Adoptees, APs, FPs and birthdays?

Question

My daughter is 3 and has celebrated 2 birthdays with us; my new son will have his first birthday with us early next year. Perhaps because they are so young, they love their birthdays. My daughter wanted to pick the decorations and the cake and of course write out her birthday wish list. And our son's foster mom said they have thrown 2 mini birthday parties for him and he seemed to have a blast.

Obviously these are wonderful memories, but it's never far from my mind, that their birthdays might not always be fun and fabulous days: not for my children or their first parents.

Adoptes:

Did you always (or never) enjoy your birthday?

Do you remember when your feelings changed about your birthday?

Was there anything your parents could have done to make the day better (talk about your fparents; not make the day a big deal; make the day a very big deal, etc.)

FPs:

If you were in an open adoption were you invited to your child's birthday?

If you can't see your child, do you do anything special on that day?

APs:

How do your children feel about their birthdays?

Do you do anything to incorporate their first family into the celebration (if that's possible)?

Answer 1

For me it's not so much about my birthday (the actual day that is) but about the week before where I traditionally became increasingly angry/withdrawn/melancholy, and I believe this began in my teenage years (though I can't remember exactly back to elem. years, I seemed to enjoy birthdays then...at least the presents part, haha). During my teenage years (I think because I could think more about the concept and experience of adoption) I would write a lot in my journal about adoption and the confusion. The buildup to the actual day was torture for me, but once it got there I had pretty much worked out (alone) my angstyness and was able to enjoy the day. I WISH that someone would have asked me about it...but not taken "no, it's nothing" as an answer. I was asked a few times if I was okay and I always said I was, but really if someone had probed deeper it would have gotten me talking...

So I would say that if your children act different during the events leading up to their birthday then talk with them about it, because it sucks keeping all the emotions inside...

Answer 2

I don't remember when it changed.  I don't think I never enjoyed it.  (Although, I don't remember the early ones very well.)  But at some point, probably around the age of twelve (give or take a few years), I began to realize the implications of my birthday, and I stopped liking it.  

Talking about it would have helped me, I think.  (Your mileage may vary.)  I just didn't want it to be a big deal.  But if I had been able to talk about it, I might have felt differently.

It's hard to know what to do.  Each child is likely to have a different reaction.  I haven't liked my birthday for many years.  But I know not every adoptee feels the same about it.  But I think you can never really go wrong in talking about it with them, and trying to suss out how they really are feeling.

Answer 3

Oh please please please listen carefully.

Do not burden your children with the expectation that they will have some sort of emotional drama on their birthdays.

I love my birthday. I never had an instant of unhappiness. Why would I?

My son loves his birthday. We're his family. We have nice parties.  

Answer 4

My children are 7 and 4. The 4 year old loves her birthday. The 7 year old does, too, but last year I noticed a subtle difference. As before, he was all excited about picking out his party decorations, having everyone over for cake, etc. He seemed to have a great time at his party. But later that night, he seemed awfully quiet and thoughtful.

Although he told me nothing was wrong, I later said, "Do you know who I've been thinking about a lot today? Your family in Russia." (And it was true.) He confided that he'd been thinking of them too... We had a talk and a cuddle and he seemed to feel better after that and he went off to play with some of his birthday gifts. (We do talk about his Russian family thoughout the year, so it wasn't totally out of the blue, but I don't think he would have brought it up on his own that day... Although he does on other days.)

So... I think things are changing a bit for my son... But, as his birthday approaches (He'll be 8 in three weeks! Oy!) he's once again excited about his party and what treat he wants to take to school, etc. It will be interesting to see how "after the party" is this year.  

Answer 5

I always loved my birthday when I was a kid. Even into adulthood. I was in my late 30's when I started to not like them. It wasn't because of  adoption that I quit liking them. My mom had passed away, my dad was gone, my best friend her daughter and grandchild were killed in a wreck, and I had gotten a divorce. My husband always tries to do something special for me on my birthday and I do appreciate it and like it.. But it just isn't the same without my mom and my best friend being able to celebrate with me, and not being able to celebrate theirs with them.

Answer 6

Oh my children love their birthdays!  I am now supposed to introduce my youngest as "seven and a half!"  

In Liberia, they did not celebrate their birthdays at all.  It's not uncommon.  There were a few other things more important to worry about.  

So, celebrating birthdays is a "new" thing for them.  We had to teach them what birthday cakes were, candles, presents, the "Happy Birthday" song, and all the other traditions.   I don't think that birthdays have the same connotation for them that it might for adoptees reliniquished at birth, at least not now.  That might change as they get older.  

I do make a point to bring up "Liberia Mom" on the childen's birthdays.  But to be perfectly honest, they are much more interested in cake and presents than in me trying to initiate a conversation about adoption.  I'll keep trying, though.  Not insistent, not forcing the conversation, just opening the door.

Answer 7

Both of our adoptions are open, with the level of openness being whatever everyone is comfortable with (in our case, the first parents' comfort level has dictated this).  My son's (4 1/2) first family are always invited to his birthday parties.  We often have family parties, that include ALL of his family, birth and adoptive.  My daughter's (3) first family does not live close by, and her first mother (my step-niece) was recently killed in a car accident (we all went to the funeral), but they are also always welcome.  A sweet thing is that my son's first parents and grandmother have "adopted" my daughter and are very loving and attentive to her needs.  I treasure their caring.  We've (all of us) created a beautiful quilt of a family that works for us.

Answer 8

I had a really long (well, really 'longer') post to this all typed out and then I pressed a key too fast or in the wrong combo and *poof* it was gone.

