Adoptee's i wanna know your point of view?

Question

I'm a birthmom and i will never know what it is like to be adopted. Some people on here really believe that first parents should be there parents not adopted ones in fact some have stated on here i wish i was aborted. Was your childhood that bad or does your life really mean that little to you that you would even want that cause i believe your first mother wouldnt or she would have done that very act. What if she just wanted a start for you maybe she thought it was the best thing at the time. I was never tricked into anything i knew the risks by choosing this path it was the hardest choice i ever had made and i didnt do it lightly. I did think about parenting her but it felt wrong to me in my heart. So i wanna know what adoption means to an adoptee is it truly that heartbreaking and sad to the point where you would rather your first mother end your life instead of protecting it?

Answer 1

When someone is adopted it all depends on the kind of people that you get adopted by. My mother gave me up when I was first born and I love my adopted mother with all my heart. She and my step-dad are really nice to me. So I'm glad my Mom gave me up, although I wonder wat life with my birthmother would've been like.

Answer 2

I completely agree with Julie J.  She hit it right on point.  I'm glad to see that as a birthmother you are trying to understand the feelings of your adopted child.  Speaking for myself, being adopted has not been easy.  I sometimes do with I had been aborted especially on birthdays.  If I had been, I just look at it as that I would have been in Heaven.  I wouldn't have to deal with all the emotions from my childhood and even some I'm having now.  Good luck with everything!

Answer 3

I agree with Julie, it isn't about what our childhoods were like. It is about how adoption has screwed with our heads and yes some days I too wish I had ended up in a medical waste bucket. I didn't so I have to deal with the pain and trauma of adoption. No first mother goes into adoption thinking they are doing the wrong thing, as a first mom as well as an adoptee I know that firsthand. The fact is that even though we have good intentions those intentions sometimes end up causing other people pain, such as our relinquished children.

I have no illusions about my son's adoption. I have been the cause of heartache for him and some day I will have to accept that and hopefully help him move past it. You can spend 24 hours a day wondering why an adoptee feels the way they do but you can not change it. The best thing you can do is educate yourself about adoptee issues and make yourself aware of things that have helped other adoptees heal. Be open to reunion and if it should happen try to help your own adoptee work through their emotions. Part of this should be working through your own thoughts and feelings about relinquishing. We may not have been able to mother our lost children during their childhoods but we OWE it to them to be there when and if they do come calling.

Answer 4

Yes it tends to be heartbreaking, age at which to be told is important i think . I was told at 6 and didnt really understand. I knew if I got in trouble I would say to my parents that they dont love me because I was adopted. Still at this age it is all about yourself and feelings, so if I wasnt adopted I would have had another reason, maybe you love my sister but not me. I think this would be hard for an adoptive mother to hear more so than the 6 year old. Was only in the back of mind when older until my adoptive mother was dying and asked me to take up offer to meet my natural mother, which I did. Timing was bad because my adoptive mum died and I carried a lot of guilt from this relating to natural mother and also from adoptive family, that they would not be comfortable or happy for me to be involved with my natural mum and family. My adoptive family was worried they would lose me, sounds crazy to me but not to them, maybe because I kept telling them they didnt love me because I was adopted when i was a kid. Communication listening and asking about why things happened is important when young and growing up and how all parties feel made a big difference in the end, no pressure. This has to be from all sides skeletons out of the closet, people knowing the answers not perceiving the way they thought it was, see things as they are, not what they see!! i have had a pretty traumatic life and I am finally at peace with my self, I understand myself, listened to myself, releasing myself from things that didnt make me happy. If I didnt have both parents I wouldnt be who I am today and I am finally happy with who I am, knowing all about the adoption from all sides, finally listening to my mind and heart, i.e. right job, relationship issues sorted out , beautiful children (know one, teach one), doing what is right for them and myself everything just falls into place. Love is important , not perceived love but real effortless love , if you dont have that the hope for it is just as powerful.

To love is to risk not being loved in return. To hope is to risk pain. To try is to risk failure, but risk must be taken because the greatest hazard in life is to risk nothing.

Answer 5

My childhood was fine.  I love my adoptive parents.  

But yet I wish I wasn't adopted.  Not knowing where I came from.  Not knowing why I was given up.  Not knowing who my people were.  Not having people around me that looked like me or shared my interests or personality...  All of that contributes to my wishing I wasn't adopted.

As adults, we can sit around and talk intellectually about "good reasons" for adoption, but children don't understand those "adult" reasons.  Children want their parents.  

Adoption comes from loss.  If at all possible, no child should have to suffer the loss of his or her parents that early in life.

