Adopted son : "Mommy & Daddy?"?

Question

Our son just turned 4 years old and came to us in June from adoption. His birth-mother was 16 and unable to cope with him from birth, but he then spent time with a foster family who were unable to adopt him when he became eligiable, which is when we came in to the picture.

He was removed from his birth mother too young to remember her at all, but then started to call his foster mom "Mommy" when he began talking.

Now he is with us, we wanted him to call us Mommy and Daddy which he is doing just fine, but often he asks for "Mommy" which is his ex foster-mom. We say to him "Mommy Kathy" to differenciate her from us, which he is starting to say, but at what point can we drop the Mommy from her? Is it even OK to do so? Is it even OK for US to be mommy and daddy?

He was with her for almost 2 years being fostered.

I am really confused and worried about doing the wrong thing.

We see Mommy Kathy every few weeks as she likes to know how he is doing.

Answer 1

Considering you still see "Mommy Kathy" it might offend her if you try to get your adopted son to just say "Kathy" or etc.  Perhaps you can try to drop the mommy and come up with a different nickname?  Instead of "Mommy Kathy" he could call her "Auntie Kathy".

As to your other question, I think it would be completely fine for your adopted son to call you "Daddy" and "Mommy".  You are, after all, his parents, even if you are not birth-related.

My answer, of course, concerns what you want to do.  Like Tish said, this concerns your adopted son too.  If he wants to call her "Mommy Kathy" then that should be fine; and if he wants to call you by your first name, that should be fine as well.

Good luck!

Answer 2

I don't have any experience with adoption, and this is just an opinion.  First off, seeing her every few weeks certainly isn't helping him to develop a stronger bond with you than her.

Maybe try to turn it into calling her Aunt?

Answer 3

I would probably let him be around her, since he was living with her..and his first words were with her, is in a sentimental kind of way. I'm sure she wont mind and in a way is a good support system for him to know he has a lot of people surrounding him that loves him. I would defnetly keep lunch time with her at least 1 or 2 times a mnth, as long as is all healthy for the child why not? =)

Answer 4

Yes; it is absolutely okay for your son to call you Mommy & Daddy.  I like the fact that you have kept the "Mommy" name for his foster mom too.  I agree with the others; as he gets older, he will probably drop the "Mommy" part of it anyway but she still is important to him and his life, so Mommy Kathy seems appropriate.  

You are doing a great thing for your child.  Good luck to you.

Answer 5

I would continue letting him call her Mommy Kathy. He's too young to understand why that would change. Later on he can choose whether or not to call her something else.

Many kids have 2 mommies. Particularly in the adoption world and they can love both.

Answer 6

If he is calling you guys mommy and daddy, I wouldn't worry about him calling her Mommy Kathy too much. You do plan on letting him know he's adopted aparently and this will just help reinforce later how much he was loved: so much that his foster mom is still around! I would look at it as a support system rather than a blockage! Good luck and good for you! More people should adopt!

Answer 7

A wonderful blogging adoptive parent - Margie - has a blog called 'Third Mom' -

http://thirdmom.blogspot.com/

She has always maintained that her adoptive children - born in Korea - each have 3 mothers - and she is the third.

They have their first mother, their foster mother and they have her.

That is usually an adoptive child's reality.

Calling his foster mother 'Mommy Kathy' - I think - is fine.

As he gets older - he will probably just call you 'mom' and 'dad' - as older children drop the whole 'y' thing!

As Phil said - don't worry too much - kids works out this stuff much better than adults - just don't make him feel as if he's not allowed to talk about 'Mommy Kathy' - as that would be the worst thing you could do.

If your son lost his mother through death - you would allow him to still talk about her. Adoption is very much the same - he has 'lost' someone that he cares about very much. It doesn't mean that he won't end up loving you with as much - if not more - love - but he is missing a very important person from his life - and that needs acknowledgment - often.

Love him with all your heart - and it will all work out fine.

All the best.

Answer 8

yeah its okay for you guys to be momy and daddy since you are the parents,he's just been with her for a long time so he refers to her as mommy cause that is what he had always called her, its just going to take some getting used to, just keep refering to her as Mommy kathy, he will get used to you guys as mommy and daddy, it just takes time

Answer 9

If he doesn't have a problem or confusion calling you "Mommy" and "Daddy," then that's fine.  But I do think he should be allowed to continue calling his foster mother "Mommy" or "Mommy Kathy" as well.  I wouldn't force him to drop the "Mommy" towards his foster mother at any point.  If he chooses to do so, that's okay.  But let him find his way.  Quite often, children don't have the hang-ups with titles that adults do.  He certainly isn't trying to minimize your importance.  He is simply use to calling her that.  Don't burden him with additional confusion and loyalty questions by obsessing about what he calls her.  (I'm not trying to say you have done this.  But if you constantly worry about it...)  Let him take the lead in this.  I think it will work out better for everyone.

