Adoptee's feelings vs. children born by surrogacy feelings?

Question

We hear a lot from the adoption hate groups/angry adoptees on here (My heart goes out to you) but one thing I have been thinking about lately is surrogacy. I can understand gestational surrogates that use the intended mothers egg and fathers sperm but what about a donated egg? How do you think it would feel to be born from a strangers belly using a strangers egg that was givin up for money with no attachment whatsoever?

How about if you were born from a traditional surrogate who concieved you JUST to give you away. Would that lead to feelings of abandonment?

If you were born from the intended parents seed, would you still feel abandond by your birthmother?

Wow, this is what I think about at 4AM?? LOL

Answer 1

This is a good question and the biggest reason I have reservations about surrogacy, because we don't know what the effects are going to be.  And since human experience and behavior can never be captured on a computer model, the only way to know is to see how those born from surrogate mothers feel.  And something tells me this isn't going to be an overwhelmingly positive experience for them.

I wonder if it would make a difference if the egg and sperm involved came from the parents who would raise the child vs having an egg donor and surrogate, or sperm donor and surrogate?  Does the DNA make someone a biological parent, or the experience of nurturing the unborn child?  

Maybe I'm splitting hairs, but I wondered.  There's more than one scenario for a surrogate to be used.

Answer 2

I don't think the a surrogate child would feel abandoned, They were conceived because they were very wanted by their parents, their parents have to go through alot to have them. I am unable to have children and My husband has an unfortunate criminal background that is ridiculous that he even got charged with a crime. So adoption may not be an option because they don't let just anyone adopt a child even though my husband would be an incredible father. I would love any child I got no matter if it was mine, I don't even know if I will ever get the chance to be a mother because Surrogacy is very expensive. But no matter what a Surrogate child would not feel abandoned, the entire reason they were created was to be loved.

Answer 3

I can't really say how I'd feel because I have never been in their shoes

I think the effect upon people born of egg/sperm donation and surrogacy are largely unknown right now, some of them are courageously beginning to talk about their experiences and feelings about how they came into the world and how their lives have been manipulated by well-meaning people and they appear to have quite a bit in common with 'traditional' adoptees

Thank you so much for considering the feelings of those people, and those of adoptees.   There are blogs about the subject, written by these brave souls.  I'll try to find some links for anyone who gives a toss

Great question

Answer 4

I have to admit I never really thought about surrogacy until I read some article online (dont have the link unfortunately) about a son of a surrogate. He is basically an adoptee, but worse in a way because he was born to be given away. I got the impression he saw his birth as a business transaction. Poor guy.

To be honest, I think whatever egg you are using, you still have some connection with the woman you grow within for 9 months, and people shouldn't deny that. Its like adoptees are supposed to be a clean slate. Clearly we're not and the same goes for surrogate kids.

Trouble is surrogacy and egg and sperm donations are so popular now that in a few years time, we're going to have a whole generation of new adoptees, who were bought and paid for before they were born. Many of them haven't got a hope in h**l of finding their biological families.

When will people learn that messing about nature in this way screws people up and its the kids who have to suffer!

I do feel bad for people who can't give birth naturally and who feel they have to resort to these methods, but, as an adoptee struggling with my own issues, I can't support people deliberately creating new adoptees for their own means.

I understand many people want children of their own DNA, so do I, but I hope that if I had to choose, I'd adopt the kids that are already alive rather than create new adoptees. Kids in foster care etc have just as much chance to be emotionally screwed up as surrogate kids etc, but you might as well help those who are already alive, rather than deliberately creating new ones who you know might suffer the same issues of abandonment etc.

Answer 5

is this for you?? So you cant have kids or carry them? Little confused?

Answer 6

This is a great question, and I have often wondered about it myself.  I suspect 'abandonment' would not be their emotional experience, however, as they were not abandoned.  Perhaps their feelings would gravitate more towards alienation; they may come to regard themselves as separate or different from the family around them.  We can only wait for these young people to grow up before we find out.

Answer 7

wow that's a tough pill to swallow. I have never thought about all of that, and how a child would feel if  they knew they were "bought and paid for". I think the feelings couold go either way. On one hand, you would have this feeling of being the result of a business deal, and on the other hand, you would have to know that someone wanted to bring you into this world so bad that they would pay x*x amount of $ just to have you. It could really mess with a child's emotions I'm sure. Thanks for posting this question- food for thought.