Answer 6

im adopted and i REALLY hate it! im 13 nd was addopted by my aunty when i was 3 months because my parents wouldnt look after me and they were deef , you would think that would b cool ive grown up with family lookin after me bt the when i was 5 she nd my uncle which i call him dad nd her mum divorced nd i gt shoved on 2 him which sucked ,i would rather be dead then alive ive nw got abandonment issues because my birth parents didnt want me my aunty didnt want me nd my uncle{dad} doesnt want me a couple of weeks ago he said that no one wants me abd im this horrible curse that was shoved onto him all because my paents adopted me out now im alone i c NONE of my REAL family nd my real parents have 10 other children nd they are all ADOPTED! I think its stupid to not even care about yr children nd to shove them onto someone else! i think it would be somewhat easier if my family had stuck by me nd if i wasnt taken away but i guess thats life.also ive knowen for soo long ever since i was little that i would alway be different nd it proves it because ppl act different 2 u if they no yr adopted no one accepts ppl for who they are mostly at school. Lifes hard bt i have to move on because moaning about being adopted has ruiended my childhood nd im nt letting it ruien my liufe. but being adopted has compleatly STUFFED my life up! i wish ever night that i would wake up NORMAL nd i DEADLY WISH I was NEVER told i was adopted cause i could of thought i was normal but NO THAE STUPID TRUTH CAME OUT! :P

Answer 7

There are no guarantees in life, first and foremost.  Once the child is adopted out their life becomes altered by this and they must live in that way.  By this I mean, whatever situations the new life gives, the adoptee must adapt and make it their own.  Sometimes it's a bed of roses and sometimes it can be a thorny rose.  I would choose life of course, because ultimately I am the master of my destiny and responsible to live life up to my fullest capacity.  Let those chips fall where they may and let history takes it's course with regard to adoption.  There's no guarantee with either life plan.

Answer 8

It's hard.  My birthmom was 13.  So, she gave me up.  My mom gave me a great life my giving me to 2 wonderful people that loved me and gave me what i needed when i needed it.  My birthmom did the same, she knew what needed to be done, so she did it.  My life wasn't all peachy, but you know- nobodies is.  It's hard to think about, like, what life would have been like, but it is what it is.  I thank my birthmom for giving me a mom that could love me and be a mom.  Could provide what I needed.  Could drive me to the doctor, could take me to get diapers, etc.  She did what is right.  I definetly thank her for protecting my life, because I now have my own son!  He's 13 mos. old, I was 18 when I got pregnant, never once thought about adoption, though. I knew he was mine and he was my whole heart.  If I gave him up, I might has well have died!! Nobody can live without their heart! Not all mommies feel that way, though!!

Answer 9

My grandparnts adopted me and I am very grateful. My birthmom (who I know and respect) did the best thing she could for me. I had a great life and I got to know her. I don't know who my father is but whatever. I had a great childhood and I have a great life now. I think parents who give their children up for adoption, most of them are thinking of the child and not themselves. I don't understand why somoene would say that they would rather be dead than be adopted unless they haven't come to term with it and are feeling thrown away. Most of the time the mom is thinking what is best for her child. I'm sure its not easy to give a child away. Sometimes though its the only thing to do.

Answer 10

My brother and I were given up for adoption when we were about 18months and 31/2 years old.  The hardest thing to deal with for me was Why? (she kept our two other siblings) What did I do?  If my own mother didn't think i was worthy of her love then i must be something really bad.  It took me 20 plus years to come terms with the fact of why>  Does this make any since.  If you choose to place your child up for adoption make sure there is counseling for the child(as part of the adoption agreement) or (send a letter reassuring the child that you do love him/her but there are circumstances in your life that causes you to come to this decision.)  Please don't get an abortion because nothing is worse then not even getting the chance to be born. Everyone handles being adopted in there own way.  My brother had no problems at all

Answer 11

Hi Dark Fire Angel,

You may legitimately be asking adoptee's feelings about being given up for adoption.  The underlying message still sounds like "at least you were not aborted, be grateful."  That message gets very old to adoptees.  We do not have to express any extra gratefulness for being alive than anyone else who is.  Most adoptees don't see adoption as "protection."  I can see how that would be hard for some natural moms to accept.  I believe they are also victimized by the adoption industry.  The realization of that must be difficult.

It has been stated many times on here that it is NOT about what kind of childhood you had or how wonderful your adoptive parents are that determine how adoptees feel about adoption.  Mostly it's the miscarriage of ethics still going on in the adoption world that shape how adoptees feel about adoption.  It's also the being treated as 2nd class citizens with fewer legal rights than everyone else that doesn't sit well with most adoptees.  Then there are also the losses, the lies, the secrecy, the myths & the misconceptions still surrounding adoption.  Adoptees have many reasons to have problems with the institution of adoption itself, and those reasons have nothing to do with how much they love their adoptive parents, or how "bad" their childhood was.