Now that I've done this once before...that will probably end up better for you (all who might read)...  :-)

Like Phil, I think it would have been nice to be able to talk about it.  For me, personally, the difficulty of dealing with my birthday started at age 10.  It was during that year (prior to turning 10) that the implications of my birthday became crystal clear.  My 10th birthday was extremely painful for me due to something completely unrelated to my adoption (or being adopted at all) but since it was the next birthday after my 'enlightenment', it was especially difficult.

I would have LOVED it if my parents had "opened the door" as Jennifer L mentioned.  As a child before age 10, I would have been more interested in cake and presents, too, but as I got older it would have meant a lot to me if my parents had consistently tried...and I would have remembered...because I remember all of my birthdays from age 4 on.

For my parents, the 'sadness' of their children -- at any time, for any reason -- was inconvenvient (and inconceivable) to them.  We "had it so much better" than they did that it made no sense that we were not falling all over ourselves in gratitude.  This was true of my born-to-them sister, too, but especially true of we 3 who had been "saved" because they adopted us.

To think about what my parents could have done to make the day better...it's kind of hard to picture, but here goes.  For me, the birthday itself was not as bad as the days/weeks leading up to the birthday.  It actually would have made my birthdays a lot better for THEM (because I would have felt better and could have enjoyed the 'celebration' the way they wanted me to) if they had talked to me about my feelings, or whatever, BEFORE my birthday.  I always started to get depressed about 2-3 weeks before my birthday (after age 10) and it ususally lifted within a day or two after.  If I'd had some relief prior to my actual birthday, I would not have felt a need to *act* so much on my birthday -- to pretend that I was happy.  That would have, in turn, made the day better for me.  I hated it when I felt I was 'disappointing' to them.  Not because I felt guilty but because I felt 'broken' -- like I wasn't good enough to be pleasing.  Like I would never please anyone.  Like I wasn't capable of pleasing anyone.  That made me feel like garbage.  I wrote a poem about the fakeness of my birthday 'celebration' sometime in my 20s, I think.  I don't remember it or exactly which b-day it was...but I think the date is on it.  I definitely remember how I felt when I wrote it.  I'm pretty sure I wrote it 18 days before my b-day (in whatever year) and the most distilled version of my mood in the poem is "*deep breath* Here we go again..."

I have a feeling that you already have the "talking to them" angle covered so I'm not sure this will be very helpful.  Maybe there's something you can get out of this that I can't 'see' while I'm writing it.  I don't know.  To speak directly on the points that you ask about -- whether or not the day was a big deal would make (did make) no difference to me.  I didn't necessarily want to talk about my natural mother/family but sometimes I did.  It would have been nice if my parents had acknowledged that I seemed [fill in emotion...for me sad, usually] and that they were available to talk to about anything...not anything as in *everything* but anything as in *something*.

The WORST thing my parents did (just in case this can be of any value) was to throw me a surprise party.  In addition to that, they invited more of the people THEY liked than the people I liked.  We did like some people in common, but the parties (yes, they did this THREE years IN A ROW -- and I HATED it) were always 'their-friends' heavy by comparison.  I actually have wondered why they did this.  I have decided (although I can't be sure, of course) that they did it because they felt obligated to do *something* and they could tell I was not happy about it and they figured either a) I had to 'be' happy if there were other people (read: witnesses) there; or b) Having a bunch of people over would take my mind off whatever was bothering me.  On the third -- and final -- year of the surprise-party-era I intentionally stayed away from home (as I still lived with them) for nearly 3 hours after work.  Most of the people they had invited had left by the time I got home.  I did this just in case they had "done it again", which they had.  Incidentally, I spent that time looking for an apartment.  I moved out 12 days later.  I wasn't mad...it was just time.  There were no more surprise parties after that.

ETA:  When I say "The WORST thing my parents ever did..." I'm only talking about with regard to my birthday.  The actual worst thing(s) they did...they didn't do to me.  But it's still hard to think of my own parents as capable of some of the things I saw/heard them do/say with my own eyes/ears.  Just trying to clarify...fwiw.

Answer 9

Every holiday is hard for my 5 year old son.

He does his best to share his pain by sabotaging any festivities with violence or destruction. It is quite sad. We openly talk about how he is feeling, but he has yet to stop physically acting out his pain.

My heart is very sad for him.

We do things to recognize his mom and this seems to help for a little while, but eventually he needs to act out.

I love him and I hate RADS.

Answer 10

Kazi, that is a great question and I look forward to hearing from some of our resident adoptees on this.  My daughter will be three soon so I wonder the same things you do.  We do have contact with her half sister who was adopted by a different family and they come to each others parties and special events.  

Answer 11

My son just celebrated his 14th birthday last week. So far, he just seems really happy that it is his birthday. Hopefully that will not change. This year he was able to celebrate with his bio-cousin. He was very excited to have her spend the week with us.  

I on the other hand had a very hard time with this birthday. All I kept thinking about was his other Mom and how she must be feeling. I think I spent most of the day on the verge of tears.  

Answer 12

My children are from Ethiopia. They don't celebrate birthdays there. Most of my children were school age so they found out from their friends about it and loved the idea.  They think of it as an "American" thing like Halloween and Thanksgiving. Right now my children don't associate their birthdays with either their relinquishment or their adoption.

My children were older when they were relinquished by their father. It was right around the Ethiopian New Year's day and so the older ones didn't want to join in celebrating that day with the Ethiopian community here.  I think that will be their blue time of year.