attract what you believe - if you BELIEVE that this negative then you will ATTRACT situations that prove you right! So, here's to moving on and accepting reality and then looking at how great you have it AFTER being taken in by people who sought out a child and found love & a  life!

Answer 18

I'm not adopted, but I did give my child up for adoption.  How horrifying to think that people look at adopted children like they do stray pets.  I hope to God no one ever thinks anything like that of my child.  I know I certainly didn't treat my child like that.  In fact, I hand picked his adoptive parents because I wanted the best possible home for him.  I was incapable of caring for him, but I wanted him to be with parents who were.

Answer 19

Interesting...I am one of 5 adopted kids in my family (well we are  all grown now so not kids) and I have never heard  the phrase "took you in" directed at me. However if I did I would totally feel the same as you. Like I was a stray puppy or cat that just kept coming in the yard so they just decided to keep me. Who are these people? You could always respond "Yeah well at least my parents got me on purpose" not nice I know but it makes me smile. Probably best to just ignore the ignorant. Instead of letting it upset you perhaps you could feel sorry for their total lack of empathy and understanding. Be proud!

Answer 20

oh i agree with you 100%.  its rude to say "took you in".  makes you feel like you were a gutter rat or something.  

its okay though because my mom told me from the begininning that she wanted a baby, couldn't have one naturally so she went looking for me!   people can say what they want its all good, we as adopted people know the truth!

Answer 21

last i checked, there was no rash of babies being left on doorsteps in bread baskets. yet, there are TONS of paps shelling out major moola to get a kid.

it's all part of the savior myth...

ETA: re: PC speech. i vehemently disagree that calling someone on rude and insensitive words is "over-analyzing."

there are social codes and rules of engagement that people must adhere by in order to function in our society.  and they don't require an extensive vocabulary.  i get a little annoyed when people make insensitive as$ comments and then back-pedal when called on them.. sure, there are things i might say in selected company, but i darn well know how to "code-switch" when i'm dealing with diverse groups. and i didn't learn that from sitting in a university classroom.

my belief: if one lacks the ability to communicate among diverese people without pissing folks off, then i think they need to do a bit more "work" on improving their social skills, before trying to become a parent.

Answer 22

Even if you were a "poor little waif wandering the streets"  for anyone to say that is still pretty callous.

This goes back to the assumption that adoptees must be greatful.

Answer 23

I heard that a lot, too.  I feel proud to tell you that my parents sought me out as well.

Honestly, I think that most of the anger and hard feelings I've read on YA concerning adoption is because of phrases such as that one.  You take strays in and children aren't strays!

Answer 24

Tell the people who say "took you in" just what you've stated here. They've assumed that you were adopted as a child and if it bothers you so much...educate them.

Answer 25

I agree....adoptive parents don't just take in kids...they have to look for kids...there is a lot at stake when adopting a child to just take them in.

Answer 26

yeah you know because I was a starving child with nobody to care for me or love me and would have died without adoption right? Thank God for them "taking me in" and I'll just be quiet about the rest, you know, i could have been left to die or have been aborted or something. I don't have a right to speak up about my equality, I'm not equal, I'm 2nd best because I needed someone when I was an infant, and you know, no other infants need anything.

ETA: Shellyp I think WE need to stop telling everyone else what THEY'RE doing and how to CHANGE THAT to make YOU feel better.

A review of your past questions and all you've been doing on here lately is just telling people what and how they need to be doing everything. Its soo bossy and its tiring me out. Laurie isn't OVER ANALYZING.

You have no idea what its like to be discriminated against in adoption, you're not an adoptee, these things have been said to me more times than I can count and it diminishes a childs self esteem and takes away from the validation of "speaking their feelings" it teaches children that they don't have a right to speak their feelings, and that their feelings are invalid, and that brings on VERY LOW SELF ESTEEM. i know, it HAPPENED TO ME.

maybe WE need to be analyizing the situation a little bit more. maybe WE need to be addressing this simple things SOCIETY can be doing to change ONE DEGREE of the way adoptees are approached on a regular basis to improve their overall WELL BEING.

You have no right to tell us what and how to do anything. I don't tell you how to adopt, or how to think. I don't tell you what to think about and how to think about it. STOP TRYING TO CONTROL THE ADOPTEES ON THIS FORUM PLEASE.

Answer 27

i do not think i have had that often but i know one thing i would offer to take them in and do the same to them as what was done to me i think

or at lest i would be telling them next time leave me to grow up feral next time as i would have been better off on the streets then being taken in