Of course NOT being given up would be preferable to being given up.  All babies would rather stay with their natural moms unless they are in physical danger.  Natural moms should not fool themselves into thinking that many adoptees are going to feel grateful to them for being abandoned by someone who chose to bring them into the world only to walk away from them.  Sugarcoat it all you want, it still doesn't feel good.  Adoptees want their feelings to be acknowledged rather than dismissed or trivialized.  To ask if we would rather not be here is a moot point.  If we were not here, we would not even know it.  As long as we are here, I don't think it's asking too much to have equality, complete honesty & ethical treatment for all adoptees.  In general, it's not us that thinks our "lives mean that little" - it appears to be society.  I think an important question would be what can everybody together do to improve things?  Thanks for asking.

julie j

reunited adoptee

Answer 12

THANKS for understanding those of us who are adopted. I am not only adopted I have 2 adopted children.  I never have met my birth mom , but I can tell you that she loved me so much that she chose life for me.  For my 2 children, we met their birth moms- they said "I am not being forced to place my child, we know it is best for our children"- both had family and friends that were pressuring them to abort- and they chose life-  I will never be tired of being reminded of this fact.  God bless you for being a birth mom that shared this.  my adoptive life was not perfect, however no life is - biological families have their issues- I would still have said, " I am thankful for life"

Answer 13

its not that life is that little or that bad. It's how you are valued by your adoptive parents. I cant speak for everyone, only myself. This is from my experience. When you are a baby and your mother is taken from you it's like they are dead, they have gone, disapeared, been abducted. There is a gap and hole in you that can't be filled no matter WHAT your adoptive parents give you.

I had some emotional problems relating to adoption. I even have a vivid memory of being fostered out at 5 months old. I was screaming and crying and reaching out to the foster carer. My adoptive parents didn't know anything, I had to educate them.

What people mean about prefering to be aborted is that a mother who would rather adopt should abort, because it is essentially the same thing. aborting is killing the baby, adopting is killing the mother (even tho she might still live, it is essentially killing or taking away at the time). The baby who is aborted doesnt live to remember this. an adopted child however, is traumatised and will remember this for their entire lives.

Adoption hasnt ruined my life, i have a good life, not perfect but reasonable, I've done things to be proud of etc. ADoption should really be the very very very last resort and should never ever be a choice because it is inconvenient to have a child. That child's happyness is more important than that.

I was adopted into an abusive home. My birth mum actually wanted me but was forced to adopt me because she was "mentally ill". I was taken into a home where I was bashed, essentially. I was obviously removed and placed in a foster home and then "picked" by my current adoptive parents.

A child with their birth parents might be deprived of wealth but a child who is adopted is deprived of love and that essential bond. I guess it depends what you think is more important. Love or wealth.

Answer 14

Abortion was still illegal the year I was born.  My first mother has told me that had it been legal, she would have aborted me.  There were illegal "back alley" abortions, or sometimes women went to Mexico to get one, but she says she was too scared of that because women sometimes died.

Yes, my life has been sad and painful.  I've lived a lifetime of depression starting as a young child.  There is no biological history on either side to explain this as an inherited problem.  I grew up in a family where I didn't belong, I was cared for well, but I didn't fit in there.  I hate being adopted and yes, never being born, would have been a blessing.

Answer 15

I agree with what some others have written here - especially Julie and Phil.

It has nothing to do with having a good or bad adoptive family.

It just would have been better to either live in the family I was born to - or born to the family I was adopted to.

It's a whole heap of head mess for adoptees to think they just weren't good enough - or right - or timed well enough - to stay with the mother they bonded for 9 months to - and were born to.

To not have genetic mirroring - to not know the whys - to not have people around you that share the same looks, traits, talents - is a hard life to live.

For those that haven't had to live it - it's extremely hard to understand.

As an adult - I understand your reasons behind relinquishment - I understand my own mother's reasons behind relinquishment.

As a child - and even now to the child within me - it hurts - it still hurts - and I think it will always be a head-mess to me.

Basically - no amount of 'good reasons' well ever make up for what I've had to live.

I'm forever in between two families now - and to each - I never completely fit in.

If a child's parents die - they are usually taken in by other bio family members - and they are allowed to know of - and talk about - their parents.

They are allowed to openly grieve the loss of those parents. They are allowed to know their family history - they see those that look like them - know of the family traits and personalities and talents - they just get to KNOW.

They are not usually made to have name changes - changed birth certificates - or made to pretend that those parents never existed.

Those children that lose parents to tragic circumstances - are allowed to love EVERYONE - no questions asked - they are just allowed to be.

Adoptees - just have to adapt - with no allowances for any of the above.

Adults made the decisions - and the adoptee just has to live as best they can.

Here are links to many other adoptees blogging on the internet -

http://www.adultadoptees.org/forum/index...