Answer 10

There's no such thing as too much love. Let him call her mommy kathy forever if he wants to..... it's sweet and they had a strong bond.  It won't take away that you're his parents. Kinda like having 2 grandparents and calling both of them g-ma and g-pa even if one live out of state. YOu love them the same. right?

Answer 11

I sure understand your concern.

My kids are adopted - from birth, but my eldest still refers to his birth mother (whom he has never met) as his other mother.  Sometimes it bothers me, sometimes it doesn't.

It is definitely ok for you to now be his mommy and daddy, as that is what you are, from now on.  I think you and your wife were wise to refer to Kathy as Mommy Kathy.  Maybe over time, you can eliminate the mommy part and just refer to her as Kathy.  Maybe she can call herself that in his presence as well, out of respect for you and your wife.

I would bet that over time he will make that transition.

What a caring daddy you are!  This adoption stuff has a set of cares and concerns and heartaches all its own.  And, unless a person has gone through the process, they can't understand.  

Another thought, you can even talk to him about the process he went through, explaining each person's roll, and finishing with yourselves - and that you are delighted to be his mommy and daddy.

Answer 12

poor kid,  too many mommy and daddys he's not even gonna know what that means. yes it's okay for you to be mommy and daddy and don't worry eventually he will get there but as for the mommy kathy thing, i think you should just let him use that until he's old enough to understand.  You don't want him to be too confused with the issue.  one day he will just figure it out for himself and probably ask you about it.  just be honest with him.

good luck and god bless

Answer 13

I think you are doing the right thing for a child his age in his situation.  He needs to adjust and feel safe with you.

You might consider having him call you Mom and let him continue to call Kathy mommy.  It will seem different enough for him and still give you the mom reference.  

Best of luck.

Answer 14

Let him keep the Mommy Kathy until he decides what to do.   He'll figure it all out.  He's had  lots of mommies and daddies but thats okay.  He's blessed to have people who want to care for him.

Answer 15

i know i will be slammed for this but here's my 2 min. reply while i'm waiting for my student to come in...

honestly, i think we get too caught up on titles.  children identify with the parent figures that they are most familiar with, and to force that is unfair.  

quick scenario:

my son is a step-child to my husband.  and the only person he called "dad" was my father (his grandfather).

when my husband and i met and decided to be together, he (my husband) felt it inappropriate for my son to call him "husband's first name" and my father "dad."  he felt that since he was caring for my son as a "dad" he should be called "dad." it caused a great deal of discord.  

currently, my son calls him "husband's first name"; and they have a wonderful relationship. after about 5+ years, my husband realized that the title issue was his, and that it had nothing to do with the love that my son had for him.  

your child has been in a foster home, and  "mommy kathy" was his mommy.  as such, it going to be difficult for him to "reprogram and give that title to someone else."

quite honestly, i think the choice should be his.  he's a little guy who's been through quite an ordeal in his young life. if "mommy kathy" gave him that stablity, then by all means she should remain constant in his life. even if that means she keeps her name.

for me, it's more about the love and affection this child receives. and i think titles at this point are secondary.

besides, 6 months is too soon to expect him to change.  he's only 4 and he's still adjusting.

i hope it all works out.

Answer 16

I would maybe start seeing Mommy Kathy every few months, as he gets older and spends more time with you and your wife he will drop the mommy from Kathy. Just do it slowly, don't rush him. Maybe slowly start calling her Kathy yourselves and drop the Mommy from it. Good Luck, he'll come around. Give him time.

Answer 17

Hi.Time will change this.I am adopted.I was taken from my birth mother the last time when I was 2.There are 4 of us.I had this one foster mom named Shirley who had us for almost 3 years.She got divorced and was moving out of state and she didn't want to see us all split up so her daughter and son in law took us in and after fostering us for 2 years they adopted us.My mom says it didn't take us long at all to start calling them mom and dad.And now today (I'm 25) I only think of them as my parents.And Shirley is Grandma to me.Hope this helps.

Answer 18

Good for you for keeping his foster mom in his life.  Since he was with her for the first two years of his life this is a really important relationship, and it's great that you didn't just close him off from her.  

I think that if it's working with calling her Mommy Kathy, just leave it alone.  Let him take the lead on what he wants to call her.  He may drop the Mommy on his own or maybe not.  Either way, he should be the one to decide, imho.